Corrie Canuck

What got me into this mess?

“How Come Guilt Only Ever Wins Out The Morning After, Not The Night Before?”

Liam – looking mighty fine to compensate for being as dense as day-old oatmeal – emerges from Carla’s lair looking shell-shocked. She comes out moments later, wearing his shirt. He mutters something about “one of them should go open the factory.”  Teasing him, she accuses him of sneaking out, as if nothing happened. He assures her that he remembers it all, but is flinchy and uninterested. “How come guilt only ever wins out the morning after, not the night before?” Carla muses.

Liam and Carla pull up to the factory, as Maria is walking toward them. “What will I tell her?” Liam asks Carla. Do not worry son. You sack of lies is deep and will provide. He tells Maria that they had a “breakfast meeting”. Remind me to invite Mr. Kunzie to a “breakfast meeting”…Maria has stayed over at Fiz’s, and wants to go and register the baby’s death, with Liam. Liam complies. 

They drive off in the noisy, noisy car to the registry office. Upon returning, they both say they are sorry. Liam wishes he could rewind three months. He returns to spend the day at work with Carla.

That evening, the factory is closing, dark except for the computer screens. Liam sits in flummoxed silence, unsure what to do. Carla enters, asking what the plan is. “I should just stay here all night,” Liam thinks. He seems touched by Maria’s strength that day, ironic in that he was repulsed whenever she needed any affection or cried. Dork. Carla offers him a set of keys, but says she’s not about to wait around convincing Liam that Maria is wrong for him and she herself is right. Carla!! Did you not take notes? Your chief virtues, in no particular order are boots, hair, clothes and red lippy) She presses the keys into his hands with a screen-burning kiss….confirming for me, once again, that Maria and Liam together are about as sexy as my fuzzy lounge pyjama set, sans bra.

“How Much Do Things Cost In a Pound Shop?”

Gail calls in sick to spend some time with Ted, who is apparently stopping over for a bit. She offers an assortment of breakfast choices. Tina comes downstairs in some smart, striped pj’s and also books off work…she needs a break from shoppers asking her “how much items cost in the pound shop.” Gail wants Tina to ring her mom, or at least provide the number.

Some time later, Gail rings Mrs. MacIntyre…who doesn’t know who she is. And doesn’t know who David is. And doesn’t care where Tina is, or so it would seem. Gail offers her their address and hangs up. Tina is worried that her mom bit Gail’s head off. The subject of Tina’s visit is raised; Gail suggests they play it by ear how long she will stay.

Ted has brought some family pictures to share with Gail. Even Tina is interested. At that point a 40-year-old version of Tina storms into the house, yelling. “Could we at least introduce ourselves, before shouting?” Ted inquires. Tina reluctantly introduces her mother, Anna.

Gail serves coffee before Tina and her mom continue sniping at each other. Anna accuses Tina of being a lippy brat, and Tina fires back that Anna is a self-occupied, uncaring mother. Anna is less than thrilled that Tina has taken up with a criminal. “Excuse me?” from Gail. Ted notes that Tina’s supporting Gail is an indication of Tina’s good character. Anna accuses Tina of “mixing with a bad lot,” apparently unaware that she is being continuously offensive to the person currently hosting her. 

To prove her point that Anna is uncaring and unaware, Tina throws in that her mother “never knew her daughter was pregnant, and had to get rid.” Anna bolts from her chair, shouting ensues, but Gail takes charge. She orders Tina upstairs, Ted to accompany her, and Anna to leave. “This is none of your business,” Anna snaps. “It is, under my roof,” Gail finishes up and everyone is sorted. At that moment, I loved Gail, and it wasn’t her boots OR her lippy.

After Anna’s departure, Tina wants to know if Gail is mad at her for hiding the facts from her mom. Gail says she isn’t sure what she expected, really. Ted points out that Anna was, of course, shocked, and might calm down later. Tina is doubtful. Gail turns to her father. “Aren’t you glad you dropped in?” she asks. Ted says that he is very proud of his child.

“Let Your Auntie Julie Look at You.”

