Corrie Canuck

Many apologies for the tardiness of this post. Mr. Pink Lady and I were off celebrating US Thanksgiving with a turducken and turkey dinner. We’ve just now woken up from the turkey-induced slumber. Anyhoo, on to the update.

Carla now knows the truth, which is that Tony had her Liam killed. However, it wasn’t easy for Tony to make these plans (apparently).  Carla calls Tony cold blooded.  Au contraire, Tony insists he was boiling and wanted his unconditional love reciprocated.  I can’t tell you how often Mr. Pink Lady and I have axed someone to keep the love going.  Tony reminds us that he came from nothing and is a self-made man.  This brings me back to a prior quote from Mr. Gordon:  “I am the director of 3 companies.  Lunch comes to me.  No grease, no grime.”  Well, well, well.  It seems that while offing Liam seemed to be the only option for Tony, Carla had already ended it with Liam because she is an honourable woman who loves Tony she found out that Maria had a little bun in the oven.

BC has a new meaning:  Before Carla.  BC, Tony was happy and confident, now AC he is insecure and paranoid.  After all, Tony had Liam killed for them, for their relationship.  So they can just erase the slate, right?  Wrong.  Carla says she will punish herself forever.  Tony offers to confess his actions to Weatherfield’s finest so long as Carla waits until he sees the light of day again.  Carla is not promising this so Tony asks Carla to end his misery and stab him with scissors.  With that, there is loud knocking at the door.  Carla is relieved, and Tony has to open the door.  It is pre-natal Wiki who is drenched with rain and telling them that she must return to Poland to tend to her ill mother.  They will hold her job for as long as necessary.  Exit Wiki.

Tony relocks the door and Carla holds Tony and says she had no clue what she had done to him.  With that, Carla knees Tony in the groin, unlocks the door and flees.  Carla gets into her car and Tony throws himself onto her windscreen pleading with her to not leave him.  She guns the gas, takes off to have her baby into the night (what are they putting in the wine and pints at the Rovers?) and Tony is thrown to the ground with Maria watching.

On to the baked portion of the episode.  Steve and Lloyd begin to argue over the status of macaroons:  cake or biscuit?I think we now know why Steve is single and Lloyd can only bag an elderly MILF.  The debate continues in the Rovers.  Personally, I think a macaroon is a cookie:  chewier than a cake and softer than a British biscuit.  The great authority called Wikipedia seems to agree with me.

Lloyd decides to take his mate Steve out for a night on the town (i.e., singles’ bar).  You know it’s gonna be a swinging night when the first bloke they meet is Bill Webster and then they are met by Liz.   Oh, and the great macaroon debate surfaces at the bar.  Oy vey!   Remind me to not invite them to my next party.

And in a final bit of social awkwardness, Mary (Norris’ bird) arrives at the Rovers to celebrate:  she is there to give Norris his share of the profits from renting the caravan.  Mary says she’ d like to take her mother on a Baltic cruise with her share and suggests that perhaps Norris may join them.  Norris is far too busy at the Kabin and mocks people who take cruises.  Rita shoots Norris a look, which goes over his head and Mary is clearly disappointed and leaves.  Honey, he just did you a huge favour.

Does This Mean I’m Sleeping On The Couch?

“Privacy,” Tony smoothly explains when Carla asks why he has locked them both inside Underworld. “There’s no need to lock us in,” Carla tells him. Tony explains that he’s locking “them” out, meaning the factory girls.

“You,” Tony accuses, “have been asking questions.”

“I have an inquisitive nature,” Carla counters smoothly. Tony says that he is her husband, and if she wants to know anything, she’s to ask him. He further says he senses she is scared of him, and asks why. “I’m not,” Carla says. And she has a million questions to ask him.

“Twenty questions, your turn,” opens Tony. Carla wants to know if he bullied Jed Stone into intensive care. Tony is still being smoothy-oozy and lying. He says he doesn’t know why she’s worrying her pretty little head about Jed. Carla takes umbrage at this; not only that but she flatly disbelieves Tony’s version of Jed Stone’s “attempted suicide”. Tony says Stone is nobody. Carla says that can’t be – Tony has chucked a flat at him…he’s a VIP. She says Tony deserves an Oscar for his liar’s performance. She then gets to the core of her agenda: if Tony lied about Jed, then perhaps he lied about something big…the biggest of all…and maybe poor Maria is not deluded after all.

