NO, I Think I WILL Pout, TYVM! – Update

See dear readers, on Monday night I was doing a happy dance realizing that the big ball of Corrie Christmas, with all its tinsle and mayhem, had landed in my lap.   I would be the one who got to unwrap the gossip and hold it up like a bowl of shining gold, myrrh and frankincense for all to see.

Instead, what I got was the ‘set up’ episode…like being told you’d have to wait until after lunch to open your gifts.  Well, I say SCREW YOU CORRIE CLAUS, I’m opening them up anyway.

Stocking

I got a variety of objects in my stocking…some amusing, other really just there to fill in the toe part.

‘Norris Gets Something Soft’ Mandarin Orange  –  The kids of Weatherfield 1951 had a less than spectacular evening out at the hotel as Norris got a little put out by the Prix Fixe dinner and made a wee bit of a scene.  Emily and Rita thought it best to leave with some dignity in tact and hoofed it over to the Rovers, where later Norris tells a rather saucy story about a circus, threepence, a fat lady and something soft.  He had visted the fat lady back in the day, in a state of ‘boy coming of age’ wonderment, and she tells him if he gives her threepence she’ll let him touch something soft.  He gladly pays up and under her instructions closes his eyes and put outs his hands….which she promptly puts on his head.  COMEDY!

‘I’m Not Even Bothering Looking Up Names Here’ Lifesavers – The betting shop dad and son team are in the Rovers – son with a hangover and dad with a grudge against every ex-wife he’s had.

‘Platt Attack’ Whistle– Back at the Platts, Bill and Audrey join Eileen for a roast beast a la Gayle.   David is sullen but not in psycho mode.   He gives Stephen an Italian dictionary and Bill a hard time about the Maureen fiasco last year.  Meanwhile, Gayle Stephen and Eileen think about a summer Christmas in Australia and Sarah continues to push Jason towards the idea of Spain.

‘The Cutest Thang Ever’ Mini Word Search Magazine– Josh got a some kind of Skelator-inscetor mask for Christmas that distorts your voice when you speak into it.  (A bit like what the TTC announcers use..ahahahahaha!)

‘It Was A Scene From ‘Tommy’ Lipgloss’ – Okay, WHAT have they got Amy drugged up on?   Seriously, it’s Christmas day, they take her down to the tree with all the pressies underneath, Santa’s eaten the cookies and she could not give a flying fig newton about anything.   

Grandma Liz however, gets into the Christmas spirit by dressing as the Holiday Hooker. 

The Barlows come by to celebrate and Ken asks Steve if there was any word from Tracey.   Steve says something about her calling and too much crying, etc….I didn’t follow it really.   Jim comes in to give Amy his gift but he is CLEARLY not invited to dinner.   Steve did invite him, but when Jim declines no one really argues the point.  He is allowed to have a drink at the bar where later Steve comes out with a plate of food for him.   Jim thanks Steve and tells him he’ll take it back to the hostel and bung it in the microwave whilst he plays cards with the lads and listens to the wireless.

omg.

OMG!  Jim, for the love of god – get your arse over here where I will ply you with shortbread, mincemeat pie, turkey stuffed with sourdough bread, leftover tourtierre and all the guiness a man could want.

The mere *thought’ of all the ex-army Irish goodness going to waste breaks my heart.  Standing there in your leather jacket, your thumbs hitch in your belt loops, your slightly greying ruffled red hair harkening back to your Viking ancestors, as you long for that horrid ex-wife of yours, it brings out the chanteuse in me.  

My Christmas Cracker

Predictable as the plastic moustache, purple party hat and joke inside are, I still look forward to my Christmas cracker each year.

Kirk gets up at 2 am in the morning to make sure that the 6lbs of roast beef are cooked to perfection according to his gran’s Jamaican Blacked Beef recipe.  (I won’t go on about how it bugs me that they’ve turned Kirk into this much of a moron.  But seriously, would you even let this guy alone in the house for 5 minutes let alone be in charge of a youth?)

Meanwhile over at the cafe, Roy is trying to get ahold of Haley in Africa.  He’s having a bit of problem because whoever answers the phone only speaks French and Roy’s entire grasp of the language is “Joyeux Noel”.  Doesn’t he remember anything from school? ‘La souris est sous la table, le chat est sur la chaise et le singe est sur la branche.’

Kirk and Chesney skateboard over (they gave each other new ones for Christmas) to join Roy and Haley for the festivities.   Haley suggest they play ‘murder’ and explains that everyone draws a piece of paper from a hat and the person who draws the one with an ‘X’ on it is the murderer.  Through the evening the murderer has to, without anyone noticing, wink at individuals.  Once you have been winked at, you have to pretend that you’re dead.  The point is to try and ‘kill’ as many people as possible before someone pegs you as the murderer.  (We TOTALLY have to play this next Corrie pub night!).

