Corrie Canuck

The venue where David ’strikes’ out

Red Red Wine

Ken is anxiously awaiting the return of Deirdre, and when he hears the door open (while he is at last shaving) he is disappointed to see that it is Blanche. When Deirdre does make an appearance, Ken does his best to apologize again for his caddish behaviour of late. However, fresh from a prison visit, Deirdre is in no mood for making up, sticks the knife in by telling Ken ‘What a pity I haven’t got Mike (Baldwin) to run to.’ before proceeding upstairs to have a bath.

Blanche, having sat there through this exchange without saying a word, informs Ken that she is trying to keep her nose out as an experiment, but finds it a bit boring.

When Deirdre comes down from her bath, she gets stuck in with Ken again, calling him a philosopher and the president of Mensa. They argue a bit, but when Ken shows his wife the letter he has written to Tracey (the first one perhaps?) this seems to break her resolve. Deirdre admits that it must have difficult for Ken to burn his novel, and he admits it was a bit of derviative tosh that only served to distract him from his family. The two then have a maudlin conversation about growing really old together before retiring to the back garden for a ‘Deirdre’, aka a large glass of red wine. Ken asks, hypothetically, if Deirdre were to write a novel, what it would be called. ‘Love on the Cobbles’ she replies, as they cuddle on the bench.

Take The Skinheads Bowling

David stops by the health centre to get some keys from Gail, and she fills him in on the master plan she and Joe came up with to get their respective kids back together. David seems willing to go along with the plan, although is obviously going to end badly. At some point Gail tells David that he is ‘neither use nor ornament.’

Later at the bowling alley Gail and Joe try to act surprised to see each other, but Tina is on to them right away and tells the adults that ‘your acting is shameful.’ David does his weasely best to get back into Tina’s pants, err good books, but she is not interested in any reconciliation and makes a quick exit. David is a bit saddened that the clever plan has failed to come off, and he too slinks home, leaving Gail and Joe on their own. Some nauseating flirting follows, leading Gail to ask what Joe is doing. ‘Flirting’ he says, ‘it was big in the 80’s.’ ‘So were shoulder pads’ replies Gail, ‘but it doesn’t mean it was a good idea.’ They talk about going on another date, but Gail wonders what the chldren will think. Joe tells her that they don’t need to know. Good plan Joe…

Drugs In My Pocket

Teresa stops by the medical center for a refill of the prescription for Jerry. Gail wonders where the pills went so fast. Teresa tells her that Jerry lost them somehow, typical male. Gail tells Teresa that she won’t be able to get them that day, because the doctor isn’t in. Teresa gets all rabid foaming pit bull and tells Gail that will have blood on her hands. Gail thinks that she might be able to get the duty doctor to sign for the drugs. ‘I could eat you’ Teresa tells Gail, which mystifies her as much as it did me I think.

At home Jerry amd Finlay are sitting down for their meal, a sandwich for Finlay and curry again for Jerry. They try to switch plates but Teresa stops them, saying that it will keep Finlay up with an upset stomach, but it is the hidden drugs in the curry she is worried about. There is more talk about Teresa moving into the flat but she is concerned about how damp it is, and how mould is bad for the kids. Finlay points out that there is some mould on the bread but Teresa tells him it is penicillin so it is good for him. Jerry just rolls his eyes.

Guantanamera

Sean, Marcus, Becky and Michelle are set for a night on the town, much to the chagrin of Steve, who is concerned at the lack of coverage the dress Michelle is wearing provides. She gives him short shrift and the Scoobie Gang are on thier way.

At the bar the foursome are having a good time, doing tequila shooters and people watching while the karaoke is going on. Becky sends a text to Jason telling him about Michelle and her Guantanamo jumpsuit outfit. Sean talks about how Michelle used to be a bit of a belter in the day, or at least massive in Rochdale once upon a time. What kind of songs did you do? asks Becky. ‘Covers’ replies Michelle. Becky thinks this is an odd name for a song, much to the mirth of the others.

Mcihelle takes a turn on stage doing a bit of singing, and then runs into JD, (Jayydee?) an old friend from the music business. While Sean and Marcus do a duet, they talk about Michelle and her fella, and how he slept with another woman. (who happens to be standing next to her) JD wonders if Michelle is still in the business and if she could fill in the following night as a back up singer for someone who had laryngitis. Michelle is keen to fill in.

At the end of the evening Michelle invites JD back to the pub for a night cap, and of course they run into Steve in the smoking shelter. Naturally, there is much awkward conversation and jealousy, but Michelle gets her way, leaving Steve outside on his own.