Over at Kirk and Chesney’s, the general consensus is that Chez looks (more) pasty and unwell (than he usually does). Fiz is mega-annoyed by Julie’s well-intentioned fussing, which continues out into the street as they all prepare to leave. “Let Auntie Julie look at you,” she urges Chesney. Fiz tells her to give over and stop pawing at him. In parting, Fiz tells Julie that Kirk’s laundered socks and undies are on his bed, and perhaps in future she would like to add that task to her list, seeing as she likes to take care of people. 

At lunch, Julie has made Chesney some chicken soup, which he doesn’t want. She bustles around the house in her apron. Fiz returns home and is defensive and snotty with Julie, accusing her of interfering.

I admit I am a bit befuddled by Fiz’s hostility toward Julie; didn’t she want, precisely, for Kirk to get off her back, for some help and support with Chez, and a chance to have a life? Give your plastic headband a shake!!

Maria comes in, and asks Fiz to take a walk. Maria is saddened by the entire turn of events in her life. Fiz is convinced there is still hope, if Liam and Maria love one another. Kirk happens by; Fiz tells him to hurry home as Julie is trying to adopt Chesney. “Why would she do that?” he asks sincerely, “He lives with us!” Fiz sighs, “if only everything were that simple.” Even Maria has to laugh at this crack about her brother.

“Introducing Your Bits Into A Mangle”

Leanne shows up at the Rovers to check her rota, before opening. She hedges around asking if Michelle will be okay with her on staff, if there might be friction. (I’m not missing anything, right? This is due to the Paul Connor – Leanne debacle..she hasn’t slept with Alex or anything?) 

At the bookies’, Dan has taken a message for Harry, from one of his exes, Clarissa. Her intent, apparently, is to “introduce Harry’s bits into a mangle.” 

Later, Leanne and Betty chat while pulling pints. Liz is apparently morose, which Betty has noticed. “Pining over Vern,” Steve suggests. No one is convinced. Harry pops in for a double, trying to unmangle his bits. Liz perks up, and begins circling like a cougar in plastic earrings. Betty reminds them both that Liz is a married woman. I remind the reader that Liz’s definition of a “bit of fun” is stalking and shagging people who are not her husband. Cow.

Michael Byrne, the actor who plays Ted Paige, also played the role of a Nazi villain (is that a bit of redundancy?) in the classic 1978 film Force 10 From Navarone, featuring Harrison Ford, Robert Harris and Barbara Bach, among others.

Dear Emily Post

How inappropriate would it be, one day after the funeral of my stillborn child, and in light of ongoing marital difficulties, to sleep with my late brother’s widow?

Signed,

Dear Neither Use

Emily.

We open with Liam’s non-response to Maria’s question of whether they have a future.

“I’ll take that as a no then,” Maria says as she goes to call Fizz.

Outside, as Fizz helps Maria pack, Liam pleads with her not to leave. Carla comes out to see what’s going on and words are exchanged but she gets the picture that it’s over between Liam and Maria. Later, Liam and Carla glare at each other from across the street with what the missus calls, “seething lust.”

At Fizz’s Maria cries on her friend’s shoulder, calling herself a fool for letting Carla get to her.

Later, as it’s pouring rain, Liam gets in a cab and goes to Carla’s, where she is downing red wine and listening to the Verve (and why she doesn’t have black teeth, I’ll never know).

Liam comes in to tell her how she’s ruined everything with her clothes, and lipstick, and black hair. Carla counters that Liam’s problems have nought to do with her lippy and more to do with the fact that he fancies her.

Liam asks if she’s glad their baby died. Carla is taken aback by the accusation and denies it but says, maybe, it was for the best, all things considered. Liam is offended by the notion but Carla says she is only saying what he is afraid to say. 

Liam says he’d be happy if he never saw her again and storms out.  

 Just then, Maria makes the decision to call him to try to work things out. Outside, he sees her calling his mobile as he stares at it, then the buzzer, then the mobile. He makes a decision.

He goes back to Carla’s where they patch things up. And then she admits she fancied him all those years ago when she first started dating Paul. She asks him to come to bed. 

“What do you think I’m here for?” he replies.
 
Dear Emily Post

I am 50 years old and have just met my father for the first time in my life. He’s gay. Should I spend our first day together fixated on that fact?

Signed,
E.T.

No.

Emily

At the Platts’ Tina is grilling Ted about his late partner of 20 year, James, and if he was, like, seriously gay.

