Corrie Canuck

David Platt Suicide Watch

Gail has called in a day off at work to take care of her ill son. After almost losing him (or so she thinks) yesterday, she is going to stay home with him and try to be there for him. And, as David points out, make sure he doesn’t do anything silly.

Meanwhile at Lake Windermere (which I’ve seen and is lovely), Sarah and Jason wake up in their lavish, but unconsummated, wedding bed. Jason still doesn’t feel right about how things went yesterday but Sarah insists it was all an act and reminds Jason of the way he smiled at her when she asked if that suicide attempt was genuine.

“I know that smile,” she says. “Better than anyone.”

Meanwhile, Audrey is being frosty toward Maria about her knowledge of the suicide note and has no sympathy for her granddaughter.

Later, Sarah has room service sent up but Jason is too bent out of shape to think about fried bread. It’s clear they won’t enjoy their honeymoon so they go home.

When they get back, they meet Todd, to whom they explain why they’ve returned: to help Gail and be there for David. Todd heads back to London tomorrow.

At the Platts, everyone is being nice to David, except, of course, Sarah. She takes him aside and reminds him that he does not fool her. She also tells him that he didn’t make good on his promise to stop the wedding and now, she and Jason are married.

“Yes,” he replies. “But how long will it last?” How long, indeed?

Nifty Nifty, Looks Who’s Fifty!

It’s the morning of Liz’s 50th birthday and Steve is scrambling to arrange some kind of party. He also gave her her favourite bottle of perfume.

“We figured you like that one the best as you go through so much—er, you’re always wearing it,” he tells her.

Having arranged nothing, he heads over to Dev’s to ask what he has for hors d’oeuvres. Dev offers tater tots, pizza, and l’oeuf d’Ecosse. Then Paul Clayton comes in, overhears, and offers Sarah and Jason’s unused wedding buffet from last night for £125. Deal!

So, Liz comes into the Rovers for a hastily arranged surprise attending by about 10 people, including Deirdre and some guy — ZOMG! That’s Ken!!! Liz is little disapointed that her party wasn’t much but just then, Vernon gives her a birthday – with two tickets to Paris! And the bags are packed and the meter in Lloyd’s cab is running. So off they go.

Aw.

Sophie is 13

The Websters’ other daughter, NotRosie, is turning 13 tomorrow and plans have been made to go bowling. Sally suggests they all go see the John Stape-approved play An Inspector Calls by J.B. Priestley, which is playing this year at the Shaw Festival.

Sophie and Kevin don’t seem interested. Oh, no? You don’t think late 19th and early 20th century British playwrights are hip? Not very now? Not hot? You’d rather watch something on the YouTubes?

Well, check this out:

How’d you like that, Sophie? Betcha think George Bernard Shaw’s pretty dope now, eh? Pretty phat, eh? Fo shizzle.

Anyway, they all end up at Liz’s birthday in the Rovers with Fizz and John and Rosie randomly comes in wearing a tea towel. Everyone’s aghast (except for Stape). The end.

And Carla came back. Doesn’t like Ozzy the puppy much.

(original broadcast: November 1, 2007)

The show opens with Gayle, Audrey and Bill at the dock where Gayle acknowledges that she secretly knew he would drive the car into the same spot that Richard Bloody Hillman tried to kill them.

The police tell Gayle that they haven’t been able to find a body and that the best thing for her is to go home and they’ll call her when the find something. Audrey and Bill drive a sobbing Gayle to the homestead.

Tell me, is there anything less likely to induce sympathy than when Gayle gets all chipmunk-cheeked and soppy? It’s between the E.T. chin and the ‘I’m really, really, really sad’ eyes that makes me want to never watch Corrie again.

Head hanging down in a slumped manner doesn’t help matters much.

Bill checks the messages on the phone and we hear David’s last message to his family. I don’t know, it didn’t really sound that suicidal to me for some reason. He sounded more pissed off than distraught. Not that I’m a big expert on the matter, but do people commit suicide for vengeance?

Either way, Gayle starts another round of Platt sobbing. At that point I had get up, turn off the telly, go upstairs to my bedroom closet, open up the secret attic hatch, reach up and grab the box which contains a 1983 bottle of absinthe. I retired to my bedroom to consume ¾ of the bottle while at the same time singing Nina Simone’s ‘Little Girl Blue’ repeatedly for 1.5 hours. After which I went to the store to buy a bag of salt and vinegar chips, a pack of wine gums, Fanta and Benson and Hedges Ultra Light slims. When all was consumed during a Bette Davis marathon that I had recorded on my PVR, THEN I felt that I could continue on in a world that has the vision of Gayle Platt’s wavering chin and tear filled eyes brought to the sanctuary of my living room.