Nothing to do with the Street – other than the striking resemblance between this wee gopher and our Gail – especially when he smiles! A good hoot!! Cheers.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1u5gt_gopher-broker-funny-cartoon_creation

I’m afraid you’ll have to paste the above line into your browser – DailyMotion is too technical for me

 It’s the dirty story

of a dirty man

and his clinging wife

doesn’t understand.

His son is working

for the Daily Mail,

it’s a steady job but he

wants to be a paperback writer…

Morning finds Ken passed out on the couch. Deirdre and Blanche talk in low voices as they watch him from the kitchen door. Blanche wants to know how long Deirdre plans to put up with this. “It’s not the book I mind,” Blanche tells her daughter emphatically, “it’s the rudeness, the boozing, the beard!” Blanche is convinced that the chain-smoking fishwife character in the book is non-fiction, starring Deirdre. Deirdre is skeptical but the seed has been planted.

At lunch, Deirdre brings home fish & chips for herself and Ken and encourages him to take a break. He says flatly he’s not hungry. Deirdre points out that she’s come back especially, and can’t he just give her a half-hour. Ken notes that he’s been “a bit absorbed,” in that curious way he has of painting his obnoxious, condescending behaviour in the softest possible light. Deirdre, having decided that the chain-smokng fishwife is indeed her, probes Ken. 

Ken loses patience quickly with the questions about the “fictional” marriage. He becomes angry and says all she can do is question and complain. Deirdre is very hurt, and tells Ken how very sorry she is that his life was such a drag until he rediscovered his masterpiece. “I just want to finish!” he shouts in exasperation. “Believe me, you’re not the only one,” retorts the fishwife, slamming out.

Later, Deidre comes home early, pulling a sicky. Ken is out. Blanche urges Deirdre to finish the manuscript and decide if she really sees her marrige therein. Blanche then goes for a nap.

Ken comes home to find Deirdre in tears. Rather than have the slightest interest in his wife’s distress, he rages at her for reading the manuscript, “How dare you!” Deirdre flings the pages at him, furious at her characterization. She says the hero must be Ken: “Clever grammar school boy….dealing with the fools and harridans around him as he struggles to escape his roots. And the fag-smoking monster he marries…You think you’re too good for around here, too good for me. If I’m so boring, so parochial and around here is so awful, why did you never have the guts to leave?” she cries.

“Don’t think I haven’t tried,” he shouts, redfaced. He accuses her view of being simplistic; obviously not that of a towering intellect. The bottom line for Deirdre is that Ken is implying he has married beneath him. “At least I’ve been able to use something from my own experience!” he roars. And earns himself a slap. Deirdre runs away in tears as Blanche walks in “Get out,” Ken hollers. And pours himself a stiff drink.

You Won’t See Me

David wakes up and calls in a sicky at work. He wants to clear his day to try and talk to Tina. Gail cheerfully offers him a cuppa and says that David doesn’t have to explain himself to her – it’s his job and his sicky. She hopes he can straighten things with Tina.

Later, David lounges outside when Tina and Joe pull up in the car. “He’s keen, I’ll give him that,” Joe remarks to his daughter. He comments that we all do mad stuff when we’re in love. Tina won’t be budged. She enters Jerry’s for work. As David approaches, Joe blocks his way, but  kindly. He tells David that Tina likes him but if he goes crashing in, he’s had it. He advises patience. David backs off. David tries again later as Tina is serving Bill. Darryl ushers him outside. He also urges David to back off. “You stink of desparation,” Darryl advises. “have a bit of dignity.” David slopes off home. “Be a man, my son.” Darryl calls after him.

Gail, meanwhile, has purchased some magazines from the Kabin to replace the ones gone mysteriously missing from the medical centre when she runs into Joe in the street. She offers up her little buck-toothed randy-gopher smile. They discuss their estranged teens, and decide to prolong the chat over a cuppa.

Michelle Ma Belle / Another Girl

Ryan has returned home and surprises Michelle in the sitting room behind the pub. She greets him and asks him if he’s gotten taller. Ryan wants to know what’s up with Steve. Steve has told Ryan they fell out – after all, it was a long cab ride from the airport. Michelle is immediately snarky and defensive. She apologizes. Michelle says they broke up because she suspects Steve of cheating on him.

“Where will we go?” Ryan wants to know. Michelle tells him they’re staying in Steve’s pub. “You haven’t really thought this through then,” Ryan correctly surmises. “I thought you loved him, and we were settled.” Ryan says, adding with a deadpan innocence that Steve would never cheat just because you whine like a buzz saw on granite. ‘Kay not the last bit.