Ted asks Gail if she was surprised and she says she assumed he was “normal.” Ted is taken aback with the use of the term. Gail backtracks, saying that she voted for Tony Blair (it was under Blair that same-sex unions became law). 

Meanwhile, Audrey’s done her hair up right nice and plans to go over to Gail’s, just to see how they’re getting on, but Rita catches on and says she acting like a teenager.

She gets to Gail’s and asks Ted if he’d like to decamp to the Rovers later.

“Oh, he’s not decamping anywhere,” Tina says.

Audrey looks confused until Gail says, “Oh give it up, mam. He’s gay.”

Ted says that’s an elegant way of putting it. 

Later, they all have lunch where Tina notices that everyone is talking posh for Ted’s benefit (although it’s noted that Gail brings out the posh voice on occasion). Tina then jokingly asks Ted if it was Audrey who made him realise he was gay. Ted says he doesn’t know when he realised. Audrey then lets it drop that she thought David was gay once. Hah!

In Other News

Becky wants to go with Jason but he says he’d rather stay in for a quiet night at home. This leads to an argument with Becky storming out and back to Roy’s, interupting his coke n’ hookers binge jigsaw puzzle. He says he’s considering lifting the ban on Jason but Becky loudly declares it should stay.

Leanne is now working at the Rovers. Hopefully she won’t have anyone burn it down for her.

Kirkeh doesn’t seem to get that Julie would prefer to go on dates with him without Chesney tagging along.

And this damn song was playing in the Rovers so now it’s in my head.

Gayle’s Da
There’s a new stylist on the street named Natasha, and while it seems like she can give Maria a run for her money in the insecurity and dopey department, she’s a talented stylist as we can see by the fancy ‘do she does on Audrey. (Very impressive).

Gayle pops in to get her roots touched up and a chin replacement as she needs to gussy up for her first meeting with her father. Gayle’s feeling a bit insecure herself, but Audrey assures her they can ‘de-E.T.’ her in no time.

Just as Gayle is fluffing the pillows for Ted’s arrival, Tina barges in announcing that she hates her mother and that David said she could use his room.  When Gayle objects to her just showing up unannounced, Tina says, ‘Fine I’ll sleep in the streets, in the gutter, with a…DOG POO PILLOW’. (Best line of the night).

Gayle and her have an argy bargy on the street when Ted Page shows up. He assumes that Tina is Sarah and Tina assumes that Gayle has become lovers with a ‘coffin dodger’. When all is straightened out, the three go into the house for tea.

Tina begins to ask a lot of personal questions of Ted, including if Audrey was a ‘goer’ back in the day and Gayle suggests that Tina go upstairs to unpack.

Gayle and Ted bond and Gayle says that she always kidded herself that fathers weren’t important. (THANK YOU!!!!), but she’s happy they’ve met. She also lets Ted know that his grandson is a big fat jail bird….but it wasn’t his fault.   ‘Pffffffffft…right.’, says Tina.

Tina asks if she can take a picture and as she prepares, Gayle brings up Ted’s dead wife. Ted corrects her and says that his wife didn’t die, his partner died. His partner, James. Yes, he is a gay, gay, gay….a homosexual.

Oh, and because like a lot of you I was doing the WHERE THE HELL HAVE I SEEN THIS GUY BEFORE game…..I imdb’d him.  He was nazi bad guy (as opposed to nazi GOOD guy)  Vogel in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.  

And Ick.
It’s first thing in the morning and Maria and Liam at each other’s throats. Maria is being insecure and Liam is fed up. When Maria asks if Liam is going to work all day, he says it sounds like like an accusation.

Over at the factory, Liam tells Carla that he can’t blame Maria but still she is driving him around the bend. Carla is being supportive in a “Maria’s a dip and don’t forget she hurt you and lied to you’  kind of way.

Liam goes to the house to get info for the registration, but when he gets there Maria talks about Carla and how he still hates her for deceiving him.   He really seems to want her to just shut up.

Maria fondly reminisces over the time when her and Tyrone went out and that he always said she would leave him for someone better looking and smarter. She feels like karma has bit her in the ass because Liam is ‘perfect’. But wait! It gets better. Maria blames her jealousy for the miscarriage saying that she couldn’t sleep that night knowing that Liam is with Carla all night.

