Original air date:  January 30, 2009

Windass hands David his ass.

We start tonight’s episode where we left off on Wednesday.  David is laying in a bloody pulp on the cobbles in front of his mam’s house.  Upon returning from a lovely picnic lunch, Rita and Colin hear David sobbing like the baby he is and Colin calls 999.  Gary lifts David off the ground and tries to hit him again, but this is too much even for the Windass parents they pull Gary off of David.  David exclaims “You’ve messed up this time Windass!  I’ll get you for this!”  Gail and Joe arrive at the scene and David insists that Gary threw the first punch, all the while Gary insists that David started it.  Gail decides that this is a moment to protect her brood and orders Gary to stay away.  Because a rabid Gail is one’s best defence.  David is taken to the ‘ospital in an ambulance while Gary remains in Coronation Street. 

The Windasses are concerned that Gary could be put away for this offence since he has a suspended sentence.  With that, one of Weatherfield’s finest arrive at the door and Gary is escorted by the fuzz to the coldest interrogation room on the planet.   Meanwhile, David is also being interviewed by a copper and assures her that Gary started it all.  Tina returns from the tea run and David tells her she must tell the cop that Gary hit him first.  Tina, the savvy girl that she is, points out that David threw the first punch.  Using some emotional blackmail (a la Gail), David gets Tina to back him up.

Having put in a solid 45 minutes at the hospital, Gail and Joe are back on the street for some much needed rest.  Before they decide to head back to check on poor little David, they have a run-in with the Windasses.  Gail calls Gary a mindless thug and a brute and she feels sorry for them.  Meanwhile Joe, acting like a mindless thug and brute, threatens the entire Windass family.  

While Tina backs up David to the cops, David is twitchy and Gail pick up on this.  She is now wondering if perhaps he has embellished this story and assures him that he will be found out if this is the case.  Tina assures Gail that David speaks only truths. 

Pub crawl for truth

Carla scares the living daylights out of Jed at his flat and takes him to the pub for some lunch and a chat, much to his resistance.  She explains that she feels very badly for the misunderstanding between Jed and Tony (who is away on business).  As they drink, eat and drink some more, the sun sets and night falls.  Jed is in his cups, but still careful of what not to say.  But he forgets about his scarf and Carla sees marks on his neck.  When she points this out to Jed, he becomes scared and tries to flee.  Jed tells Carla to leave him alone and Carla cries out “Did my husband try to strangle you?” 

Suddenly I See…

Janice is still realing from Mike’s death in the parking lot of the ‘ospital.  Janice is crying on Leanne’s shoulder and later is paid a visit by Emily.  Mike widow (yep, that’s right Janice, he was married), is grateful to Janice that her husband did not die alone and has a card and flowers for her.  With this, Janice gets teary and Emily offers to buy her a round (2 sherries, make that 1 sherry and something else).  When Leanne joins Janice in the pub, Janice is feeling better about the situation and herself.  Janice has had an epiphany:  she should have been a nurse, and you know what?  It’s not too late for her to do this!  Perhaps Janice will be certified by the next time David gets his ass handed to him.  Is there a weekend nursing course available in Weatherfield?

In other news:

Norris and Mary have won a caravan and plan to rent it out during school holidays (at a premium rate).

Ken is back on the boat with Martha and makes me feel like I need a shower really badly.  Forgetting about Simon seems to be a hereditary trait.

"Your potato...my leek..."

Rosie starts her day in the Cafe as classical music plays. “What is this rubbish anyway?” she asks Ken. “Elgar,” he replies. “Wot does the “L” stand for?” Rosie wants to know “Loser?” On the way out she runs into Gary and they have a nasty little exchange about dissing each other.