Carla and Tony have made a cup of tea. The subject is now Liam.  “I know you were jealous of him,” Carla begins. “Even though he was just a jumped-up market boy, and here you are with your platinum credit card.”

“I did not feel threatened by that pasty no-mark,” Tony becomes defensive and his cool starts to slip.

“Oh not now, of course, now that he’s out of the way,” Carla notices Tony seems rattled. She doesn’t buy that the best-man request was genuine – she thinks it’s a case of keeping one’s friends close and one’s enemies closer.

“Me and Liam,” Carla warms to her subject, “You knew it weren’t over. It’ll never be over. I’ll always have feelings for him, especially now he’s dead. See what you’ve done – you  made me love him even more.”

Tony paces menacingly behind Carla. “Of course I knew. I’m not a fool, I’m not blind.”

“So you killed him.”

“I accepted it. Maybe I’m a mug, but I thought it’d fizzle out.”

“I loved him Tony. I loved him more than I’ve ever loved you. He tasted better, he walked better, talked better, he was better in bed than you.”

“I knew it would be about sex,” he says. “So, was it love, or lust? Get your stories straight.”

“You didn’t do it yourself, did you? Did you have a word in Jimmy’s ear?” Carla presses on.

Tony has begun to cry though his facial mask doesn’t change. He stalks away.

Carla goes after Tony, saying Liam was the love of her life, but Tony counters she just loved the subterfuge. “We even had subterfuge in my wedding dress,” Carla continues prodding and goading Tony toward her end game. “It were great.” She says that when she does it with Tony, she has to pretend he’s Liam.

“You’re making me sick!” Tony roars. “I’ll never be rid of him! He’s everywhere!”

There is some sort of cooling off period, after which Carla finds Tony sitting on the stairs leading up to the second floor. Carla says she is sorry. Sorry for bringing Liam up all the time. She says she’s not surprised Tony is upset. Tony remarks that Liam was the third person in their marriage…Camilla Parker-Bowles had nothing on Liam. Carla says as hard as it is, she needs to ask one or two more things. Having roughed up Tony, she has now switched to sweet and seductive. She says what she felt for Liam was just lust, and that she loves Tony. And that means she will forgive Tony anything. The wondering about Liam’s death is killing her. Tony says he wouldn’t harm a hair on Carla’s head. Carla asks if making Liam best man and all of Tony’s concern for Liam and Maria was an act…all lies. She pleads with him to tell the truth…“Sorry,” he finally manages, “I can’t lie any more. I killed him.” Tony confesses. “But I did it for you.”

Does This Mean I Can Call You Dad?

Steve shleps into the cab office, where Lloyd says he is writing down a cab address for him to pick up a fare. He has actually written ’sorry’ on a piece of paper. He says he’s no good at saying it. He says that he is not casual about Liz, even though he may not know where things are going. He asks why Steve should deny his mother happiness…and that he, Lloyd, is a reasonable bloke, if he does say so himself. Steve agrees to have a few pints.

Steve and Lloyd are in the Rovers. Lloyd has an aside with Liz, who is pleased they seem to be getting along again. Lloyd tells her he is taking Steve out on the lash to forget Becky.  The destination is a pickup bar called Fighting Cocks. Liz notes it’s a bit of a meat market (ya think????) but Lloyd assures her it’s for Steve’s sake.

So, Only Campfires Have To Be Hot and Bright At The Same Time.

In the Rovers, the gang is having a drink to celebrate their release from the factory, when Wicki gets a phonecall. Kelly figures the Gordons are having matrimonial domesticals.

Wicki is upset by the phonecall; apparently her mother has been taken ill.

“Where, in Poland?” Fiz wants to know. “No, the land of green ginger,” Wicki is unusually sarcastic, but then says, “Yes, Poland”. And with that she says her goodbyes and goes off to have her baby see her mother.

Julie wanders over to the bar, where Eileen and Janice are having a drink. Blance and Ted are on hand, too. Julie says she can see where Jason got his good looks; he’s like that bloke out of Wuthering Heights. Janice wants to offer the name of the singer who penned a tune by same name: “Kate Nash,” she brays.

“Bush,” Ted corrects her. Julie continues on about Jason, saying he’s swarthy and rugged.

“So how’s your mom?” Eileen asks.

“Dead,” replies Blanche. Apparently Eileen means Julie. Julie’s says her mom is fine; but is somewhat evasive about why her mom hasn’t called Eileen yet.