At this point Carla comes over with…a cake (wtf?).   ‘Shove off!’ Liam explains and pushes her out the door.

Later in the garden Maria tells Liam he needs to apologize to Carla. Liam, clearly stressed says that when Paul died, it threw him and Carla together. He goes on to tell Maria that he never cheated on her…HOWEVER, while she was wrong to think she’d lose him, she was right to feel jealous because he did feel something for Carla. He says that he’s only telling her that so that she won’t keep punishing herself.

Maria says, ‘Oh, of course, that’s perfectly understandable. You and Carla clung to each other out of grief and out of that experience you developed what you thought were feelings of love, but clearly these emotions were just an attempt to overcome your pain and put things back to normal. I understand, this kind of thing often happens. Now, let’s just get our marriage back on track with some honest and open discussions. Perhaps some tantric yoga would help too.’

Okay, that’s what happened in Opposite World.

What happened in this reality was Maria screaming ‘You love her!’ and stomping off.

Maria starts packing her bags to go back to Audrey’s. When Liam tries to stop her, Maria asks him if she hadn’t gotten pregnant, would he have asked to marry her or would he have pursued Carla? (Ooookay she’s got a point, cause I seem to remember the proposal being a bit of retaliation for Carla dating Tony.)

Liam swears on his life that he never slept with Carla. Maria responds with the rather creepy, ‘A week ago you swore on our baby’s life that you weren’t in love with Carla….now that baby’s dead.’

Mr. Glacia,who doesn’t really watch Corrie, says from the kitchen, ‘I don’t want to even know what that line was all about.’    Me too sweetie, me too…unfortunately you can’t ‘unwatch’ a god awful storyline.

Maria tells Liam that he can’t be with her out of guilt, pity or to try and block Carla out of his head. (Again, maybe that’s a little bit true). She wants to know one thing…does he honestly think they have a future. He doesn’t answer.

Becky Rae

Jason has to use secret code to contact Becky as he’s still barred from the café. Roy not happy that Becky is seeing Jason. When he sees Becky hanging out with Jason on her break, he calls her in. She responds by holding up a ‘Three Minutes’ sign. (Hmmm, why do I feel that Becky may be a wee bit too young to have ever seen Norma Rae?)

Becky teases Roy about holding onto his grudges, but he is firm in his position. He goes outside and reads Jason the riot act about being a married man and dating our Becky.

Yeah, Claire Gone Wild was clearly aimed at one sexual preference only…sorry…hope this evens up the score…

UK Time Friday May 9th – Episode II

The show opens at the funeral of little Paul Connor. Liam and Maria are sitting in the front pew. Everyone is somber at the funeral, but Kirk’s girlfriend is wailing like a professional mourner. I sympathized with her mainly because she has this amazing emotional pull over me, like she understands my inner most feelings. I had the same sense with Princess Diana.

The funeral was very sad. After, the small group gathered at the grave yard for the remainder of the service there and once everyone left, Maria and Liam sat the grave side. Liam didn’t say anything in the church, but at the grave yard feels like he wants to say something. Maria encourages him and he talks to the baby.

Graveside, Maria also apologizes for not telling Liam about the baby and basically making a mess out of the whole situation. After the funeral Maria and Liam go home and Maria decides not to go back to Audrey’s house. The other funeral goers head to the pub.

The house swap is in full swing between the Peacocks and the Websters. The estate evaluator has come by and is deciding on what the houses are worth. After Clair is totally gracious regarding Sally’s house, Sally is a bit of a cow while going through Claire’s house.

Once the evaluations came in we learned that Sally’s house is worth 98 thousand pounds. At the time of this writing that converts to $175, 927.05. Not bad for the down market suburb of a northern England city. Claire’s house is worth 123 thousand pounds. That is $219,408.62 in Canadian funds. The difference is close to 50 grand. Sally is chuffed, but Claire is pissed. She feels that Sally influenced the valuation by making comments about room size.

This promises to be a Coronation Street BATTLE ROYALE. The Breathtaking Busy Body Vs the Queen of Keeping up Appearances. Who will emerge victorious? Will it be our wide eyed red-head who doesn’t believe in secrets or the social climbing vixen who will stop at nothing to live above her station.

In Other News

Tina tells Gail that she has been visiting David. Gayle is glad that David is calling someone cuz it ain’t his mother.