Tony and Carla pull up at Underworld as Maria is walking by.  “And they say there is no life after death!” he taunts her. Later, Tony and Carla chat in the office at the factory. Tony is off to Aberdeen in January, he tells Carla. Maria turns up then, claiming she’s not there to cause trouble, but to apologize. She says she shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions. Carla is not too eager to hear, but Tony is tolerant. Maria points out to Carla that she had many reasons for putting two and two together…including Tony’s boarding up of Jed’s house while he was in hospital and lying to Jason to get him to do it. Tony points out that he gave Jed a new flat and called the hospital.

“I was wrong about Jed,” Maria says. “And Liam?” Tony asks. “I don’t know,” she tells him as she leaves. Carla looks increasingly suspicious the more she learns. She asks Tony why he never told her what he’d done to Jed…boarding up the house and lying about his move. Tony says he wasn’t proud of it. Carla remarks that she saw Jed enter the cab as Tony was shouting at him the previous evening, and he looked scared. Tony says he was worried about the cat.

Who else LOVES Sonny Jim??

Carla pays a visit to Emily. Emily courteously invites her in and then stands awkwardly with her in the dining room, trying to determine what Carla wants exactly. They make some painful small talk. What Carla does want, is information…about the nature of Jed’s departure and reappearance. Emily says that Jed disappeared so suddenly. Emily also suggests that Jed’s stroke was brought on by pressure that “certain people” put on him. Carla reads between the lines.

Janice is on her break at the hospital and finds her smoking buddy, Mike, outside. They chat pleasantly; he says he’s soon to be released and has to knock the butts on the head. As Janice and Mike prepare to go back in, Mike stands, becomes dizzy then collapses on the pavement, clutching his chest in pain. Janice shouts for help. He tells her she has a voice like a flaming foghorn. Janice waits in the waiting room as doctors work on Mike. A nurse comes out to share the sad news that Mike has died. He had a heart-valve replacement the week before and had a clot on his lung. Janice is devastated.

Norris has  lunch at the bar in the Rovers’, lost in thought. He rather indelicately grills Liz about Lloyd. The topic is the age difference. Liz is annoyed at first, thinking he’s being a nosy-parker, but she quickly deduces he’s really asking about Mary. She tells him to “go for it”. Norris jibbers and flutters a bit, but Liz just grins.

Colin, Eileen’s dad, comes into the Kabin, with a big picnic cooler. He says he has sausage rolls, scotch eggs and wine. The picnic location is to be Rita’s flat, and Norris can’t resist a few snipes. After the picnickers leave, he almost rings Mary on his cel.

Ken ambles by Martha’s houseboat…I half-expected him to chuck Eckles in the canal again…it appears no one is home, but Martha returns then, carrying a bag out of which sticks a baguette. She is stylishly dressed in the same shearling coat she was wearing when we met her. Her wardrobe is giving me hope that I am not doomed to Sears fleecewear for the next decade. She invites him aboard.

“I didn’t mean to stay for lunch,” Ken tells her as they linger over mismatched mugs of tea. He’s having a rollicking time listening to soothing music and eating yummy home-made food. He picks up a script for A Streetcar Named Desire. Martha confesses she is playing in the production. Ken is enchanted. They exchange some compliments. She asks if he would test her on her lines.

Gary is in the Rovers’ as Jason wanders in. He asks if David is still giving Gary grief. Gary says he’d punch him out but he’s on probation. Jason ends up spilling aaaaallllllll the gory details of David’s past. To the guy that stole his copper pipes.

Gary has decided to spend the afternoon tailing David around the neighbourhood. He starts heckling Davis, asking for ‘e’. He says that David only sells drugs to kids…and that is like suicide…like driving your car into the canal or something. Gary prattles on about Gail having a thing for psychos…and intimating that David harmed Gail. David reaches home and tries to slam the door. Gary follows David home and wedges his foot in the door. He says David is too scared to face him, that David is a freak and no wonder his dad wants nothing to do with him. David has been pushed too far. He smacks Gary in the face, (handy for the parolee) and they trade blows. Gary lands the last and best, and David crumples beside the garage.