Becky is chatting with Jason and Eileen during her shift. Eileen gently wants to know how long Becky is staying, mentioning the house is crowded. Michelle is filing her nails and being a snot to Steve. He attempts to explain why he told Ryan. He then points out that they need some clean glasses and Michelle replies, “Be my guest.” Steve then asks Becky to stop chatting and clean the glasses. There is a weird, static, eye-locking moment between them before she agrees, Michelle whines, “Don’t have a go at her just because you’re too much of a wimp to ask me to do it!” He already tried ya mardy cow.

Jason finds Becky later in the smoking shelter . He has picked up the frission between her and Steve. Becky fluffs it off, saying Steve was just chucking his weight about. Jason is still disturbed.

In the cab office, Steve complains to Eileen about Michelle’s attitude and says he can’t carry on. He lies to Eileen when she asks who he boffed. Eileen isn’t buying it. Just then Jason pops in. He wants a word…about Becky.

Obla-Di, Obla-Da

Molly is doing dishes when Tyrone sneaks up on her to steal a snog. Auntie Pam comes in with wedding magazine she’s knicked from the medical centre. She still has her head full of grandiose wedding plans and is flatly ignoring Molly and Tyron’s request for simplicity. Anyone want some balsa wood wedding invites?

The three of them are still pouring over magazines, having shifted to the Rovers. Ooh, what about a horsedrawn carriage? Auntie Pam wonders. Molly reminds Tyrone that she just wants to marry him – not get into debt over it. They seem united on that front and Pam is shut out for the moment.

When I’m Sixty-Four

Audrey is moving supplies about in the sal-oh. Natasha urges her to take it easy. Ted stops by to say that Bill has returned the peace-offering opera tickets…he’s planning to attend Carmine, but says it’s no fun alone. He invites her and she accepts, explaining that she’d declined to go with Bill because she knows it’s not his thing. He’d be crunching crisps or snoring. She bumps into Bill later, outside the sal-oh. He asks her out for a beer. Audrey confesses she accepted the opera invitation from Ted. Bill says it’s a good thing he’s not the jealous type, and wants to know if Ted’s still gay. The ice seems to be thawing between them.

Excerpt from Northern Burn, the lost novel of Ken Barlow:

Leiticia, our hero’s pert bottomed goddess, lay across her bed, exhausted from yet another session of vigourous and youthful lovemaking. Her lover put on a recording of Hector Berlioz’ Les Troyens a Carthage and she wondered what she admired more: the fact that he still had the body of a 30 year old Olympic decathlete or his unparalleled intellect and appreciation for the finer things.

Fortunately for her, she’d have the rest of  the day to debate this as he had to return to a marriage as stale as a twenty a day habit. He tied his jumper jauntily around his shoulders and opened the door.

“Oh, Ben Karlow,” she asked him as he walked out. “Must I share you with that shreiking harridan of a wife and her nosy, judgmental mother?” 

Woozamail

Tina is on the warpath, looking for David, having discovered through Darryl that he’s been reading her emails. David is in the Rovers, telling Joe and Gail that he is planning to take Tina to the Cortinas show. Joe mentioned that he took a girl to the Bay City Rollers once and had an aversion to tartan ever since.

Darryl is desperately trying to find David but keeps missing him. When David finally does meet up with him, Darryl lets him know what happened and admits that it was his fault. David rushes to find Tina at his house, where she’s packing. She tells David that she didn’t realise what a sad pathetic loser he was and that he can’t handle a proper adult relationship. She also adds that she must have been just another one of his mind games and would have ended up at the bottom of a canal or in a heap at the bottom of the stairs if she stuck around any longer. She finds Joe outside and orders him to drive her home.

As Joe pulls away in the Ford Mondeo, David runs alongside the car, begging Tina not to leave. He gives up, only to find Darryl standing by the side of the road.

“Well,” he says. “Here’s another fine mess you’ve gotten us into.”

Ok, not really.

The Manuscript

Ken is turning the house upside down looking for the lost pages of his manuscript. He starts digging through the recycling bin and complaining about the trashy gossip mags, which he takes to be Blanche’s  but Deirdre corrects him that they’re hers and she doesn’t much like being called a philistine. She thinks Ken should look up “pompous” and “bore” the next time he swallows a dictionary.