If You Have No Cake, I Have No Time For You.

Anna Windass ambushes Gail outside the medical centre on her break. She’s earned her drivers’ license and wants to have a little drive and a chat about Gary and David.

Anna and Gail park outside the jail of all places. Anna sees the visitors leaving and says she doesn’t know how she’ll get on if Gary is sent down. Gail gently reminds Anna that the issue is not her problem; she backs Tina and David. The conversation is a short one; Gail loses patience, leaves the car and hops a cab. Anna pleads with her not to go.

Len finds Anna sitting in the bus shelter in the pouring rain; she tells him the meeting with Gail went poorly. Just then, Tina and David walk by, Len follows them, taunting and yapping, not unlike his jackal nephew.

Original broadcast date: February 4, 2009

Tony is telling Carla not to worry about Jed Stone, still giving her the story that the marks on his neck were from a botched suicide attempt. After all, he can’t be on 24 hour suicide watch, now can he?

When the two arrive at Underworld, Kevin is there, with Tyrone, to gloat about how one of his old customers is coming back and that his bullying has failed.

“You’re right. I’ve failed,” he replies. “Failed to help you grow your business. Failed to help you realise you could ever be anything more than a low rent grease monkey grubbing around under clapped out cars. If only I could sleep at night.”

Later, Carla comes into the garage to ask the guys about the business. She finds out from Kevin and Tyrone that, not only was Tony undercutting his business, but he arranged to have their tow-truck stolen. Carla is surprised to hear this but also adds that Tony is no longer interested in buying out Kevin’s business to expand Underworld. Awkward high-fives all around.

I was wondering what happened with that. Rita, I think, turned down Tony’s offer and now he’s officially done with this expansion business. I mean, it’s pretty clear Kevin wasn’t going anywhere, nor Rita, or that the show was about to see half its set turned into an expanded factory. Still, it’s nice to get resolution on that. It’s also always interesting to see how the show manages to keep the principal cast living and working on the same street.

Carla then goes to see Leanne at the bookie’s but she’s swamped with work so she promises to meet up with her later. Back at the factory, Carla tells Tony she’s off to see a competitor. Tony tries to press the issue but he forced to deal with the issue of an errant frisbee.

As Carla speeds off, Leanne arrives, just having missed her. Tony is all, “What’d she want to see you for?” and Leanne is all, “Mind your own beeswax, you friggin’ frigger!”. But a quick call to said competitor reveals that Carla is not seeing him after all.

Instead, Carla is seeing murderer-for-hire Jimmy Dockerson to ask, “Hey what’s up with Jed?” Jimmy is all, “What? Jed? He’s just…what? No.”

Carla asks what he’s afraid of but Jimmy says he’s not afraid of anything. Then he calls Tony, “Holyshitmanshe’sontous!“

“Don’t worry,” Tony says. “I’ll sort this oot.”

Which he does by shooing the workers out of the factory and turning out the lights. When Carla arrives, she finds Tony lurking in the shadows and she asks him what the hell is going on? He tells that he was about ask her the same thing.

Say it With Fairy Cakes

Anna is slapping Eddie upside of the head over the fight between the Platts and them, as well as the darts league scam, and demands that he make amends by getting… The Book!

“The Book! Of course!” he exclaims and quickly fetches a battered old notebook. The Book in question was his mother’s handmade recipe book. As it turns out, Eddie is an excellent baker and they discuss which item would be the best for apologizing. Gary suggests flapjacks because he’s thick.

Anyway, it’s fairy cakes that he ends up making (I think) and he heads over to the Platts and gives them to Tina and David as a peace-offering. Tina agrees they are delicious but David snarfs that he’s had better, even as he takes the entire tin for himself.

It’s not clear if they worked, however, as Tina still tells Gary that the fight wouldn’t have gone so far if he hadn’t goaded David on, even if David threw the first punch. But she also tells Gary to thank Eddie and Anna for the lovely cakes.

So, would you eat anything baked by Eddie Windass? He just seems a little hygiene-adverse. I can just imagine I’d be pulling stray, greasy hairs and cigarette ash out of my Eccles cake.

Speaking of sweets, don’t forget to enter the Quality Street contest over at the CBC website.

In Other News

Eileen tells Rita to be careful around her dad, as he’s not the most dependable sort but then she figures Rita knows a thing or two about men and lets it go.