I’ve been reading up just who this Stephanie Beecham is. I knew she was on Dynasty and The Colbys but I wondered what else I’d seen her in. Her Wikipedia page reads like a graveyard of forgotten TV series. The Colbys was a short-lived spin-off of Dynasty. When that got cancelled, they moved her to Dynasty which got cancelled a year later. Here are some other career highlights:

• Sister Kate (1989 – 1990)
• Lucky Chances (1990)
• Beverly Hills, 90210 (occasional – 1991 – 1998)
• seaQuest DSV (1993 – 1994)
• No Bananas (1996)
• Charmed (1 episode – 2000)
• Relative Values (2000)
• The Witches Hammer (2006)
• Love and Other Disasters (2006)

She also appeared in that episode of Star Trek the Next Generation where she played  a holographic love interest to the holographic Professor Moriarty of the Sherlock Holmes stories (don’t ask).

In the future, we will all live in fancy Victorian drawing rooms and have lasers make our chairs.

The episode aired during the show’s sixth season and a year later, Star Trek The Next Generation was cancelled. Coincidence?

I’m sure the woman is a talented actress and all but let’s just hope Corrie survives her guest spot.

Kirsty MacColl – Don’t Come the Cowboy with Me, Sonny Jim.

Original airdate: January 28, 2009

Maria tells Audrey that if she had gone through with her plan of driving over Tony, it would have been worth it if only tell the court what Tony did to Liam and Jed. Meanwhile, DC Taggart* is trying to get a statement out of Tony who seems reluctant to give it. She reminds Tony that without it, they can’t charge Maria with a crime. She wonders if something is going oon but Tony claims he doesn’t remember the incident.

*Ok I know her name is not Taggart but for some reason she puts me in mind of the Glaswegian police drama “Taggart” with its popular catchphrase: “THUR’S BIN A MUHRDUHR!“

Carla wonders why Tony won’t press charges against Maria but he claims it’s psychiatric help she needs, not prison.

DC Taggart later tells Maria that if Tony is unable to remember anything, the matter will go nae further but suggests that it may be a good idea to steer clear of Mr. and Mrs. Gordon.

Maria takes this all under advisement until she she sees Tony.

“What are you up to Tony?” she cries, “can’t risk me standing in court telling the world what a murderer you are?” So, keeping a low profile is out then.

Carla lunges at Maria but Tony holds her back. telling her he’ll sort it.

Later, Tony arrives in his car, with Jed Stone in the passenger seat. He tells Jed to remember what they discussed and, oh, keep your scarf so they won’t see where I strangled you to near-death. He then calls Fizz and asks her to bring Maria to the pub.

Jed, wearing nice new clothing, arrives at Emily’s at tells her that he’s been living in Wigan. Emily gives him his cap back, as well as Sunny Jim.

Meanwhile Tony has Carla, Maria, and Fizz in the Rovers and is trying to get them to stay when Jed and Emily arrive. Everyone is surprised to see Jed and even Rita had begun to wonder if the rumours were true.

“Here I am, large as life and twice as ugly!” Jed proclaims.

“Biggest comeback since Lazarus,” says a smiling Tony.

Maria is shocked.

“He told me that he’d killed you!” she says. Jed tells her that she got the wrong end of the stick and he and Tony worked out their differences. Maria accuses Tony of buying Jed off which, like all her accusations, is completely on the nose but she still comes off as unbalanced. She rushes out.

Meanwhile Jed tells Emily how his new place in Wigan shows how generous Tony really is, even if Wigan is far from Weatherfield. I once changed trains in Wigan. I remember it as … a town in the Northwest of England.  Here are some photos. Ah, the lush romance of British rail travel.

Back at her place, Maria is comfort-cleaning (like comfort-eating, but not as fun) telling Fizz how foolish she feels. Fizz tells her to put this business behind her and everyone will be happy to have the old Maria back.

