Update – February 20, 2008 – We Can Haz Enemies

Claire and Ashley are staying at Eileen’s and Claire’s a little jumpy to let Joshua out of her sight, even for a minute. Claire is convinced, not unreasonably so, that whoever burned down their house and stole Freddy is still out there.

Later, D.I. Park and his female colleague, D.I. Everything But The Girl, arrive to ask some more follow up questions. Her brings up her row with the Mortons when she threatened to burn down the shed. She said people say such things all the time, it doesn’t make it a real threat. Eventually, her background and post-natal depression come to light.

They continue to ask questions in this vein when Claire erupts, thinking that their line of questioning is moving in the direction of accusing her of setting the fire.

Claire asks if they believe she dumped her baby in a park, came home and set the fire to burn her house down with her in it. The cops tells that they have to ask these questions but Claire throws them out, saying she’s lost all respect for the police. They respond by tasering her. Ok, not really. They’re very reasonable and patient cops.

Later, Claire is remembering her depression with Ashley and remembers a woman on the help line who said she’d prefer anything to depression. It suddenly dawns on her: there is one person who does hold a grudge against her: Casey.

She brings the cops back to tell them about Casey and how she once took Freddy without her permission. They had a falling out over it. Casey lost a child and would have reason to want to take someone else’s. Unfortunately, Claire doesn’t recall Casey’s last name, nor did anyone she knows meet her. But she did remember her dog. The missus pointed out that Casey’s phone number is probably still in Claire’s phone, though.

They tell her they’ll look into it. When they go, Claire is certain it was Casey who did it and hopes the police find. After all, she can’t have disappeared, can she?

Kirkeh is moping on the couch over Fizz and Cilla tries to cheer him up.

“She’s bound to take you back as soon as she realises she can’t do no better,” Cilla reckons, which is exactly what the missus said when I proposed to her.

Suddenly, Kirk gets a text from Fizz, asking him to come over. Thinking this means she wants him back, he throws on his best Beatles shirt and heads over to her flat. The shirt was kind of funny to me because I always thought that with a mop-top and granny glasses, Andy Whyment could play a young John Lennon.

He arrives with a bottle of cava and a bouquet of flowers but Fizz tells him he got the wrong end of the stick. She tells him she’s begun seeing someone new (Daniel Craig lookalike John Stape) and she wanted him to know before he heard it anywhere else.

She tells him he’s kind, loyal, friendly (“Like a Labrador?” he asks) and wouldn’t do anything in the world to hurt him.

“You are my world!” he yells back at her and storms out.

He ends up, as they always do, at the Rovers where he broods as Maria and Tyrone try to cheer him up. Later, Maria goes to Fizz and the air is cleared about John Stape: she wasn’t seeing him when she left Kirk. Things are patched up with a pot of tea.

After their night of passion playing, Cowhand and the Sexy Señorita, Liz tells Vernon she’s been invited to a brewery do. The fact is, as we know, that Liz is playing Diane Lane to Derek’s Olivier Martinez in their own low-rent version of Unfaithful.

She of course, ends up at Derek’s brother-in-law’s flat. Liz wonders if they’re moving too fast and thinks they should talk. Derek thinks they should make out. Suddenly, Derek’s wife calls (with the William Tell Overture as his ringtone) with the news that she’s going to stop by her brother’s flat and drop off some groceries, as a favour to him. They need to get out, pronto.

Liz hurries out and, trying to obscure her face, runs past Mrs. Derek. Mrs. Derek pauses for a moment, as if she’s thinking, “Hey, isn’t that the lesbian who was in my pub last night?”

Other Newz. I Haz It.

Carla is convincing Leanne to go in with her to buy the Italian restaurant. Carla thinks catering to boozehounds will improve its bottom line.

Violet’s new guy dumped her after she started talking about having kids. Even though having a child is on her mind, she reckons she’ll have to cool with the baby talk around prospective boyfriends.

She then asked the male patrons of the bar if they wouldn’t mind providing their most recently measured sperm counts.

Originally Broadcast May 27, 2007