Becky and Steve are fighting over her relationship with Jason, calling him “thick as two planks”. Steve, on the other hand, spends his spare time devising equations for that big particle-accelerator thingy what’s over in Switzerland. Becky says she’s more than happy to be with Jason. She’s euphoric.

“Ooh, that’s a big word for a small girl,” Steve says.

“Yeah,” she replies. “Well, you don’t work next to Roy Cropper for a year and learn nothin’.”

Janice asks Ken about getting her GCSE’s. (It’s your high school education, basically). After a bit of back and forth over which ones she should take, Ken suggests that perhaps a nursing degree is a bit ambitious for her. Perhaps she could look into being a care-provider assistant, which he thinks would be equally rewarding.

Janice takes offense, thinking he considers her too thick to do it. Well, she saw Educating Rita and she says he thinks everyone’s stuck in their little grooves. Or maybe he’s bitter that his novel never got finished and he spends his days pretending to be a widower on some actress lady’s canal boat. Janice storms out, say that she thought Ken would have believed in her. Hopefully, she won’t give up in her quest.

Ken could have handled this better by, maybe, pressing upon Janice how big a commitment of time and money this was, just to ensure that she was serious. But the way he didn’t protest when she took offense suggests he just couldn’t be bothered with her.

Because Ken’s kind of a jerk that way.

Janice, after having her road to Damascus moment, continues with her plan to become a nurse. Her colleagues express a healthy dose of skepticism to this plan. Vicky sums up their feelings by telling Janice to stop talking about it and just do it.

David returns home from the hospital to the gentle administrations of Gail and Tina. The Romeo and Juliet of the street make sure they have their stories about who started the fight straight.

Ken continues his flirtation with his potential new bit on the side. They talk over lunch about an article by Bernard Levin that deals with the importance of drinking beer out of a glass, rather than straight out of the bottle, in order to properly experience the taste. Ken, sounding quite profoundly pretentious, apologizes for being recondite. (dealing with profound, difficult or abtruse subject matter – like forgetting to mention you are still married) Martha, doing her best Blanche DuBois, tells Ken that she wants magic, not reality.

Sophie and her friend Shannon run into Rosie and Sal on the street. It turns out that a boy named Ben has caught the eye of Sophie, and he has asked her and Shannon to come to a church youth group activity. Rosie thinks this makes him a dweeb. Sal thinks this makes him a nice boy. Sophie is unsure which of the terms is more pejorative.

Mother Windass calls the police station to find out what is happening with young Gary, but to no avail. Eddie sits and flights his arrows, since there is nothing else for him to do. Anna tells him to shift it and get ready. When they all return from the court, Gary and Uncle Len go for chips and have a chat about what really happened between gary and David. Back at the house things get a bit heated regarding guilt and innocence, and they have a bit of family argy-bargy about deciding whose fault it is that Gary is in the trouble that he is.

Carla is trying on scarves at home, which of course makes her wonder about the supposed strangulation of Jed Stone. At work later Carla tells Rosie (who looks almost respectable for a change) that she has to pop out to see a client. It turns out the ‘client’ is actually Maria, and Carla wants to talk to her in order to ‘bury the hatchet’, and find out what Maria knew about the Jed Stone affair. They make a bit of progress on the topic of the nonmurder of Jed, and the possible murder of Liam, before they share an awkward farewell. Carla then goes to The Rovers and is bitchier than usual towards the serving staff, before having a chat with Leanne.

Later, back at the flat, Tony shows up and is given the cold shoulder/cheek by his darling wife. He wants to know why she has been out of contact all day. Carla tells Tony that she had a visit with Jed Stone, that she saw the marks on his neck, and wants to know what really happened. Tony, darkly lit, gives his wife an ominous glare.

Original air date:  January 30, 2009

Windass hands David his ass.

We start tonight’s episode where we left off on Wednesday.  David is laying in a bloody pulp on the cobbles in front of his mam’s house.  Upon returning from a lovely picnic lunch, Rita and Colin hear David sobbing like the baby he is and Colin calls 999.  Gary lifts David off the ground and tries to hit him again, but this is too much even for the Windass parents they pull Gary off of David.  David exclaims “You’ve messed up this time Windass!  I’ll get you for this!”  Gail and Joe arrive at the scene and David insists that Gary threw the first punch, all the while Gary insists that David started it.  Gail decides that this is a moment to protect her brood and orders Gary to stay away.  Because a rabid Gail is one’s best defence.  David is taken to the ‘ospital in an ambulance while Gary remains in Coronation Street. 