Back at the Rovers Carla thinks the whole thing was odd as Tony never told her anything about Jed and this generosity is so unlike him.

Back in the pub, Carla still wants to know why Tony never told her anything about Jed, and such generosity is not like him. As he goes to the bathroom, he calls a cab to Wigan.

Outside, he rushes Jed and Sunny Jim into a cab and tells him if he sees him, or his cat, in Weatherfield again it’ll be the last thing he does.

“I don’t want to ever come back here!” says Jed, perhaps out of a sense of shame and anger that he allowed himself to be bought off.

“Good!” Tony says as he slams the taxi door. Unknown to him, Carla is behind him and has heard the whole conversation.

IN OTHER NEWS

David’s mad at Tina for believing Gary Windass over him about the copper pipe theft so he goes to Kevin to tell him that Gary’s been saying ungentlemanly things about Rosie so Kevin goes to Gary and tells him he’ll put Gary’s head through the Kabin window if he doesn’t step off.

Ted’s back and hanging out with Ken. Ken is being coy about the reason for his newfound positive outlook on life while Ted just continues to be awesome.

Janice is still doing community service and seems to have a love interest over there.

Blanche and Leanne are becoming fast friends.

Mary won a camper van in a contest she entered with Norris so you know what THAT means. No, I don’t either but it’s nice for them.

Welcome to Oldham, Home of the Tubular Bandage

Back on the Case

Maria, baby-bump visibly showing, is on the phone to Fiz. She wants to know when Tony will be at the office, because she wants a word.

Emily and Norris are in the Kabin, discussing “strap lines”. Norris means slogans; Emily means when her underwear is too tight (file this under visuals I never want to see). Norris praises the town of Oldham’s slogan: “Oldham, Home of the Tubular Bandage.” Emily apparently has had a tubular bandage in her bag since 1963. This conversation is cut short by Maria, on another paranoid quest to single-handedly bring Tony to justice. She says she’s been thinking about Emily’s comments regarding Jed. Maria urges Emily to call the police; Emily reassures her that she and Norris mulled it over but decided there was no evidence of foul play, so no call was made. She also says Jed has always been a free spirit, and simply left. She cautions Maria against loudly  maligning Tony to anyone within earshot.

Maria is sitting on the steps of Underworld; Kevin suggests she not sit on the cold step too long or she’ll get piles. Fiz stumbles out, rather surprised to see Maria sitting there. Maria is agitated, claiming Jed’s “death” is the “proof” she’s been waiting for. Fiz says she’s out of luck as Tony is at a trade show. Maria allows Fiz to escort her home.

Later, Emily checks in on Maria to see if she’s “alright”. Kirk is there, but takes off to go to the dentist. He thinks he’s cutting a wisdom tooth. Thank God for that. Emily begins to gently explain what she went through when she lost Ernest…leading up to suggesting again, that Maria is over-wrought and delusional. Maria says she can’t move on until she gets justice for Liam, whom she knows was murdered. Maria looks out the front window and sees Tony walking; she takes Emily up on her offer to make tea, and when Emily goes to the kitchen, runs out to Underworld, because she can not only do hair but outsmart stone cold killers.

Slightly earlier in the day, Fiz had come in to the office and awkwardly explained that Maria is still “wound up”. Tony thanks Fiz for the heads-up.

Maria enters Underworld, which is empty and quiet except for the radio. Tony is on the upper floor, and watches her enter. “Maria,” he says, “what can I do for you?” He ushers her into the office, and her eyes dart about nervously. She tells him, there’s no point lying any more. She knows he has murdered Jed Stone. Tony theatrically closes all the venetians and says, “that’s better. No prying eyes.” Maria assures him that people know she is there, and if anything happens to her…“What could possibly happen?” Tony asks impatiently and then answers her accusation: “Okay, fine. I killed him.” As Maria looks on horrified, Tony picks up a piece of lingerie and explains exactly how he strangled Jed, stuffed him in the knicker hamper and had the Christmas party. He describes how everyone was flailing and dancing while poor old Jed was barely cold. Nancy Drew has unfortunately forgotten her tape recorder.Oops.