Blanche thinks Ken book is as smutty as the magazines Peter used to read and notes that his lover in the book is a “pert bottomed goddess” and he is in a marriage “as stale as a twenty a day habit”. Blanche finally pretends to have “found” the lost pages. Ken gets excited to start revising again. Deirdre asks if he wrote that 40 years ago. He says yes but now he has 40 years of experience to draw on. Deirdre invites Blanche out for a drink and makes a point of not inviting Ken as she’s sure he wouldn’t want to spend time with a fag smoking philistine. He tells her that he apologised for what he said but Deirdre counters, “Oh, you haven’t begun to apologise.”

In Other News

Sally’s working overtime and Fiz and Kelly  are jealous. They ask Tony about it and he tells them TO NEVER QUESTION MY DECISIONS AGAIN!!! So I guess he’s still rattled by that meeting with Jed Stone.

Anyway, Rosie mentions to Carla that Sally is working overtime because they need the cash on account of Tony driving business away from Kevin. She asks if Tony could lay off Kevin but Carla says Kevin could just accept his offer. 

Rosie then suggests that, you know, Liam could talk to Tony about because they’re mates. Carla is all, “Oh, you leave Liam the fuck outta this.” Carla’s rattled enough by Rosie suddenly rather clever blackmail scheme that she forks over a wad of cash and tells her to keep her mouth shut. Rosie tells her, “Oh you can trust me. Honestleh.” Well, she IS so far not mentioning that she has Carla and Liam snogging on her camera phone.

As Carla leaves for a business trip, she warns Tony that Rosie can be trouble. 

“Oh, I can handle Dozie Rosie,” he answers.

Ted sees Bill and tells him to make amends with Audrey and get her some flowers and tickets to te opera. So he does that and she  tells him to give them to Sally so she can sell them for the cash to thank her for putting them up.

Joe and Gail: still not quite dating.

Theresa: still doubling Gerry’s meds.

UK Time – Friday August 8th 2008 – Episode I

How many is too many?

The show opens with Teresa in the Morton kitchen looking to make Jerry a cup of tea but Jerry isn’t awake as yet. Jerry eventually comes down stairs and Teresa is all super interested in how Jerry is feeling. While Jerry is hoping for a cardiac arrest breakfast, Teresa will be serving something healthy.

Later on in the day Teresa is at the medical centre picking up Jerry’s pills. I guess it is just too much for Jerry to cross the street to get the pills himself.  Teresa and Gail chat about the medication and Teresa is all worried that if Jerry takes too many or too few that it will do damage. Really, she sees to be really worried about Jerry taking too many pills. Gail tells her that taking too many pills will not kill Jerry. She must have learned that at the special medical/pharmacology school for medial receptionists. Teresa leaves and Gail scrubs in for some minor cardiothoracic surgery.

Tina is well excited as she has plans to see her favourite band. How did David know! Tina, David and Gail sit around the kitchen table talking about the up-coming evening. Gail is happy to be home alone and David make a joke about her having men around to the house.

A bit later, after Tina and David have left for work, Tina’s dad drops by with her favourite sparkly top. How nice, why doesn’t she live with him, again? The two of them are alone in the house and end up making a date for later in the pub. I haven’t seen such sexual tension since Cocoon.

At lunchtime in Jerry’s shop Tina begs for some time off I guess for concert related duties.  Jerry lets her run off and suggests that Darryl should take a page out of Tina’s book and live a little, You know, be a totally stroppy teenager, get a psycho girlfriend and move into her family’s house, totally slag off his own parents and lie to the police when she almost kills her mom. Darryl makes some comment about David living dangerously.

A bit later and Darryl and Tina clean up the shop and Darryl makes a joke that reveals that he had to be into Tina’s email. Since she is pretty sharp Tina picks up in the joke and gets the truth out of Darryl. She flies out of the shop on her way to confront David.

Jed entertaining Ena Sharples and Mini Caldwell. Interesting fact, Jed is a year younger than Ken.

If you weren’t sure that Tony “Eyeball” Gordon was a baddie then last night’s verbal sparring match with Jed Stone should convince you. Tony went to the little Buffalo section of Weatherfield looking for Jed since he has not vacated his house. Tony is angry and tries everything to get Jed out of the place including a bribe and some thinly veiled threats.  Jed tells Tony that he isn’t afraid of him but Tony continues to play the tough guy. Eventually Jed get’s Tony out of his house.

Tony should be careful who he’s stepping to. Jed has a long history on the street, one that includes some time in and out of the slammer back when he was friends with Elsie Tanner’s son, Dennis. His checkered past makes him a bit of a scrapper. He was always pretty quick. Something tells me this guy will be a lot of trouble for Tony.