Meanwhile, back at the church, Sarah leads the procession down the aisle as the brand new Mrs. Jason Grimshaw. By the warm and loving glow on her face, we can see that this is indeed the happiest day of her life.

Outside the church, Maria tells Sarah that she blabbed about the suicide note, which pisses Sarah off. She’s even further pissed off during the picture taking as Jason argues with her about whether on not she should be with her mom and family.

Bethany, meanwhile, plays ‘Escaped Lunatic Child’ with Uncle Todd. 

That child really needs more attention.

They sally forth to the reception hall where I think the one word on everyone’s mind right now is, ‘Uncooooomfortable.’. Jason tries to make a speech, but because, unlike Sarah, he is a mensch, he realizes that this is no time for happy speech making. He tells the group that right now the only thing that matters is David and that they’re all hoping for happy news.

Sarah, hearing her husband confirm that the main attraction of her ‘big day’ is David looks fit to be tied. It gets worse when Jason gives her a bit of shit for not mentioning the note. Then, after receiving a call from Bill about the phone message, he decides it’s best if they wrap up the festivities and go home.

Back at Chez Platt, Sarah comes in screaming, ‘What?! What?! Like this is my fault?’. The family says they don’t blame her but kind of wish she’d have a bit more concern for her brother.

At that point the doorbell rings and outside the door a hobgoblin is asking for some sweets. (Wait, they got married on Halloween? LMAO! Halloween + Marriage + David as a Brother? Sarah really is a moron and I’m slightly disappointed in David for not seeing the possibilities.) Anyway, Sarah, convinced this is David, charges at the costumed youth and as she knocks him down, she discovers a slightly cheesed off boy who wound up with more trick than treat.

At this point Gayle gives Sarah a bit of shit for being so self-centred and as Sarah goes off the handle, there’s a knock at the door. A wet and bedraggled David is on the doorstep and everyone (save Sarah, of course) is happy that he is alive.

When Sarah starts screaming about how he’s alive just like she said he would be and that he got exactly what he wanted, to ruin her day – the family kind of looks at her in disgust. Gayle, rightfully so, tells her that at this moment she’s just thankful her son is alive so Sarah needs to get over it.

Audrey wonders if perhaps they should take David to the hospital. Really? Really, Audrey? Why would a kid who within one week tried to kill his brother-in-law, leaves both a suicide note and a suicide message and follows it all up by driving his car into a canal – why would he need any medical attention? What the hell is this family’s aversion to therapy?

Sarah decides that since the wayward son is fine that there’s no reason that they shouldn’t go on their honeymoon. Jason thinks they should perhaps wait until they know David is a-okay. Sarah tells Jason to grow a pair and you can see that he’s already wondering just whom the hell he married.

Before they go off, she goes back into the house to collect her cell phone. David is in the kitchen and she asks him if he really tried to kill himself or was this all an act to ruin her day. He doesn’t really have to much of a chance to say anything before she says, ‘I thought so.’.

Just in case the viewer was unsure about his real answer, as the happy couple pulls away, we see David peeking out of the upstairs bedroom….yes….grinning.

I love this character.

Out of the Where The Hell Did That Come From Department?
As the wedding reception starts, Leanne worries about the fact that not everyone has felt comfortable enough to drink and eat while Gayle’s son might be at the bottom of the canal. Paul assures her that it doesn’t matter because they are still charging for all the plates no matter who shows. (As is common practice.).

After everyone goes home, Leanne is pissed because of the sour note of the reception and that no one will go away thinking of their place as a good venue for receptions.

Paul, out of the clear blue sky, plants a kiss on her. Not just any kiss kids, one of the least passionate kisses I’ve ever seen on film or television. Serious, this was as close to a ‘peck’ as you can get…apparently that’s what passes for ‘moooves’ with our Paul.

I’m saying for the record that Paul stinks. He’s like ‘Terry Duckworth Lite’, 50% less evil with none of the sexy bad-boy charm. Oh sure he slept with his boss’s wife, sure he has stolen his grandfather’s identity…but has he ever SOLD his baby?