Ted Paige has the worst day of his life. Gail called him and he actually answered.

Sean and Marcus living at Eileen’s. K.I.S.S.I.N.G.

Corrie star Julia Haworth, who has shed a stone after giving birth to daughter Sophia Elizabeth last July, dressed up as Kylie Minogue for a photoshoot

Folks were asking…so here she is….;-)

The Funeral

Liam is on the phone with Maria trying to understand why she is not coming to the funeral of their child. While he is on the phone Carla comes by with a suit for Liam, and a bit of a shoulder rub as well, once he is off the phone with his wife.

Bill and Audrey try to persuade Maria to go to the funeral, telling her that she has to say goodbye to her baby. Maria tells them that she already said goodbye at the hospital, and besides, her presence at the funeral will just make things worse.

Fiz and Kirk, suitably attired in funeral garb, stop by to visit Liam. Carla is there as well, and a bit of an unpleasant conversation kicks off, with Carla commenting that Maria is ’sick in the head.’ Fiz asks Liam if there is anything they should tell Maria. Liam says he thought she loved me. Fiz tells him she does, you know she does, which prompts Liam to wonder why she would need anyone to talk to her for him.

Fiz and Kirk then go to visit Maria, and they also try to persuade her to attend the funeral. Maria tells them that everyone thinks she is a ‘nasty, selfish little cow’ and she will only be an unwelcome distraction at the funeral.

Carla and Liam stop in at The Rovers for a drink. Sean asks them ‘Can I get you a drink, or is it gong to turn nasty like last time?’ Marcus and Sean are obviously dressed for the funeral, prompting Carla to ask, in a less than welcoming voice, if they are planning on attending. Marcus says that was their intent, unless it is a problem. Liam assures them it is not a problem, civility prevails, and Liam gets a brandy in for all of them. Carla makes a point of telling them that Maria is leaving Liam on his own to bury their son.

Audrey continues to reason with Maria, telling her that ‘We all make mistakes, it’s what happens after that matters.’ Too true. Maria can stay cooped up and let her life slip away and dhe can get out there and try to fix things with Liam.

At the church there is a hearse parked in front with a tiny coffin in the back. Kirk bemoans the fact that will never be able to share his love of animals with his nephew. Fiz sums it up best when she says ‘That has got to be the saddest sight in the world.’

The Vicar greets Liam and Carla, and assuming that Carla is the grieving mother, offers her his condolences. Liam corrects his mistake and asks for a few more minutes. The Vicar, a picture of compassion, readily agrees. A short while later Carla tells Liam that there no point in waiting any longer, and they proceed with the funeral. Liam is given the casket to carry, as as he holds it in his arms he looks out the gate, I think to see if Maria is coming. No one is there however, so Liam turns around with his painful burden, and to the accompaniment of the church bell, the funeral party makes their way toward the church.

As they make their way to the church Audrey and Maria arrive at the church gate.

Other Less Important Things

Ches has decided to stay home from school to comfort Kirk, but Julie tells him that she can take care of Kirk and sends Chesney on his way. Fiz is in the living room iroming a shirt for Kirk to wear to the funeral, till Julie tells Fiz that she ironed one for him last night already. Fiz seems less than enamored with Julie…

Tina visits Gail at the clinic.

Gail talks to Bill, and then Audrey, about getting in touch with Ted.

Claire and Sal are going ahead with the house swap plan. Sal wonders what changed Ashley’s mind. Claire tells Sal that Ashley had it ‘changed for him.’

Kev pops in at home to use the loo, but Sal tells him that he has to go to the cafe and use their loo instead, as she is cleaning the house for the estate agent who is coming to give the house a valuation. Then Sal, loving wife that she is, tells Kev that he is so working class, and in anticipation of living in their new house ‘You ought to try drinking wine, cause cans of beer in a conservatory – it’s just not right.’ The estate agent shows up, followed by Claire and Ashley, who have come to see what he has to say. Some awkward conversation ensues. Kev makes a joke about how the agent must look like Brad Pitt, the way the women are following him around.