The Windasses are concerned that Gary could be put away for this offence since he has a suspended sentence.  With that, one of Weatherfield’s finest arrive at the door and Gary is escorted by the fuzz to the coldest interrogation room on the planet.   Meanwhile, David is also being interviewed by a copper and assures her that Gary started it all.  Tina returns from the tea run and David tells her she must tell the cop that Gary hit him first.  Tina, the savvy girl that she is, points out that David threw the first punch.  Using some emotional blackmail (a la Gail), David gets Tina to back him up.

Having put in a solid 45 minutes at the hospital, Gail and Joe are back on the street for some much needed rest.  Before they decide to head back to check on poor little David, they have a run-in with the Windasses.  Gail calls Gary a mindless thug and a brute and she feels sorry for them.  Meanwhile Joe, acting like a mindless thug and brute, threatens the entire Windass family.  

While Tina backs up David to the cops, David is twitchy and Gail pick up on this.  She is now wondering if perhaps he has embellished this story and assures him that he will be found out if this is the case.  Tina assures Gail that David speaks only truths. 

Pub crawl for truth

Carla scares the living daylights out of Jed at his flat and takes him to the pub for some lunch and a chat, much to his resistance.  She explains that she feels very badly for the misunderstanding between Jed and Tony (who is away on business).  As they drink, eat and drink some more, the sun sets and night falls.  Jed is in his cups, but still careful of what not to say.  But he forgets about his scarf and Carla sees marks on his neck.  When she points this out to Jed, he becomes scared and tries to flee.  Jed tells Carla to leave him alone and Carla cries out “Did my husband try to strangle you?” 

Suddenly I See…

Janice is still realing from Mike’s death in the parking lot of the ‘ospital.  Janice is crying on Leanne’s shoulder and later is paid a visit by Emily.  Mike widow (yep, that’s right Janice, he was married), is grateful to Janice that her husband did not die alone and has a card and flowers for her.  With this, Janice gets teary and Emily offers to buy her a round (2 sherries, make that 1 sherry and something else).  When Leanne joins Janice in the pub, Janice is feeling better about the situation and herself.  Janice has had an epiphany:  she should have been a nurse, and you know what?  It’s not too late for her to do this!  Perhaps Janice will be certified by the next time David gets his ass handed to him.  Is there a weekend nursing course available in Weatherfield?

In other news:

Norris and Mary have won a caravan and plan to rent it out during school holidays (at a premium rate).

Ken is back on the boat with Martha and makes me feel like I need a shower really badly.  Forgetting about Simon seems to be a hereditary trait.

"Your potato...my leek..."

Rosie starts her day in the Cafe as classical music plays. “What is this rubbish anyway?” she asks Ken. “Elgar,” he replies. “Wot does the “L” stand for?” Rosie wants to know “Loser?” On the way out she runs into Gary and they have a nasty little exchange about dissing each other.

Tony and Carla pull up at Underworld as Maria is walking by.  “And they say there is no life after death!” he taunts her. Later, Tony and Carla chat in the office at the factory. Tony is off to Aberdeen in January, he tells Carla. Maria turns up then, claiming she’s not there to cause trouble, but to apologize. She says she shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions. Carla is not too eager to hear, but Tony is tolerant. Maria points out to Carla that she had many reasons for putting two and two together…including Tony’s boarding up of Jed’s house while he was in hospital and lying to Jason to get him to do it. Tony points out that he gave Jed a new flat and called the hospital.

“I was wrong about Jed,” Maria says. “And Liam?” Tony asks. “I don’t know,” she tells him as she leaves. Carla looks increasingly suspicious the more she learns. She asks Tony why he never told her what he’d done to Jed…boarding up the house and lying about his move. Tony says he wasn’t proud of it. Carla remarks that she saw Jed enter the cab as Tony was shouting at him the previous evening, and he looked scared. Tony says he was worried about the cat.

Who else LOVES Sonny Jim??

Carla pays a visit to Emily. Emily courteously invites her in and then stands awkwardly with her in the dining room, trying to determine what Carla wants exactly. They make some painful small talk. What Carla does want, is information…about the nature of Jed’s departure and reappearance. Emily says that Jed disappeared so suddenly. Emily also suggests that Jed’s stroke was brought on by pressure that “certain people” put on him. Carla reads between the lines.

