See dear readers, on Monday night I was doing a happy dance realizing that the big ball of Corrie Christmas, with all its tinsle and mayhem, had landed in my lap. I would be the one who got to unwrap the gossip and hold it up like a bowl of shining gold, myrrh and frankincense for all to see.
Instead, what I got was the ‘set up’ episode…like being told you’d have to wait until after lunch to open your gifts. Well, I say SCREW YOU CORRIE CLAUS, I’m opening them up anyway.
I got a variety of objects in my stocking…some amusing, other really just there to fill in the toe part.
‘Norris Gets Something Soft’ Mandarin Orange – The kids of Weatherfield 1951 had a less than spectacular evening out at the hotel as Norris got a little put out by the Prix Fixe dinner and made a wee bit of a scene. Emily and Rita thought it best to leave with some dignity in tact and hoofed it over to the Rovers, where later Norris tells a rather saucy story about a circus, threepence, a fat lady and something soft. He had visted the fat lady back in the day, in a state of ‘boy coming of age’ wonderment, and she tells him if he gives her threepence she’ll let him touch something soft. He gladly pays up and under her instructions closes his eyes and put outs his hands….which she promptly puts on his head. COMEDY!
‘I’m Not Even Bothering Looking Up Names Here’ Lifesavers – The betting shop dad and son team are in the Rovers – son with a hangover and dad with a grudge against every ex-wife he’s had.
‘Platt Attack’ Whistle– Back at the Platts, Bill and Audrey join Eileen for a roast beast a la Gayle. David is sullen but not in psycho mode. He gives Stephen an Italian dictionary and Bill a hard time about the Maureen fiasco last year. Meanwhile, Gayle Stephen and Eileen think about a summer Christmas in Australia and Sarah continues to push Jason towards the idea of Spain.
‘The Cutest Thang Ever’ Mini Word Search Magazine– Josh got a some kind of Skelator-inscetor mask for Christmas that distorts your voice when you speak into it. (A bit like what the TTC announcers use..ahahahahaha!)
‘It Was A Scene From ‘Tommy’ Lipgloss’ – Okay, WHAT have they got Amy drugged up on? Seriously, it’s Christmas day, they take her down to the tree with all the pressies underneath, Santa’s eaten the cookies and she could not give a flying fig newton about anything.
Grandma Liz however, gets into the Christmas spirit by dressing as the Holiday Hooker.
The Barlows come by to celebrate and Ken asks Steve if there was any word from Tracey. Steve says something about her calling and too much crying, etc….I didn’t follow it really. Jim comes in to give Amy his gift but he is CLEARLY not invited to dinner. Steve did invite him, but when Jim declines no one really argues the point. He is allowed to have a drink at the bar where later Steve comes out with a plate of food for him. Jim thanks Steve and tells him he’ll take it back to the hostel and bung it in the microwave whilst he plays cards with the lads and listens to the wireless.
OMG! Jim, for the love of god – get your arse over here where I will ply you with shortbread, mincemeat pie, turkey stuffed with sourdough bread, leftover tourtierre and all the guiness a man could want.
The mere *thought’ of all the ex-army Irish goodness going to waste breaks my heart. Standing there in your leather jacket, your thumbs hitch in your belt loops, your slightly greying ruffled red hair harkening back to your Viking ancestors, as you long for that horrid ex-wife of yours, it brings out the chanteuse in me.
My Christmas Cracker
Predictable as the plastic moustache, purple party hat and joke inside are, I still look forward to my Christmas cracker each year.
Kirk gets up at 2 am in the morning to make sure that the 6lbs of roast beef are cooked to perfection according to his gran’s Jamaican Blacked Beef recipe. (I won’t go on about how it bugs me that they’ve turned Kirk into this much of a moron. But seriously, would you even let this guy alone in the house for 5 minutes let alone be in charge of a youth?)