In Other News

The Websters are still worried about money due to Rosie’s corporate espionage on Tony Gordon’s behalf. They have a mortgage to pay and a holiday they planned for. Rosie is seeing, first hand, how much this is helping her dad.

In the factory, Sally asks Tony for some overtime shifts.

Ken continues to work on his novel. Blanche continues to be an abrasive old bat. Deirdre continues to be unsupportive. Blanche basically steals about 70 pages of Ken’s book to look for anything salacious.

Audrey goes to the builder’s yard to tell Bill that Ted is staying with her to “take care” of her. Do they not know Ted is Gay? Why does Audrey need “taking care of”? Does she really expect Bill to have a coffee and a friendly chat with her after all this?

Envy

Tina shares the story of the shared bath/rose petal with Darryl, although he fails to understand how twenty candles and a plastic bathtub may have been a problem. Round about then the new and improved, spontaneous David shops up at the kebab shop and manages to surprise Tina with some tickets to go and see The Cortinas. Tina seems well impressed with David at the moment.

Lust

Dev goes round the golf club to have a drink with Prem and is surprised to see Nina there with him, but Dev recovers well enough. When Prem goes to take a call Dev and Nina have a little bit of naughty talk.

Sloth and Greed

Kevin drives up to his garage to find it blocked by one the UnderWorld vans, and in a measured and mature manner, proceeds to lay on the horn ad infinitum. Rosie tries to talk to him, before Tony comes out and has a few words with Kev, ending with an ominous comment about Kevin not having any cutomers left by the time the van is moved.

Later at The Rovers Tony buys a drink for Sally and asks her about the proposed relocation plan he had in mind for Kevin and the garage, and how it would increase the business, plus the service contract for all Tony’s vans. It is obvious that Sal has no idea of what he is talking about, but does her best to cover up. Tony wonders what Kevin’s ‘Mount Everest’ is, since everyone has a goal that they are trying to reach. Kev comes in and tells Tony to move along, before sitting down to an ear full from his darling wife. Kev thinks he was defending her, Sal sees it as being undermined in front of the neighbours. Sal then tells her husband that Tony actually believes Kevin has a plan, and not that he is just being stubborn, and that Amy Barlow has more imagination and ambition than Kevin does.

Wrath and Pride

Janice, in a surprising change of character, is trying to smooth things over between Bill and Audrey, but to no avail.

Gail stops by her mom’s to see how she is, and is told by Audrey that she has had an ‘epiphany’ about Bill, that she doesn’t care enough about him. Ted thinks that Audrey and Bill both have a twinkle in their eye for each other, but she disabuses him of that notion.

Bill stops round to try and apologize again, and sort things out but Audrey is unwilling to give him a listen.

Ted and Audrey are in the garden talking about soul mates. She admits that Alfie was not really her soul mate, she loved him dearly, but their relationship was more plodding than soaring. She wants her remaining years to be good ones, and not spent with somone who is not her soul mate – and whoever that is, Bill is not he. Ted wisely suggests that Audrey tell that to Bill – in a gentle fashion.

Gluttony

The saga of Teresa continues. She is worried when she can’t track Jerry down, but it turns out he was organizing a place for her to live, above a pizza place owned by a friend of theirs. It is freshly renovated, and Teresa will get a break on the rent in excnage for working three shifts a week. Jerry is even going to take care of the deposit for her. It sounds like an excellent opportunity but Teresa is clearly not enthralled with the plan.

There is a conversation involving Jerry’s lucky underwear but I have blocked most if it from my memory…

Later on Jerry and Darryl are on the sofa watching a quiz show and Teresa is cooking some beef madras, one of Jerry’s favourite dishes. While the boys are engrossed in where Che Guevara was born, Teresa grinds up some of Jerry’s medicine and sprinkles it over his food. She tells the men to come and eat their dinner, although she has to quickly switch the plates when they sit down. Jerry, loving his madras, proceeds to inhale his spiked dinner, while Teresa watches on anxiously in the background.

"Things are great with David. He's well cool."

Sorry all, for leading you down the garden path and stating our road trip crash took place in France;  as corrected, the gang did indeed make it back to Merry Old England before going off the road. That’s what I get for being a smarty-pants and trying to type sans PVR so Mr. Kunzie could watch playoff beards and exploding cars.

Knowing Me, Knowing You

Aaaaanyway…..The dust settles in the brush as the auto accident victims take stock. Everyone appears in one piece except Camilla, who has a “hurt arm”. Roger has a slight neck crick. Janice rings for an ambulance.