Back of a Car?

Sophie is at the breakfast table, trying to explain some of her social trials and tribulations to Sally. Sally basically cuts her off and ignores her, banging on at Kevin for reading at the table. Rosie comes downstairs, shattered from drinking the night before. At that point, Kevin finds Rosie’s tabloid “spread” telling of her ordeal with Stape and containing photos of Rosie in racy garb, making her porn-star lips. “My biggest fear was that John Stape would make me a slave”, Kevin reads the headline with disgust, saying she’s made a mockery of the whole ordeal. Sally wants to know if Rosie got paid; she did. Rosie humpfs off back to bed.

Kevin has nipped home to put out the rubbish; out of the bag falls a pregnancy test. He calls Sally home and she wonders what the panic is. He shows Sally the test, and she says it isn’t hers. They both immediately assume Rosie is up the duff. They wonder if it’s Stape’s…or maybe Gary’s. Kevin goes to drag Rosie out of bed. Kevin asks Rosie point-blank why she’s feeling so rough. Rosie assumes he’s pissed because she’s hungover. Sally shows Rosie the pregnancy test. She denies it’s hers. “Must be!” Kevin asserts. “You do have two daughters,” Rosie reminds him. “It must be sweet little Sophie’s….how hilarious is that.”

Backed into a Corner?

Gail and Tina are in the Platt kitchen. Gail has decided to wash windows to keep busy because Joe is still being a dork. Tina says when Joe gets his head together, he’ll be back. He’s done this before, even to his ex-wife. Tina tells Gail that David is going to the police. Once Gail has gone outside, Tina rings Joe. Anna WIndass comes up as Gail is washing windows; she says Gail must be glad to see the tail end of Joe and he’s a bit of a bad lad. Gail retorts that it’s Gary and Len who stole the copper pipe. She says David is going to the police.

Tina shows up at Joe’s storage locker. He is sitting alone in the dark. Tina’s says she’s not leaving until Joe lets her in. He’s looking rough and unwashed. Tina explains that David is going to the police, so Joe is off the hook for the pipe robbery. He says he feels overwhelmed, and everything is on top of him. Tina says that Gail is worried, and she deserves better. Joe should be with his family. Tina finally urges him into his coat by saying that if Joe is staying, Tina is, too. I think Joe suffers from depression, myself.

In Other News

Ken and Deirdre chat as Ken works in the Cafe. Apparently Peter has gone on a bender while away, as confirmed by grandson Adam.

Eddie sits with Kirk and Bill, sorting out the darts team. With the addition of Kirk, they now have a full team.

Be sure to take a minute or two out of your day today to remember

In Flanders Fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard among the guns below.
We are the dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders Fields.
Take up your quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye beak faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders Fields.

John MacRae – Royal Canadian Medical Corp

Original airdate: January 21, 2009

“Layin’ Pipe” by David Wilcox. The only song in Canadian pop history to turn Toronto’s construction boom of the 1980’s into a metaphor for sex.

Bill and Jason discover their yard has been broken into.

Bill gets on the blower to the coppers to tell the coppers that his copper’s missing, as well as negotiate the efficient bureaucracy involved in reporting a crime. Eddie overhears this, realizes what’s happened and hurries back home.

By the way, remember last week when Eddie showed the old photo of himself back in his darts playing days? The photo looked familiar so I Googled the name of the guy who plays Eddie Windass and learned that the actor who plays him, Steve Huison, was also in The Full Monty. He played the ginger guy who lived with his mum. Lookit:

Anyway, Eddie finds Gary at home and tells him about the robbery. He suspects Gary because just the other day, he was asking how much a set of copper pipers would be worth. Gary denies but Eddie reminds him that they moved to Weatherfield for a fresh start and getting into these types of shenanagins are only going to lead to trouble. I mean, scamming a disability benefit is one thing, but this is just outright theft.