Meanwhile over at the cafe, Roy is trying to get ahold of Haley in Africa. He’s having a bit of problem because whoever answers the phone only speaks French and Roy’s entire grasp of the language is “Joyeux Noel”. Doesn’t he remember anything from school? ‘La souris est sous la table, le chat est sur la chaise et le singe est sur la branche.’
Kirk and Chesney skateboard over (they gave each other new ones for Christmas) to join Roy and Haley for the festivities. Haley suggest they play ‘murder’ and explains that everyone draws a piece of paper from a hat and the person who draws the one with an ‘X’ on it is the murderer. Through the evening the murderer has to, without anyone noticing, wink at individuals. Once you have been winked at, you have to pretend that you’re dead. The point is to try and ‘kill’ as many people as possible before someone pegs you as the murderer. (We TOTALLY have to play this next Corrie pub night!).
Ches suggests that you need more people than 4 to play the game properly. You also need people who have their short term memory in tact because a bit later in the evening, Kirk begins to believe that he’s caught Becky’s eye with his sexiness as she repeatedly winks at him.
Haley does call during the evening, but Chesney answers the phone and tells her that Roy has popped upstairs and could call back later. d’oh.
The Big Shiny Red Pressie that is My Barbie Dream Town House With Stable for My Pink and Glitter Little Pony with Rainbow Hair Braided By Stable boy Parker Stevenson (circa 1978) Who Resents the Horse Slightly Because it was Given to Barbie from International Airline Pilot Paul Michael Glaser, But Barbie Doesn’t Care Because She’s Sitting in a Parisian Cafe after Having Returned from Her Job as an Archaeologist in the Egypt Where She Got to Party with Jesus.
John is busy at the flat preparing Christmas dinner for two while Fizz is bouncing around in Christmas excitement. Fizz can’t wait to open her pressie, the one she found under the bed, but she’ll have to hang on a few more second because ‘bzz, bzz’ John gets a text from Rosie. ‘WHERE are you?! I’m waitingk.’ John tells Fizz that he has to pop out to Dev’s for some nutmeg.
When he gets to the street, Rosie is fuming and demands to know why he hasn’t broken up with Fizz. ‘You have to do somethingk, John. Or I am thinkingk of telling her myself’ she enunciates. John tries to pull the, ‘But it’s Christmas and I can’t break her heart today’ card – but to no use. He finally tells her that they can go for a bit of a drive, 20 minutes that’s it. He’ll pretend that he had to go to a different shop for nutmeg.
They drive off to some different street where they have same freaking argument as always and then they neck. After she has been softened up a bit, john gives Rosie her present.
Meanwhile, Fizz is getting anxious and after speaking to Mr. LIAR on the phone about his adventures in spiceland, she decides to be a naughty girl and open his present to her. She slowly unwraps the package and sees a lot of black lace and underwire. Aaaaaaaaaah some Victoria’s Secret lingerie…but wait a minute…this corset is in size Webster (Sally that is.)! Or as Shatnerian put it last night ‘ZOMFG!’.
Meanwhile, back in the car, Rosie opens up a lovely pair of flannel Paul Frank jimjams with littlewee monkey faces all over it. I didn’t think it was possible, but John turns an even whiter shade of pale and straps his seat belt on and speeds off home.
So, you’ve been dating Fizz for what 6 months? This is your first Christmas together and you decide to buy her a pair of fuzzy freaking pajamas as her big gift. John, you really and truly are a f@#&. Way to make her feel like a woman! In the 12 years we have been together, I’ve never received from Mr. Glacia a pair of fuzzy jim jams, a copy of ‘Company’s Coming’ appetizer cookbook, a ‘For Better or For Worse’ calendar* or anything made from Vileda for Christmas. If this lingerie fiasco doesn’t make her dump you, the fact that the most romantic thing you think of to give her comes from the Victoria’s Secret Self Esteem Issues catalogue should.
*I know that attacking a Canadian institute like ‘FBOFW’ is a dangerous endeavour, but honestly, that preachy little comic strips has never made me laugh…even once.’