Jan offers Audrey an aspirin, and gets sarcasm in return. Janice then decides to go be sick.  The familiar nee-nurr-nee-nurr of a Euro ambulance is heard in the distance. 

Gail and Ted show up at the hospital. Bill admits he should have been driving, but couldn’t after a can. This makes Gail quite angry. Audrey, looking theatrically feeble, exits the triage and is surprised to see Ted and Gail. They take Audrey home. Gail accuses Bill of being incapable of looking after her mother. Reluctantly, she leaves her in his care. 

Bill fusses over Audrey, but she’s in a foul mood. He sincerely apologizes for the weekend. She had hoped for a romantic getaway. God knows why or how…this started out as a  boys’ booze run…Audrey only went along to curtail it. She complains she had to go to the galleries on her own as Bill was too hungover from playing cards all night. Bill admits he’s not into galleries. She says Bill made it painfully obvious she was unwanted.

After ringing Natasha, Audrey wants to talk. Bill offers to make it up to her, but Audrey has seen the light; her and Bill have nothing in common. He likes pub crawls and greyhound races. She likes books and radio. She thinks they’re settling by staying together. She wants time to think and asks him to move out to Kev’s for a while. Bill is crestfallen.

Woozamail

Doz (expressing some reservation) and David pop open a few of Tina’s woozamails to Matt. They are pretty harmless. One says: “Doz is okay, even though he’s thick.” They decide to open one more. “Things are great with David, he’s well cool.” Curious, David reads further. “David’s a right laugh, you’d really like him…” David is reluctant to share the next bit with Darryl: “I wish he was more spontaneous.” Hmmmmm

That evening, Tina comes home as Ted is going out; with a female friend, although Tina asks hopefully if it’s a boyfriend. Out of the blue, David offers to take Tina out for dinner. Or perhaps a film. She is knackered, however, and crashes on the couch.

Gail pops out for a drink with Sally. Don Juan de Platt has decided to show his beloved that he is spontaneous and romantic. He has laid a trail of rose petals leading up to a romantic bath that will contain his cheesy-whatsit self. Gail, returning home from her drink, cleans up a few rose petals before David races down the stairs, explaining the plan. Gail beams proudly. Wow. I think I was 37 before my mother became a cheerleader for my sex life. Gail goes back to the pub. Tina wakes up; David feels silly explaining, but she reassures him it’s a cool idea. They head upstairs.

Nina Banana

Norris sees Dev and Nina returning in Nina’s car and makes excuses to go outdoors and eavesdrop. Amber is outside the shop and greets the pair with: “Oh blimey, she’s aged since lunch.” Amber wants to know what happened to the other woman. She is, in fact, unusually rude but Nina graciously excuses her. I’m somewhat unclear as to whether a car tour or some smack’n'tickle has just occurred.

Norris goes back inside and informs Rita that Nina Ullnnyana is outside. “Nina Banana? What kind of name is that?” Rita wants to know. Norris claims he recognized the film star as he is of course, suddenly an aficionado of Asian films.

Be My Bunny

Clarissa flounces into the Kabin, wanting the biggest, soppiest greeting card in the place. Rita offers an enormous leftover Valentine which states: “Be My Bunny” for $4.99. Clarissa changes her mind and chooses a blank 75p card instead.

Clarissa rushes back to the Rovers, and Liz has the champagne ready. She orders Liz to pop the cork upon Harry’s entrance. Liz does so, spraying Clarissa’s cleavage and making her squawk. Harry, however, didn’t make it to the solicitors, claiming a bookie emergency at the other shop. “All the horses dropped down dead, did they?” Clarissa wants to know before dashing out the back.

Harry finds her outside having a fag. They talk and she bursts into tears of disappointment. Harry hugs her and reassures her he wants to stay married; Liz comes out just in time to witness the embrace.

Grillin’

Gerry is mowing the lawn when Teresa suggest a barbecue. Apparently they used to have some rockin’ barbecues. 

Sure enough, it’s rained later and Jerry has a huge tarp over the yard. The Mortons have a contest – who can create the weirdest kebab. Jerry tries to point out some flats in the paper…but Teresa and the kids are having too much fun. 

"Honest-leh! I look nothing like her!"

This Has Turned Out Horrib-leh!!