In Which Claire Channels the Spirit of Ida Morgenstern

Claire and Ashley walk out their door and Claire immediately starts in about how great it would be to live in the Webster’s house.  Ashley tells her that they went over that last night and his mind is made up, they are not selling his dad’s house.  Claire responds by saying that if Fred was alive he’d tell him that the shop is his legacy, not the house and it’d be better to sell the house to save the shop.  (Which I can kind of believe, but Ashely says if that’s true they’ll just have to find another way of saving the shop because the house stays.

Sally has basically the same conversation with Kevin about moving – except when Kev says ‘No.’ Sally calls him a caveman dragging her around by the hair – sexist bastard that he is.  Afterwards, Claire and Sally meet up to compare notes and try to figure out how to change their men’s minds.  Sally says it’ll be hard because Kevin is so stubborn that he’d be a Taurus if he wasn’t already a Virgo.  (Hmmm….I don’t see Kev as a Virgo…not as tidy as your typical Virgo.  I see him more as a Cancer.).  Aaaaaaaaaaanyway,  they come to the conclusion that if Claire can change Ashley’s mind, Kev will follow.

Later back in the conservatory with Mr. Peacock and a candlestick,  Claire tells Ashley that it’s not only the money she’s concerned about.  Turns out she’s been having flashbacks to the fire and all the nastiness that followed and she really needs to get out of the house and make a new start.   (My god Claire, your ass is EVIL.).   She further adds that she can’t sleep at night, ‘But if you’re set on staying here, well, I guess I’ll just have to adjust.  Can I make you some tea.’.

Later that evening she walks into the living room and says, get this…’Freddie was a sleep the minute his head hit the pillow.   (insert sigh).  Lucky Freddie.’.  For some inexplicable reason, Ashley decides to give in and agrees to move houses.

Okay, I’m going to interject as a woman who’s dealt with several Jewish and Catholic moms (I know from guilt.).   I’m going to give Claire 10 points for the original ‘I can’t live in the house ‘o bad memories’ idea and follow up ‘But if you’re set on staying here.’ comment that lets Ashley know that SHE is at least willing to make sacrifices for him.  An extra  5 points for the offer to make tea – very subtle and once again reinforces the level of her commitment to him and the family.

She does however lose 4 points for ‘At least Freddie gets to sleep.’ for the complete lack of subtlety…really it was over the top.  I was surprised that Ashley fell for it, but he is a WASP and thereby probably has not built up the auto-immune guilt defense that one needs in these situations.  

So that’s 11 points for Claire….a nice showing for a relatively inexperienced Guilt  Based Manipulator.

Oh, on a side note, she’s buying books at the thrift shop and has a leaning towards mysteries.

And Ugh, Back to This.

Liam confronts Marcus about not telling him about the baby, but Marcus replies that it wasn’t his place too and that this is between him and Maria.   Carla catches Liam on the street and takes him back to his place where she starts in about Maria until Liam tells her that the baby was stillborn.  Carla, genuinely concerned, comforts Liam with a hug and when he says that he needs to talk to Maria offers to drive him over to Audrey’s.

Over at Audrey’s Liam and Maria have a chit chat and then Liam tells her that he needs to see the baby and asks her to come with him.  Maria says she’d rather not.  (Don’t even get me started on this….I know she’s grieving, but HELLO, so is your husband and you need to be by his side.  Even if you don’t want to see the baby again, you need to go with him at least to the hospital.).   So when he leaves Maria does the doe-eyed looking out the window ‘OMG, he’s going off with Carla…See, I knew he wanted to be with her.’ look from behind lace curtains.  So yeah, Carla is the one to take him to the hospital and stay with him during the visit and give him a shoulder to cry on.

He goes back to Audrey’s to discuss the funeral plans with Maria.  They decide on a small service family and close friends; Maria doesn’t think her parents can make it and Liam doesn’t think he can bear having his parents there.   They also decide to call the baby Paul as agreed before. 

Liam leaves, again without Maria, and when he goes back to the flat Carla is there …having prepared some food for him.

I know I’m going to get disagreements, but I think once again the writers have done a nice job of NOT make a character one dimensional.  Sure Carla is a bitch, but she’s not pure evil.  To me,  she’s acting out of true concern here, not an ulterior motive.

In Other News

Fizz is beginning to dislike  Kirk-eh’s 53 year old girlfriend.

Audrey tells Kirk-eh about the baby.

Gayle asks Audrey for Ted’s phone number.