Come back when you’ve got some serious evil going on, kid.

Dev Watch

The bells! The bells!

From Rusty at the CEEB:

On Sunday, August 3:

“This is the last Sunday Coronation Street telecast before the
Olympics.  Corrie will continue to air the week of August 4 at 7:00 pm,
but these episodes will not be repeated on Sunday.  Viewers who miss the
prime time episodes can catch them ‘on-line’ at cbc.ca/coronation.
Corrie returns on Sunday, August 31.” [Meaning the Sunday omnibus comes
back that date. Regular scheduling will resume August 25th.]
On the Wednesday, August 6th:

“Due to coverage of the Opening Ceremonies of the Beijing Olympics,
Coronation Street will not be seen on Friday, August 8.  Two episodes
will air tomorrow, Thursday, beginning at the regular time.”
And finally, on Thursday, August 7th:

“Due to live coverage of the 2008 Olympic Games from Beijing,
Coronation Street will not be seen the weeks of August 11 and August 17.
 Corrie returns on Monday, August 25 at its regular time.”

On Friday’s episode, Sean asks Marcus if he looks like Wurzel Gummidge in his suit. 

For the uninitiated, Wurzel Gummidge was a children’s book and then television show about a scarecrow starring Jon Pertwee (of Dr. Who fame).  I absolutely adored these shows, but here you can see yourself.

UK Time – Wednesday October 31st, 2007

Yes folks, it was the episode we have all been waiting for. It’s Sarah-Lou Platt and Jason Grimshaw’s wedding day and the pictures will be perfect except for the fact that the groom is in crutches. I think we all knew that Sarah and Jason were not going to get the perfect wedding. David was determined to ruin their day and it looks like he got what he wanted.

The show opened with David in the car listening to the soundtrack of all disaffected teens the world over. I couldn’t get the lyrics quickly enough.

Gail is blinking on the staircase on the phone with the police reporting David missing. She is really worried about him as any mother would be. I don’t mean to be hateful, but I’m not in love with her acting right now. It’s a bit like she is suffering from the Emily Bishop disease.

Meanwhile, at the house of Grimshaw there are about a million people getting ready. We’ve got chubby Todd, Sean and Marcus, Eileen, Jason and Violet. Sean and Marcus look great together. They look extremely handsome in their suits, and very much like the perfect couple. Violet looks great in that gold dress. The boys are all getting set to pop into the rovers for a drink before the ceremony.

In the salon, Maria is doing Sarah’s hair and is questioning her about David. Sarah refuses to let David spoil her day. She doesn’t believe that David really intends to kill himself. He’s just after attention. When Sarah gets home she finds the police at the house and is irritated as she assumes they are there because of David.

As all this is going on David is standing on the roof of Underworld watching everyone. He’s kind of like an evil, northern English, batman without the super powers.

Back at the Platt house, Sarah comes down the stairs in her wedding dress looking fantastic, with the exception of her hooker’s eyes. I don’t eve know how someone could get that much eye make-up on. Even Bethany looked cute, yet still super creepy. Every time that child opens her mouth I expect her to tell me what my mother is doing in hell.

On the street, the old people who weren’t invited to the wedding line the cobbles to see Sarah come out and head for the church. It’s actually a nice scene with Rita, Emily, Doreen and even Norris genuinely wishing Sarah luck on the big day.

As Sarah is getting what she really wants – perfect pictures – David leaves a voice mail on his mother’s phone, “bla bla bla, did you think I was joking in my note, bla bla bla, I will be put of your hair forever, bla bla bla I wish I could be there to see the looks on your faces”

He happens to be parked in front of the canal, where Richard Hillman took them for a little dip a few years ago, just in case you missed it.

We jump back and forth between the church and the canal. Sarah and Jason get some church music, David blasts “The You and Me Song” by the Wannadies as he drives the car into the canal.

The only man in the UK without a cell phone witnesses the car taking a nose dive in to the water. He runs off to call the police, and here is some important information, he doesn’t know if anyone swam to shore because he ran off to call the cops as soon as the car went into the water.

Back at the church, before the end of the ceremony, the cops arrive at the church to tell Gail about finding the car in the canal. Gail decides to leave the church to go see about her son. Audrey and Bill follow.