Janice is on her break at the hospital and finds her smoking buddy, Mike, outside. They chat pleasantly; he says he’s soon to be released and has to knock the butts on the head. As Janice and Mike prepare to go back in, Mike stands, becomes dizzy then collapses on the pavement, clutching his chest in pain. Janice shouts for help. He tells her she has a voice like a flaming foghorn. Janice waits in the waiting room as doctors work on Mike. A nurse comes out to share the sad news that Mike has died. He had a heart-valve replacement the week before and had a clot on his lung. Janice is devastated.

Norris has  lunch at the bar in the Rovers’, lost in thought. He rather indelicately grills Liz about Lloyd. The topic is the age difference. Liz is annoyed at first, thinking he’s being a nosy-parker, but she quickly deduces he’s really asking about Mary. She tells him to “go for it”. Norris jibbers and flutters a bit, but Liz just grins.

Colin, Eileen’s dad, comes into the Kabin, with a big picnic cooler. He says he has sausage rolls, scotch eggs and wine. The picnic location is to be Rita’s flat, and Norris can’t resist a few snipes. After the picnickers leave, he almost rings Mary on his cel.

Ken ambles by Martha’s houseboat…I half-expected him to chuck Eckles in the canal again…it appears no one is home, but Martha returns then, carrying a bag out of which sticks a baguette. She is stylishly dressed in the same shearling coat she was wearing when we met her. Her wardrobe is giving me hope that I am not doomed to Sears fleecewear for the next decade. She invites him aboard.

“I didn’t mean to stay for lunch,” Ken tells her as they linger over mismatched mugs of tea. He’s having a rollicking time listening to soothing music and eating yummy home-made food. He picks up a script for A Streetcar Named Desire. Martha confesses she is playing in the production. Ken is enchanted. They exchange some compliments. She asks if he would test her on her lines.

Gary is in the Rovers’ as Jason wanders in. He asks if David is still giving Gary grief. Gary says he’d punch him out but he’s on probation. Jason ends up spilling aaaaallllllll the gory details of David’s past. To the guy that stole his copper pipes.

Gary has decided to spend the afternoon tailing David around the neighbourhood. He starts heckling Davis, asking for ‘e’. He says that David only sells drugs to kids…and that is like suicide…like driving your car into the canal or something. Gary prattles on about Gail having a thing for psychos…and intimating that David harmed Gail. David reaches home and tries to slam the door. Gary follows David home and wedges his foot in the door. He says David is too scared to face him, that David is a freak and no wonder his dad wants nothing to do with him. David has been pushed too far. He smacks Gary in the face, (handy for the parolee) and they trade blows. Gary lands the last and best, and David crumples beside the garage.

I’ve been reading up just who this Stephanie Beecham is. I knew she was on Dynasty and The Colbys but I wondered what else I’d seen her in. Her Wikipedia page reads like a graveyard of forgotten TV series. The Colbys was a short-lived spin-off of Dynasty. When that got cancelled, they moved her to Dynasty which got cancelled a year later. Here are some other career highlights:

• Sister Kate (1989 – 1990)
• Lucky Chances (1990)
• Beverly Hills, 90210 (occasional – 1991 – 1998)
• seaQuest DSV (1993 – 1994)
• No Bananas (1996)
• Charmed (1 episode – 2000)
• Relative Values (2000)
• The Witches Hammer (2006)
• Love and Other Disasters (2006)

She also appeared in that episode of Star Trek the Next Generation where she played  a holographic love interest to the holographic Professor Moriarty of the Sherlock Holmes stories (don’t ask).

In the future, we will all live in fancy Victorian drawing rooms and have lasers make our chairs.

The episode aired during the show’s sixth season and a year later, Star Trek The Next Generation was cancelled. Coincidence?

I’m sure the woman is a talented actress and all but let’s just hope Corrie survives her guest spot.

Kirsty MacColl – Don’t Come the Cowboy with Me, Sonny Jim.

Original airdate: January 28, 2009

Maria tells Audrey that if she had gone through with her plan of driving over Tony, it would have been worth it if only tell the court what Tony did to Liam and Jed. Meanwhile, DC Taggart* is trying to get a statement out of Tony who seems reluctant to give it. She reminds Tony that without it, they can’t charge Maria with a crime. She wonders if something is going oon but Tony claims he doesn’t remember the incident.