It is raining cats and dogs as the road-trippers drive back from Calais, but the real black cloud is Au-dreh, who has been in a sour mood all weekend. I’m not the greatest Janice fan in the world, but at least she knows how to have a laugh. She is yukking it up as she relives having told the supermarket bloke (or bloque, we are in France) that Audrey was Camilla Parker Bowles coming in for fags. Bwah!! Before they have gone too far, the van gets a flat tire. They are rescued by French-CAA, and the happy wanderers pass their time at a rest station. Audrey and Bill duck inside for a bite, and Audrey’s sulk deepens as Bill fails to sympathize that her delicate sensibilities have been upended by Janice’s coarseness on the road trip.

Bill tells Audrey that she needs to turn her frown upside-down, and goes outdoors for a beer with Roger and Jan, who are guarding the booze cache. They toast Audrey through the window. Once they are ready to be on their way, Audrey says that Bill’s one beer has rendered him a dangerous driver (not to be too, too snide…I support her point, to a point) and she decides that the remaining miles must be driven by her. Not overly intimate with standard, she grinds Bill’s gears a bit while her passengers hoot.

The chatter in the car continues, and Janice mentions a film she’s purchased which featured Edith Piaf…whose unusual warble Janice, Bill and Roger eagerly imitate. Audrey is annoyed as the impromptu Piffy concert has caused Bill to miss indicating their turn. The civility unravels quickly, with Janice accusing Audrey of being a snob, Audrey accusing Janice of being mother to a tart, and various other insults. As Audrey becomes engrossed in the bickering, she faces ’round, and sure enough, loses control and the van goes bounding into the bushes.

He’s Just Not That Into You

Nuthin' says luvin' like...

Despite a summer downpour, the morning finds Dev in a cheery mood. This makes Amber immediately suspicious and flinchy, until her nickel drops and she figures out there’s a lady in the picture. Sure enough, Lisa drives up, for a lunch date with Dev. Smiling cordially, Dev escorts Lisa on foot to the Rovers for a hot pot. This is clearly not what Lisa has in mind but she’s too polite to say so.

At the pub, they make more vapid, pointless small talk, which Dev steers around to Nina. Lisa declines the local hot pot as she’s a vegetarian. Dev offers to accommodate with a cheese sandwich, but this offer, combined with the entrance and inclusion of Norris and Emily, send Lisa a clear message that He’s Just Not That Into Her. She cuts the lunch date short and says adieu. Having accomplished this blow-off with flair, Dev settles happily into his own hot-pot.

As Dev lolls outside the Rovers, having, apparently, nothing better to do, Nina purrs up in her Jag, with a lovely satsuma-orange scarf on her head. She offers to ease Dev’s apparent pain over the loss of Lisa. With a little encouragement, he joins her and off they drive. Whether or not this little romance is a good idea…I am delighted to see an older, voluptuous woman being an object of passion. Kudos, guys.

Clarissa swans into the Rovers, trades more tired nip-n-tuck jibes with Liz and orders champagne on ice for her and Harry for later. I’m assuming the only reason for this character’s Lauren-like simpering and face-sucking is to incur our sympathy for Liz. Who banged the drayman. On Vern. For fun. We Calabrese have long memories.

TinaMcIntyre@woozamail.com

I tried it…it’s fake…don’t bother.

David is in obvious turmoil over Tina’s secret online activities. He inadvertently wakes Doz by banging a ball against the shed and they have a wee chat about it. David spends the rest of the day attempting to log into Tina’s e-mail whenever she’s out of the room. Finally, in the late afternoon, he cracks her password, just as Doz comes over. It appears that Tina has, indeed, been exchanging many e-mails with her ex, Matt. Darryl tells David not to worry; if Tina was seeing someone else, she’d just be straight-up about it. If that were true, it would make Tina just about the most refreshing person around these days.

C’est toute!

I think if Dev is going to have an affair with a Bollywood star, we could at least get some dance numbers like this.

Bollywood Love Affair

Outside his shop, Dev is being teased by Harry about his meeting his teenage crush and likens it to meeting Raquel Welch. Uncomfortable after being propositioned by Bollywood’s answer to Raquel Welch last night, Dev is not in the mood to talk about it.

Later Prem comes into the shop with some flooring samples (for the new flat, I think) but realises that he left the best ones at the store. He also asks Dev what he thought of Lisa and tells him that Lisa is interested. He offers her card, in case he needs “financial advice” and by “financial advice”, he means “sexytime”.

So later Nina comes by with the missing samples as she claims Prem was called to the warehouse. She asks Dev if he has considered her offer but a customer comes in before he can answer. When he ushers her out, he stutters and stammers that an affair would be a bad, bad idea despite how hard she’s pressing him for it. Before things can go further yet another customer comes in and things are interrupted. But the temptress grabs an apple on the way out without paying for it. So I guess they’re going for an Old Testament theme here.