Sarah and Jason stand at the altar. Jason thinks they should stop the ceremony until they figure out what is going on. Sarah is not having it. I am in full agreement with Sarah. Stopping the ceremony when there are just a couple minutes left is foolish. Plus, we’re talking about David. Sarah makes the point that if they stop the wedding then the terrorists David will win.

They continue with the ceremony while the congregation whispers, but Maria runs out of the church. She catches up with Gail and Audrey and tells them about the note David left. Gail and Audrey are well upset with her, but I think their anger is kind of misplaced here.

Back in the church, the ceremony finished pronouncing the couple husband and wife. Sarah smiles, but Jason just looks concerned.

The Puppy

Jamie is quite surprised to discover to have a dog for a housemate. When Liam asks him what he thought the whimpering from the bedroom all night was about Jamie just gives him a knowing smirk. Later Liam tries to bring the puppy into the pub* only to be chucked out by his sister, who is unsure of the rules regarding dogs in the pub, and besides, she is trying to stay in the good books with Liz, for reasosn she will not divulge to her brother.

Molly comes by the factory later to tell Liam that the howling coming from his house is upsetting the pigeons and he needs to get it sorted straight away. At first Liam acts quite boorishly towards her, but soon changes his tune and charms Molly into fetching the dog and bringing it to the factory, but she has to sneak it past the girls somehow.

When Liam returns home at the end of the day he discovers that Jamie has built a barricade of sorts to keep the dog out of the kitchen. The two argue a bit about the dog, Jamie suggests that an ‘accident’ will solve all the problems. Sounds like he has been talking to Ken about how to care for a dog. Violet and Maria come by for a visit, Violet is having fun playing with the dog, which Maria interprets as an expression of maternal instinct. She asks Maria if she has a name for the baby yet, and also asks Liam if he has a name for the dog. No, on both counts. Maria suggests Rex as a name (for the dog), only reinforcing the theory that Mother Sutherland drank heavily while pregnant with Kirk and Maria.

At the end of the day Maria stops by to tell Liam that if he wants to, she can return the puppy, it was a daft idea for a present anyway. Liam says no, he will keep the dog, and has even chosen a name. Since the puppy is a bit scruffy and a bit of a shambles, Liam is going to name it Ozzy.

*The smurfman has been in a pub in England with dogs running about freely. Oddly enough it was the last place The Sex Pistols played in the UK before their final US tour with Sid Viscious.

The Italian

Leanne and Paul discuss what his 10,000 pounds investment is going to get him. After some debate, he will get a bigger share of the profits and total control of the kitchen.

Roger and Janice argue about going to dinner at The Italian, as he is quite content to stay at the pub and have some beer and crisps, and besides, the only time Leanne asks him to the restaurant is when she wants some money or a free service call. They bicker over whether or not Leanne is a scrounger. (A call girl yes, a scrounger? Never!)

At dinner Roger keeps moaning and whingeing until he tucks into his meal, which he proclaims to be flaming delicious! Janice cautions Roger to steady on, lest he actually start enjoying himself for a change. Things are going fine until they get the bill – for 200 quid. This sends Roger into a bit of a tizzy, and Leanne promises to get it sorted. She comes back, not with another bill, but rather a cheque for 8,000 quid to pay back the money she owes Roger. It was all a bit of a wind up.

The Party

Steve wanders by to discover Michelle unloading the beer truck and wonders where Vern is. An age old question indeed when there is work to be done. In the back room Steve and Michelle talk about how to bring up the notion of Liz and Vern moving out of the pub so they can move in together. Vern pops in with a roll of toilet paper in hand but slips out before Steve can an answer from him about what he has im mind for the 50th birthday of Liz.

In the pub later when the topic of Liz’s 50th birthday is brought up, Dev has a bit of a laugh at the notion of her turning 50. Steve points out that Dev is likely the next one to turn 50, but Dev denies this idea, saying that it is still many years away. Michelle gives him a look of disbelief, which puts Dev on the defensive.

Steve manages to talk to Vern in the back room about what he has in mind for Liz and the big birthday, but Vern will neither confirm nor deny that he has planned a party, only that he has arranged something better than a party. No help there then. While Dev is doing exercises to combat signs of a second chin (and his true age) he and Michelle tell Steve that he has get a party sorted for his mom, how tough could it be, what with him owning a pub and all.

The nice slippers Steve had in mind for a present will not suffice it would seem.

The Brother

David and Darryl debate the drawbacks of attending weddings. David tells young Morton that when Martin shows up for the wedding his dad will put things in order.