*Ok I know her name is not Taggart but for some reason she puts me in mind of the Glaswegian police drama “Taggart” with its popular catchphrase: “THUR’S BIN A MUHRDUHR!“

Carla wonders why Tony won’t press charges against Maria but he claims it’s psychiatric help she needs, not prison.

DC Taggart later tells Maria that if Tony is unable to remember anything, the matter will go nae further but suggests that it may be a good idea to steer clear of Mr. and Mrs. Gordon.

Maria takes this all under advisement until she she sees Tony.

“What are you up to Tony?” she cries, “can’t risk me standing in court telling the world what a murderer you are?” So, keeping a low profile is out then.

Carla lunges at Maria but Tony holds her back. telling her he’ll sort it.

Later, Tony arrives in his car, with Jed Stone in the passenger seat. He tells Jed to remember what they discussed and, oh, keep your scarf so they won’t see where I strangled you to near-death. He then calls Fizz and asks her to bring Maria to the pub.

Jed, wearing nice new clothing, arrives at Emily’s at tells her that he’s been living in Wigan. Emily gives him his cap back, as well as Sunny Jim.

Meanwhile Tony has Carla, Maria, and Fizz in the Rovers and is trying to get them to stay when Jed and Emily arrive. Everyone is surprised to see Jed and even Rita had begun to wonder if the rumours were true.

“Here I am, large as life and twice as ugly!” Jed proclaims.

“Biggest comeback since Lazarus,” says a smiling Tony.

Maria is shocked.

“He told me that he’d killed you!” she says. Jed tells her that she got the wrong end of the stick and he and Tony worked out their differences. Maria accuses Tony of buying Jed off which, like all her accusations, is completely on the nose but she still comes off as unbalanced. She rushes out.

Meanwhile Jed tells Emily how his new place in Wigan shows how generous Tony really is, even if Wigan is far from Weatherfield. I once changed trains in Wigan. I remember it as … a town in the Northwest of England.  Here are some photos. Ah, the lush romance of British rail travel.

Back at her place, Maria is comfort-cleaning (like comfort-eating, but not as fun) telling Fizz how foolish she feels. Fizz tells her to put this business behind her and everyone will be happy to have the old Maria back.

Back at the Rovers Carla thinks the whole thing was odd as Tony never told her anything about Jed and this generosity is so unlike him.

Back in the pub, Carla still wants to know why Tony never told her anything about Jed, and such generosity is not like him. As he goes to the bathroom, he calls a cab to Wigan.

Outside, he rushes Jed and Sunny Jim into a cab and tells him if he sees him, or his cat, in Weatherfield again it’ll be the last thing he does.

“I don’t want to ever come back here!” says Jed, perhaps out of a sense of shame and anger that he allowed himself to be bought off.

“Good!” Tony says as he slams the taxi door. Unknown to him, Carla is behind him and has heard the whole conversation.

IN OTHER NEWS

David’s mad at Tina for believing Gary Windass over him about the copper pipe theft so he goes to Kevin to tell him that Gary’s been saying ungentlemanly things about Rosie so Kevin goes to Gary and tells him he’ll put Gary’s head through the Kabin window if he doesn’t step off.

Ted’s back and hanging out with Ken. Ken is being coy about the reason for his newfound positive outlook on life while Ted just continues to be awesome.

Janice is still doing community service and seems to have a love interest over there.

Blanche and Leanne are becoming fast friends.

Mary won a camper van in a contest she entered with Norris so you know what THAT means. No, I don’t either but it’s nice for them.

Welcome to Oldham, Home of the Tubular Bandage

Back on the Case

Maria, baby-bump visibly showing, is on the phone to Fiz. She wants to know when Tony will be at the office, because she wants a word.

Emily and Norris are in the Kabin, discussing “strap lines”. Norris means slogans; Emily means when her underwear is too tight (file this under visuals I never want to see). Norris praises the town of Oldham’s slogan: “Oldham, Home of the Tubular Bandage.” Emily apparently has had a tubular bandage in her bag since 1963. This conversation is cut short by Maria, on another paranoid quest to single-handedly bring Tony to justice. She says she’s been thinking about Emily’s comments regarding Jed. Maria urges Emily to call the police; Emily reassures her that she and Norris mulled it over but decided there was no evidence of foul play, so no call was made. She also says Jed has always been a free spirit, and simply left. She cautions Maria against loudly  maligning Tony to anyone within earshot.

