The show opens with Gayle, Audrey and Bill at the dock where Gayle acknowledges that she secretly knew he would drive the car into the same spot that Richard Bloody Hillman tried to kill them.
The police tell Gayle that they haven’t been able to find a body and that the best thing for her is to go home and they’ll call her when the find something. Audrey and Bill drive a sobbing Gayle to the homestead.
Tell me, is there anything less likely to induce sympathy than when Gayle gets all chipmunk-cheeked and soppy? It’s between the E.T. chin and the ‘I’m really, really, really sad’ eyes that makes me want to never watch Corrie again.
Head hanging down in a slumped manner doesn’t help matters much.
Bill checks the messages on the phone and we hear David’s last message to his family. I don’t know, it didn’t really sound that suicidal to me for some reason. He sounded more pissed off than distraught. Not that I’m a big expert on the matter, but do people commit suicide for vengeance?
Either way, Gayle starts another round of Platt sobbing. At that point I had get up, turn off the telly, go upstairs to my bedroom closet, open up the secret attic hatch, reach up and grab the box which contains a 1983 bottle of absinthe. I retired to my bedroom to consume ¾ of the bottle while at the same time singing Nina Simone’s ‘Little Girl Blue’ repeatedly for 1.5 hours. After which I went to the store to buy a bag of salt and vinegar chips, a pack of wine gums, Fanta and Benson and Hedges Ultra Light slims. When all was consumed during a Bette Davis marathon that I had recorded on my PVR, THEN I felt that I could continue on in a world that has the vision of Gayle Platt’s wavering chin and tear filled eyes brought to the sanctuary of my living room.
Meanwhile, back at the church, Sarah leads the procession down the aisle as the brand new Mrs. Jason Grimshaw. By the warm and loving glow on her face, we can see that this is indeed the happiest day of her life.
Outside the church, Maria tells Sarah that she blabbed about the suicide note, which pisses Sarah off. She’s even further pissed off during the picture taking as Jason argues with her about whether on not she should be with her mom and family.
Bethany, meanwhile, plays ‘Escaped Lunatic Child’ with Uncle Todd.
That child really needs more attention.
They sally forth to the reception hall where I think the one word on everyone’s mind right now is, ‘Uncooooomfortable.’. Jason tries to make a speech, but because, unlike Sarah, he is a mensch, he realizes that this is no time for happy speech making. He tells the group that right now the only thing that matters is David and that they’re all hoping for happy news.
Sarah, hearing her husband confirm that the main attraction of her ‘big day’ is David looks fit to be tied. It gets worse when Jason gives her a bit of shit for not mentioning the note. Then, after receiving a call from Bill about the phone message, he decides it’s best if they wrap up the festivities and go home.
Back at Chez Platt, Sarah comes in screaming, ‘What?! What?! Like this is my fault?’. The family says they don’t blame her but kind of wish she’d have a bit more concern for her brother.
At that point the doorbell rings and outside the door a hobgoblin is asking for some sweets. (Wait, they got married on Halloween? LMAO! Halloween + Marriage + David as a Brother? Sarah really is a moron and I’m slightly disappointed in David for not seeing the possibilities.) Anyway, Sarah, convinced this is David, charges at the costumed youth and as she knocks him down, she discovers a slightly cheesed off boy who wound up with more trick than treat.
At this point Gayle gives Sarah a bit of shit for being so self-centred and as Sarah goes off the handle, there’s a knock at the door. A wet and bedraggled David is on the doorstep and everyone (save Sarah, of course) is happy that he is alive.
When Sarah starts screaming about how he’s alive just like she said he would be and that he got exactly what he wanted, to ruin her day – the family kind of looks at her in disgust. Gayle, rightfully so, tells her that at this moment she’s just thankful her son is alive so Sarah needs to get over it.
Audrey wonders if perhaps they should take David to the hospital. Really? Really, Audrey? Why would a kid who within one week tried to kill his brother-in-law, leaves both a suicide note and a suicide message and follows it all up by driving his car into a canal – why would he need any medical attention? What the hell is this family’s aversion to therapy?
Sarah decides that since the wayward son is fine that there’s no reason that they shouldn’t go on their honeymoon. Jason thinks they should perhaps wait until they know David is a-okay. Sarah tells Jason to grow a pair and you can see that he’s already wondering just whom the hell he married.
Before they go off, she goes back into the house to collect her cell phone. David is in the kitchen and she asks him if he really tried to kill himself or was this all an act to ruin her day. He doesn’t really have to much of a chance to say anything before she says, ‘I thought so.’.
Just in case the viewer was unsure about his real answer, as the happy couple pulls away, we see David peeking out of the upstairs bedroom….yes….grinning.
I love this character.
Out of the Where The Hell Did That Come From Department?
As the wedding reception starts, Leanne worries about the fact that not everyone has felt comfortable enough to drink and eat while Gayle’s son might be at the bottom of the canal. Paul assures her that it doesn’t matter because they are still charging for all the plates no matter who shows. (As is common practice.).
After everyone goes home, Leanne is pissed because of the sour note of the reception and that no one will go away thinking of their place as a good venue for receptions.
Paul, out of the clear blue sky, plants a kiss on her. Not just any kiss kids, one of the least passionate kisses I’ve ever seen on film or television. Serious, this was as close to a ‘peck’ as you can get…apparently that’s what passes for ‘moooves’ with our Paul.
I’m saying for the record that Paul stinks. He’s like ‘Terry Duckworth Lite’, 50% less evil with none of the sexy bad-boy charm. Oh sure he slept with his boss’s wife, sure he has stolen his grandfather’s identity…but has he ever SOLD his baby?
Come back when you’ve got some serious evil going on, kid.
The bells! The bells!