When the wedding party returns from the rehearsal David is lurking around the street, and Gail reminds him that he promised to make himself scarce for the wedding. Mother and son have the same conversation about how it’s always Sarah’s day and never his. Gail then informs David that Martin is not coming to the wedding because his baby is ill, and David is clearly surprised by this turn of events. Gail tries to comfort her son and tells him that surely Martin will call him when he has a chance. David slinks off to be on his own and gets a bit weepy.

David then goes into the Platt flat in a bit of a state and pens a suicide note – ‘If I don’t have a family then I don’t have a life. I’m sorry for all the hurt I have caused. At least this way I will never cause you any trouble ever again.’ He leaves the note on the table, addressed to Gail.

The Suit

Sean is driving everyone mad about the supposed stain on his suit. Marcus is sending Sean pictures of his suit, one section at a time, and Sean is worried that he will look tawdry next to him. Violet volunteers to bring the suit to the cleaners while she is going to the city, and Jamie tells Violet he would be happy to drive her to town. (getting closer again these two) At some point there is discussion in the pub about the gender of the baby which sends Sean into one of his hyperactive monologues that he goes into when he is feeling guilty about something, what he calls a ’smokescreen’.

Jamie sees Sean in the street later and tells him not to be such a git about the gender of the baby, and not to involve him in his deceptions, as Jamie is not as accomplished a liar as Sean is.

When Jason and Todd come home from The Rovers the night before the wedding Sean and Marcus are in their (clean) suits practicing how to strut their stuff. Jason had planned on an early night but Marcus has a bottle of tequila so it appears the party is just about to start.

The Bride

The women of the Platt clan are milling about getting things organized. The flowers are delivered a day early which causes a bit of a stir. The phone rings, it is Martin calling to tell Sarah that he will be unable to attend the wedding and therefore won’t be able to give her away. Sarah is understandably upset at this but Gail comforts her with a few words of wisdom. Sarah asks her mother if she would lke to give her away at the wedding, which Gail is happy to do and it’s tears and hugs all around.

Later Sarah and Maria return to the flat while discussing how great it would be if Jason cried at the wedding. (the smurfman always gets a bit weepy at weddings, because he knows he will never go for a pint with his mate again) Sarah finds the suicide note on the table, and she and Maria read it together. Maria is shocked by the note, but Sarah is convinced that it is a trick, another product of his sick little mind. She decides to call his bluff and rings David, and when he answers she tells her brother that if he were stood on the edge of a cliff, she would have one word for him – Jump!

You go girl. Maria looks concerned though.

At the pub later when the family is gathered Audrey tells the young couple that they have a bit of a surprise in store, and tells Gail to share the news so Sarah and Jason can plan accordingly. To save money they had not planned on a honeymoon, but Gail has arranged five nights for them in a posh hotel in the Lake District. Smiles and hugs all round.

Outside the pub the young lovebirds linger in a doorway and Sarah makes Jason promise that they will never stop snogging in doorways.

As the three generations of Platt women make their way home they notice that David’s car is missing. They ask Darryl (who seems to wander the street randomly) if he has any knowledge of what happened to the car. Darryl gives one of his cryptic replies and the women are left in the dark as to what has happened to David and his car.

Back in the flat the debate over Sarah and David starts up, Sarah is upset that once again they are discussing David rather than thinking about her wedding day. In the living room Gail and Audrey ponder the pros and cons of calling the police about David and his car. In the kitchen Maria tells Sarah about the conversation she had with Darryl earlier, when young Morton assured Maria that David seemed perfectly fine that morning. This confirms Sarah’s suspicions about David so she rips up the suicide note and throws it in the bin, telling Maria ‘This time I win.’

Some light internet research has told me that number 2 Coronation Street is an address almost as central to the life on the cobbles as the Rover’s Return.

Some memorable characters have passed through those doors both as proprietor and customer and it stands today as a place that viewers can catch a scathing tongue lashing, catch up on street gossip they may have missed and watch some drama unfold.

What is known simply as “the Salon” was opened by that siren or sirens Denise Osborne in 1992. She borrowed money from Don Brennan to do so and under her ownership she brought on Fiona, Maxine and a man named Jon Welsh when the strain of her pregnancy got in the way of the business.