Maria is sitting on the steps of Underworld; Kevin suggests she not sit on the cold step too long or she’ll get piles. Fiz stumbles out, rather surprised to see Maria sitting there. Maria is agitated, claiming Jed’s “death” is the “proof” she’s been waiting for. Fiz says she’s out of luck as Tony is at a trade show. Maria allows Fiz to escort her home.

Later, Emily checks in on Maria to see if she’s “alright”. Kirk is there, but takes off to go to the dentist. He thinks he’s cutting a wisdom tooth. Thank God for that. Emily begins to gently explain what she went through when she lost Ernest…leading up to suggesting again, that Maria is over-wrought and delusional. Maria says she can’t move on until she gets justice for Liam, whom she knows was murdered. Maria looks out the front window and sees Tony walking; she takes Emily up on her offer to make tea, and when Emily goes to the kitchen, runs out to Underworld, because she can not only do hair but outsmart stone cold killers.

Slightly earlier in the day, Fiz had come in to the office and awkwardly explained that Maria is still “wound up”. Tony thanks Fiz for the heads-up.

Maria enters Underworld, which is empty and quiet except for the radio. Tony is on the upper floor, and watches her enter. “Maria,” he says, “what can I do for you?” He ushers her into the office, and her eyes dart about nervously. She tells him, there’s no point lying any more. She knows he has murdered Jed Stone. Tony theatrically closes all the venetians and says, “that’s better. No prying eyes.” Maria assures him that people know she is there, and if anything happens to her…“What could possibly happen?” Tony asks impatiently and then answers her accusation: “Okay, fine. I killed him.” As Maria looks on horrified, Tony picks up a piece of lingerie and explains exactly how he strangled Jed, stuffed him in the knicker hamper and had the Christmas party. He describes how everyone was flailing and dancing while poor old Jed was barely cold. Nancy Drew has unfortunately forgotten her tape recorder.Oops.

Back of a Car?

Sophie is at the breakfast table, trying to explain some of her social trials and tribulations to Sally. Sally basically cuts her off and ignores her, banging on at Kevin for reading at the table. Rosie comes downstairs, shattered from drinking the night before. At that point, Kevin finds Rosie’s tabloid “spread” telling of her ordeal with Stape and containing photos of Rosie in racy garb, making her porn-star lips. “My biggest fear was that John Stape would make me a slave”, Kevin reads the headline with disgust, saying she’s made a mockery of the whole ordeal. Sally wants to know if Rosie got paid; she did. Rosie humpfs off back to bed.

Kevin has nipped home to put out the rubbish; out of the bag falls a pregnancy test. He calls Sally home and she wonders what the panic is. He shows Sally the test, and she says it isn’t hers. They both immediately assume Rosie is up the duff. They wonder if it’s Stape’s…or maybe Gary’s. Kevin goes to drag Rosie out of bed. Kevin asks Rosie point-blank why she’s feeling so rough. Rosie assumes he’s pissed because she’s hungover. Sally shows Rosie the pregnancy test. She denies it’s hers. “Must be!” Kevin asserts. “You do have two daughters,” Rosie reminds him. “It must be sweet little Sophie’s….how hilarious is that.”

Backed into a Corner?

Gail and Tina are in the Platt kitchen. Gail has decided to wash windows to keep busy because Joe is still being a dork. Tina says when Joe gets his head together, he’ll be back. He’s done this before, even to his ex-wife. Tina tells Gail that David is going to the police. Once Gail has gone outside, Tina rings Joe. Anna WIndass comes up as Gail is washing windows; she says Gail must be glad to see the tail end of Joe and he’s a bit of a bad lad. Gail retorts that it’s Gary and Len who stole the copper pipe. She says David is going to the police.

Tina shows up at Joe’s storage locker. He is sitting alone in the dark. Tina’s says she’s not leaving until Joe lets her in. He’s looking rough and unwashed. Tina explains that David is going to the police, so Joe is off the hook for the pipe robbery. He says he feels overwhelmed, and everything is on top of him. Tina says that Gail is worried, and she deserves better. Joe should be with his family. Tina finally urges him into his coat by saying that if Joe is staying, Tina is, too. I think Joe suffers from depression, myself.

In Other News

Ken and Deirdre chat as Ken works in the Cafe. Apparently Peter has gone on a bender while away, as confirmed by grandson Adam.

Eddie sits with Kirk and Bill, sorting out the darts team. With the addition of Kirk, they now have a full team.