Meanwhile, Joe’s gone missing since Gail starting asking about his business. Women are like that, aren’t they? “Oooooh, how much do you make? Where do you work? Where is your flat? What’s your name?” Honestly!

Tina finds Joe living in that storage shed and he admits that he’s lied to Gail about working for Bill as he needs money. He asks her not to say anything but she says she’s not lying for him.

After the coppers investigate the missing copper, Jason theorizes that Joe could have taken it as he needs money but Bill doesn’t think so. Joe arrives late, saying he had to take his auntie to th’hospickle.

Gary Windass arrives at the yard and tells Jason that he heard about the robbery. He wonders if it was an inside job. Joe hears this and loses his temper, with Jason having to hold him back from hitting Gary.

In the Rovers, the three builders are having a hot pot and Bill asks Joe what his beef is with the Windasses.

“Beneath us is the underclass,” Joe answers. “And below a half-eaten kebab in the gutter, is the Windass Class.”

Joe says he knows Bill and Jason suspect it was he who stole the pipes. Bill denies this but things get heated when Jason asks about Joe’s auntie so Joe storms off.

Gail later finds Bill at the yard and asks about Joe. He tells her about the pipes and how Joe thinks he’s being accused of stealing them. He doesn’t think he did but desperate people do desperate things sometimes.

“Who says he’s desperate?” Gail asks.

Later Gail, Tina, and David are discussing the day’s events. Tina says her dad’s not the type to steal money and David thinks it’s obvious Gary stole the pipes when he saw them the night before, driving a big truck past the yard, looking best pleased.

He then goes next door to confront Gary but he claims that he was watching “The Dark Knight” which he and Eddie agreed was the least far-fetched of all the Batman movies. (Oh, I beg to differ) Eddie, reluctantly, backs up his alibi. David says he’s going to the police.

And you all know what THAT means:

Graeme the Poet

The story of John Stape’s sentencing has hit the Gazette and Fizz is mortified to learn her name was in it (BTW, Fizz is 24). She laments that she is now one of “those women” in the news who claim their criminal lovers were innocent. She’s well depressed.

Ches decides the best way to cheer her up is to set her up with another guy, this time who doesn’t fancy schoolgirls. Ches thinks someone like Kirk would do but Kirk says they broke the mold before they made him.

Anyway, he tries to set Fizz up with Graeme, who reads her a poem (“Your flamin’ hair, Your flamin’ hair!”) but it’s a bust. Despite Graeme being a bit … odd… it does cheer her up somewhat and they have a conversation on the way home about their romantic misadventures and inappropriate crushes. For Graeme, it was Aqua Marina of Stingray. Perhaps it was the Supermarionation. Perhaps it was the fact that she was made of wood but Graeme knew it would never work out. Anyway, I don’t think we’re about see any great Fizz/Graeme romance here but she did appear to cheer up so that’s something.

Oh, and Kirk sat on his fish and chips because the writers still insist that he’s mentally challenged.

In Other News

Maria’s back at the salon but Audrey wants her to take it easy so her duties have been downgraded to “Emily Bishop.” Fizz once joked that Sarah was such a bad hairdresser that she could only do two styles: shaved and Emily Bishop.

Emily mentions to Maria that Jed left on Christmas day, taking everything but his trademark cap. The wheels start turning in her head again.

The Dev/Amber Battle for the Car continues but is not resolved. Amber says Dev has an over-inflated sense of his self-importance but Dev says she worships the ground he walks on.

Found this funny YouTube compilation video of people getting slapped on Corrie. Don’t worry about spoilers as it was added just before the storylines we’re currently seeing in Canada.

Remember remember the fifth of November
Gunpowder, treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder, treason
Should ever be forgot…