Fiona actually managed the salon and was good at it. Denise was kind of known for doing a ‘runner’ when the going got tough and Fiona was left to run the salon. It was during Denise’s runner that Fiona had to meet a big management challenge in the form of her friend and co-worker Maxine. Maxine was the prettiest ditz on the street and she couldn’t be trusted to turn up for work. Fiona fired her (if Maxine thought that was hard, she had no idea what was in store for her). No fear, Fiona eventually hired her back.

Fiona proved to have good sense as a manger – too bad she didn’t apply that top her personal life *cough* Jim McDonald *cough cough*– as well as some skill as a stylist, winning a hair dressing competition in 1995.

Fiona worked very hard for Denise and was truly hurt when Denise offered her lease to John Welsh even though it was Fiona who held the place together. Moreover, John was back with his wife who was also a stylist. There was no room in the salon for an extra stylist and that meant Fiona’s job was on the line.

Fiona went to Denise and confronted her. Denise relented, although her do-a-runner plans were set in stone. She had to get rid of that lease, so she offered it to Fiona, who was broke. Thankfully her brother had made a wad of cash in computers and lent her the cheddar to get the lease.

Fiona ran the salon for the next year and a half, I guess. That year and a half was marked with a number of things happening at the salon the romances and conflicts were in a classic Corrie style. Then, in November 1997 Fiona needed to do a runner of her own fleeing her I-slept-with-Jim-McDonald reality. She didn’t however, leave the show.

In December 1997 Audrey, loving the life of a salon worker, decided that she’d like to own the place. Fiona refused to sell but kept Audrey on to help her as she was expecting. Indeed, Fiona ended up going into labour at the salon but actually gave birth after Steve drove her to the hospital. No, Steve was not the father.

The pair do, however, get together and actually live together over the salon. It is in the salon that Steve ends up getting with Maxine. Well, they start in the salon and finish in the flat above the salon. Maxine gets fired again.

However, a good firing isn’t enough to make Fiona happy. So, she takes the long cab ride down the cobbles and off the street.

This is how the salon ended up in the hands of Audrey but only after a kerfuffle with Fred. He was going to invest some money into the venture, but then Alf stepped in. He’d have none of that. Since Audrey went for the better offer, Fred called her ruthless.

In October of 1998 Maxine feared for her job as Audrey mused about bringing in another assistant. She already thought Maxine was a dingbat, so I wonder who she’d choose to hire. At this time she also comes up with several ways to make the salon a thriving business, including discount cuts for OAPs.

Audrey’s husband Alf died at a New Years Eve party in a chair. Audrey was shocked and upset to find that she would not be the wealthy widow she imagined she would be and she would have to live on the profits from her salon.

As it turns out Audrey didn’t find another stylist for the salon. She did, however, go to Canada leaving Maxine in charge. Unable to cope, Maxine got an assistant from the local beauty school, Tom. Audrey returned for Canada unimpressed with this new guy and let’s Maxine have it. However, Maxine thought real hard and mentioned that Tom has increased the bookings at the salon. Audrey allowed him to stay until the end of the week as she had a bunch of jumped-up council functions at attend.

Later in March 1999, Audrey noticed that Tom is a good stylist and fired Maxine – it’s like a roller coaster ride for this girl – but kept Tom. Jokes on Audrey because he quit in solidarity and she and Maxine planned to open up their on place right above Audrey’s salon called “Cut Above.” They actually do it, then Audrey offered them their jobs back, which they accepted.

By February 2000 Tom left the salon and Audrey hired Deb. She used to do hair on a cruise ship so you know she was well classy. Buy October, I guess Deb was doing good enough a job that Audrey and Maxine could go away and leave Deb in charge. This is when Candice started working at the salon washing hair.

In May of 2001, with Audrey’s best friend Alma on death’s doorstep Alma does something strange. She decided to leave all her money to Gail, Roy and Hailey and Audrey. The condition is that Audrey change the name of the salon to “Alma’s.”

In October of 2001 Audrey takes on Maria as an assistant.

Does anyone know if the salon is actually called Alma’s? I think it is, but I’m not 100% on this.

In 2002 Sarah started to do some work at the salon but it is just a work experience thing and doesn’t start working there in earnest until July of 2004 and only after Gail basically uses guilt to get Audrey to take her on. Sarah didn’t really take to styling hair very well and Audrey commented on Sarah’s lack of common sense, talent and intelligence. She’s a real supportive grandmother. At one point Audrey even fires Sarah for her laziness.