Later, Dev goes on an awkward date with Lisa and afterward, calls Nina to turn her down. So Nina takes that as a yes and comes by the shop late at night. Finally, Dev is unable to resist her charms or her lovely accent and they start kissing.

Pretty sure Prem is well aware that Nina is a free agent.

20% Off

Business is slow at Kevin’s garage and he soon finds out why: Streetcars, along with some other regulars, have booked with Premium Motors at 20% the going rate, which Lloyd didn’t bother to price shop with Kevin.

Our hero heads over to the fancy schmancy garage where he finds Jimmy Dockerson, Tony’s moustache-twirling friend from a few weeks back. He puts two and two together and heads back to Underworld where he confronts Tony again, only this time, Tony doesn’t exactly deny that he’s intentionally bleeding business away from Kevin. 

“You win this round, Gordon!” Kevin might as well be saying. “But I haven’t finished with you yet!”

Later, because he knows that Rosie likes credit cards and flattery, Tony gives Rosie both, along with a cock n’ bull story about how he was once like Kevin and all this is necessary to make Kevin the successful businessman he knows he can be. All he has to do is destory his life’s work. Rosie thinks this is perfectly reasonable and, oooh my own company credit card!

In Other News

Fiz and Stape – not as cold as you’d expect.

Harry, Clarissa, and Liz…sorry, what is the point of this again?

UK Time Friday August 1st 2008 – Episode I

Don't YOU want a piece of this?

So, I guess the writers are really trying to get me to care about the whole Clarissa/Harry story line but it isn’t really working. I came to like Harry but this is just poorly done.

Anyway, the show opens with Harry and Clarissa in the car. Harry wants to apologize to Liz but Clarissa doesn’t want to. Moreover, Clarissa doesn’t want Harry going in there however he makes it known that he has no intention of heading to a bar across town (or over the road to the Weatherfield Arms) for a drink because of Clarissa.

Later, Harry manages to get Clarissa into the Rovers to apologize to Liz for her childish behaviour. It was clear that she didn’t mean it. Of course she and Liz do a good job of slagging each other off.

Harry and Clarissa decide to stay for a drink or two while Liz and Deirdre discuss the obvious atmosphere. Liz is really trying to get her own back on Clarissa. As the pair leave the pub Liz and Clarissa fire off some shots at each other before they head out the door. I don’t know how long this is going to last for.

When I look at the foursome heading to France I can’t help thinking that one of these things are doing its own think, while three of these things are kind of the same. Early in the day, Janice was at the salon getting her hair did. Audrey discovers that she and Bill will be kickin’ it in the same hotel as Janice and Roger. In all honesty, I wouldn’t want to go on vacation with Janice ether.

Later, Roger, Bill, Audrey and Janice load into the car. Audrey packed as much as she could for the two-night journey. Janice commented that due to Audrey’s luggage they would have to leave back four boxes of wine. Audrey made a quip about Janice being partial to lager. Janice responded commenting on Audrey’s taste for “Mother’s ruin.” I loved it.

Once they were all loaded into the car Janice cracks a can of Newton and Ridley. One for the road.

Now, on to the spice. After months of our pathetic Dev Watch updates we finally get something juicy for our street Casanova.

Dev is on cloud nine a bit because he met the woman of his adolescent dreams. I imagine that he’d feel the way I would should I meet Eric Shultz of Some Kind of Wonderful.

Later on, Prem shows up at the shop so that he and Dev can talk about how rich he is. In the pub they discuss the creation of an Asian Business Alliance. Dev thinks this is a good idea. Then Prem’s wife, Nina, calls. She would like to invite Dev to dinner. I bet she’d make a tasty dish for him. Dev accepts the invitation.

Dev arrives at Kanye’s Prem’s house. He steps into the gilded palace and is introduced to Lisa, Prem’s accountant. The three of them discuss how rich Prem is before dinner is served by the Bollywood Goddess Prem is marred to.

They have a great dinner discussing how rich Prem is and finally Dev and Nina end up alone clearing the table. Then Nina throws down. She basically says, “If you wanna tap this, drop a dime.” Whaaaaaaaat!

In Other News

Becky tries to convince Michelle to go back to Steve. Michelle later sees Steve talking to his daughter in his living room, in his house, which is in his pub. Michelle tells Steve to go up to read Amy a story for bed then leave his house which is in his pub that he owns where Michelle has lived for about 15 minutes.

Kevin is kind of broke right now. I wonder how that happened.