In September of 2004 Maria nicked some money from the till and gave it to a boy named Dave. Dave takes of with the cash, obviously, and Tyrone is the one to gets Maria out of the bind. However, Audrey isn’t one to be fooled and notices the money went missing. However, while talking to Maria about it, she blames Candice.

About a year later, Audrey fired Candice for being rude and insolent. That’s OK, because she has bigger fish to fry. She’s going to be a weather girl, except she’s a moron. Things, however, do turn up roses for Candice. She ends up leaving she show and going on tour as the tour stylist for Status Quo. I remember her exit scene. It was great! No one believes that she is leaving and make fun of her terribly. But, after giving Sarah her best comb, the tour bus pulls up and off she goes!

For a brief time in March of 2006, after Audrey killed Fred, she starts to wonder about her life and there is some talk about Maria buying the salon giving Audrey the freedom to do what she wants. The sale doesn’t end up happening as Maria can’t raise the funds for the salon. The salon stays in Audrey’s hands and she starts to bring David in to work. He actually is great with the customers and she has even mentioned that he could become a good stylist. We’ll see what happens there.

Right now the salon is staffed by Audrey, Maria, Sarah and David. As the show has been sexed up a bit for a more modern audience we notice that while the salon is still popular among the blue rinse set, the younger and sexier women of the street head straight for a salon in the city, unless, like Tracey, they need to cause some trouble.

The salon is such an important meeting place for the street residents and more importantly for the ladies. We’ve seen affairs, love stories, business dealings and births and friendships. You could almost call it a room of their own, but that would be kind of offensive and insulting to the work of Virginia Woolf.

A wedding dinner for Grimshaws and Platts

Eileen can’t believe she’ll be kin to Gail

Says Sean, for Jason, there’s always chance that

Our dim young Jason gets nervous and bails

The meal is fun, the drinkers so not meek

Eileen and Gail behave as though they’re friends

And even Bethany raised her voice to speak

As evil David listens from ’round the bend

“They hate me,” he says and fires off his gun

“My mum once wished her unborn son were dead”

“They never let me join in all their fun.”

But then an evil thought takes root in his head

Now Sean and Markus: lovers in a fight

Sean won’t tell Violet why, he’s much too coy

But don’t all of us know that reason just might

Be that Sean knows Violet’s having a boy

And Sean buys baby clothes and they’re all blue

Our Jamie sees them and says “Sean, stop it.”

Now Markus and Sean know. Jamie does too.

Everyone, it seems, except our Violet

Old Norris and Doreen, they’re always enemies

He hates her, with him she’s quite unimpressed

But if he were to get down on his knees

She thinks she would most likely say yes

Maria and Liam: they’re giving presents

Their budding romance must be heating up

Our Liam gave Maria a pendant

And Liam gets a Labrador pup

It’s back to school for our young Rosie

She really likes that old John Stape fellow

John Stape will help her study her poesy

And she will straighten out his Longfellow

I watched Corrie this morning and I was such a mean girl that  I felt as if I were channeling a drunk Paul Lynde.  (The over 40 crowd can thank me for that reference later.)

Three things:

1. Todd’s getting fat. 
2. Violet looks like she just hauled her ass up from the couch during a 3 day Maury Pauvich marathon to go get herself some more Cheezies from the kitchen.  Pregnant or no, she needs to comb her hair and burn that excuse for a sweater.  If were Liz I would have sent her home to change. 
3. Lloyd has the table manners of a HORSE.  What’s with the elbows on the table hunkering down and talking with your mouth full bit?

The One Thing We Know About David is He Has EXCELLENT Taste in Music

You know, these days I can’t get enough of David.  I can’t believe that merely a year ago I was begging for him to be taken off the show because I couldn’t stand looking at that smary face anymore.  But now, he’s becoming one of my favourites!  The character is complex and interesting (unlike the rest of the family).

This episode finds David listening to ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ (Glacia genuflects) and I so happy that he too recognizes Kurt Cobain as the genius he was and that Nirvana produced sublime poetry delivered from the voices of cherubim.

David asks Audrey if he’ll be allowed to use scissors when he enters hair styling school seeing that he’s a registered psycho now.   Audrey tells him to grow up but still defends him to Bill, etc.

Later in the Salon Gayle and Sarah arrive and when David asks how Jason is, all holy hell is poured on him by Sarah.  There’s enough argy-bargy (with Sarah asking David how it feels to know that his entire family wants nothing to do with him and that he has no friends and no future)  that Audrey sends David home for the day.

Later that evening Gayle finds David in the car sleeping and she tells him to come inside.  They have yet another of their painful mother/son talks and she wonders what’s wrong with him.   He said he didn’t know and that he felt like he just didn’t know how to be happy (Glacia started to feel sorry for him) and then he continued on about how he can’t help being who he is no more than someone can help having blue eyes (aaaaaaaaaaand Glacia’s sympathy goes ‘poof’ with the fact that he’s trying to suggest he has no responsibility for his actions.).

The conversation ends with Gayle telling David to stay away from the wedding and to give Sarah her day.  David responds with, ‘FINE, Why don’t I just DO that, Mother!’

Sean Is a Sneaky Pete

Sean continues to harp on about the baby’s gender and when Marcus shows up Sean tries to weedle the info out of him.

Over drinks Sean moans about how Marcus’s work is so much more interesting than his own, to which Marcus replies that it’s not all hearts and teddy bears.  For instance, Vi’s baby is old enough to pick it’s own nose and that it will pee in inside the womb.

Sean says, ‘Typical bloke, isn’t he?’

Marcus replies, ‘Yeah.’  And then, ‘D’oh!’

Sean is happy to know the gender but Marcus, rightfully so, is pissed.   He can’t figure out if Sean is stupid or incredibly selfish and says that he really doesn’t like this side of him as he marches out.

You know, again, I have to give kudos to whoever is developing the characters on the show.  I think we all know people like Sean who are really cool and fun to hang out with but are kind of needy and selfish and can really, really drain you.

Eat With A Horse

Eileen comes over to babysit so that Jody can go on her big date with Mr.Ed….I mean Lloyd.  

Half way through the babysitting detail, Eileen catches Kayleigh sliding down the drainpipe.   She tells her to get inside and K tells her that she’ll tell everyone that Eileen hit her.   Eileen tosses her ass inside the house anyway.

Kayleigh calls Jody at the restaurant which forces her to leave before she can finish her bag of oats.  She gives her apologies to Llyod and speeds off.

Back at the house she finds that K. is fine and called her back for no reason.  Jody is livid and for a moment there, I thought K was going to become a victim of shaken preteen syndrome.

What’s Up With Liam

Liam hears a voicemail from Karla and it’s clear that he misses her like the desert misses the rain.   He offers to check on the flat for Rosie and while he’s there, he picks up the picture of Karla and Paul and looks thoughtfully at it, which was cool because it was such a 1970’s ‘As The World Turns’ moment.

Then he puts down the picture and goes out to buy Maria some bling.

WHAT the hell is that?  John, Papa?  What kind of guy psychology is that?  Is it guilt?  For what?  The fact that he has a crush on his sister-in-law?  Is that supposed to be cheating on the girl he’s been dating for 15 hours?

In Other News

Doreen dates the world and let’s Rita know that she thinks Norris has a crush on her.

‘No, no, no,’ replies Rita, “Norris is so into me, not you.’

Doreen responds, ‘Pfffft, as if!’

#1 – There will be no Corrie Thursday night because of a footie game.  Corrie will be back to back on Friday.  Check listings for what time the second episode will be shown, but I”ve been told that there will be a scroll on Wednesday.

#2 – Brace yourself.   No Corrie during the Olympics, whatsover.  From whenever the hell they start to Aug 25th.  Now,  in defence of the CBC I can understand their reasoning.   They couldn’t find a reliable slot for Corrie during this time (even on the weekend), so instead of having us all chase around a moving target, they’ve decided to put it on hold until they know it can be on in a regular place.   Now, this means they can’t show it on the interwebs either something to do with the fact that if they don’t show it on the telly they aren’t legally allowed to show it on the interwebs.   Plus as my super secret contact (GEORGE SNUFFLUPAGUS!*) pointed out, it wouldn’t be fair to the fans without computer access.  Don’t worry puppets I’ll see if your crack team of Corrie Canuck Contributors can come up with something to keep you entertained.

#3 – An extra half hour of drinking!   I made reservations at the Temple Bar for July 31st – and the guy asked if we could come in at 6:30, not 7.  So if you haven’t done so already, let me know if you are coming so I can adjust the reservations.

*Totally kidding…my contact at the CBC is Rusty.