Ches suggests that you need more people than 4 to play the game properly.  You also need people who have their short term memory in tact because a bit later in the evening, Kirk begins to believe that he’s caught Becky’s eye with his sexiness as she repeatedly winks at him.

Haley does call during the evening, but Chesney answers the phone and tells her that Roy has popped upstairs and could call back later.  d’oh.

The Big Shiny Red Pressie that is My Barbie Dream Town House With Stable for My Pink and Glitter Little Pony with Rainbow Hair Braided By Stable boy Parker Stevenson (circa 1978) Who Resents the Horse Slightly Because it was Given to Barbie from International Airline Pilot Paul Michael Glaser, But Barbie Doesn’t Care Because She’s Sitting in a Parisian Cafe after Having Returned from Her Job as an Archaeologist in the Egypt Where She Got to Party with Jesus.

John is busy at the flat preparing Christmas dinner for two while Fizz is bouncing around in Christmas excitement.   Fizz can’t wait to open her pressie, the one she found under the bed, but she’ll have to hang on a few more second because ‘bzz, bzz’ John gets a text from Rosie.  ‘WHERE are you?!  I’m waitingk.’  John tells Fizz that he has to pop out to Dev’s for some nutmeg.

When he gets to the street, Rosie is fuming and demands to know why he hasn’t broken up with Fizz.  ‘You have to do somethingk, John.  Or I am thinkingk of telling her myself’ she enunciates.   John tries to pull the, ‘But it’s Christmas and I can’t break her heart today’ card – but to no use.  He finally tells her that they can go for a bit of a drive, 20 minutes that’s it.  He’ll pretend that he had to go to a different shop for nutmeg.

They drive off to some different street where they have same freaking argument as always and then they neck.   After she has been softened up a bit, john gives Rosie her present.

Meanwhile, Fizz is getting anxious and after speaking to Mr. LIAR on the phone about his adventures in spiceland, she decides to be a naughty girl and open his present to her.   She slowly unwraps the package and sees a lot of black lace and underwire.  Aaaaaaaaaah some Victoria’s Secret lingerie…but wait a minute…this corset is in size Webster (Sally that is.)!   Or as Shatnerian put it last night ‘ZOMFG!’.

Meanwhile, back in the car, Rosie opens up a lovely pair of flannel Paul Frank jimjams with littlewee monkey faces all over it.   I didn’t think it was possible, but John turns an even whiter shade of pale and straps his seat belt on and speeds off home.

So, you’ve been dating Fizz for what 6 months?  This is your first Christmas together and you decide to buy her a pair of fuzzy freaking pajamas as her big gift.  John, you really and truly are a f@#&.  Way to make her feel like a woman!  In the 12 years we have been together, I’ve never received from Mr. Glacia a pair of fuzzy jim jams, a copy of ‘Company’s Coming’ appetizer cookbook, a ‘For Better or For Worse’ calendar* or anything made from Vileda for Christmas.    If this lingerie fiasco doesn’t make her dump you, the fact that the most romantic thing you think of to give her comes from the Victoria’s Secret Self Esteem Issues catalogue should.

*I know that attacking a Canadian institute like ‘FBOFW’ is a dangerous endeavour, but honestly, that preachy little comic strips has never made me laugh…even once.’

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22 Responses to NO, I Think I WILL Pout, TYVM! – Update

  1. Kerry says:

    I TOTALLY have to hunt down that Dr. Who mask that Josh has.
    Yes…it’s a Dr. Who monster. I am a nerd.

    Just one more step in making my baby a total Brit TV geek.

    P.S. Note to creepy John: If you’re gonna go necking with your underage piece on the side, could you not find a street that DOESN’T have houses on it?

  2. Joy says:

    I yelled at my tv set when I realized that they were going to make me wait another day for all the Christmas Day mayhem. In the meantime, I did enjoy Norris’s story as it featured some of the older characters, the horror that is the Platt Christmas & the misfits at the cafe. I must admit that I was confused why Becky was winking at Kirk. I had forgotten about the murder game.

    I’m in the holiday spirit now. Break out the eggnog!

  3. Mandy says:

    Wow I missed a great epsiode last night. Can’t wait to wait for CBC to upload it on the website on Sunday. They should do it NOW!

    Wow John. For a teacher, you’re really, really stupid. Who screws up like that? What a freakin’ idiot. But since I think about things like this I’ve thought of a way out of it, so that it doesn’t look like he’s cheating on Fizz (but it still makes him look like a bad boyfriend, mind).

    Why doesn’t he just say, “Fizz, sweetheart, I got it because you’ve been taking good care of yourself and I think you’ve lost weight lately. I thought this would be a good motivational gift because I know if you want to you could fit into it!”

    Kind of a mean thing to say. But could it save him?

  4. Yanyan says:

    Okay, so I had a really craptastic day yesterday and the only thing that kept me from running away to live in the woods was the knowledge that the Corrie Christmas episode was on last night. Well, wouldn’t you know it, a non-Corrie watching friend walks in at promptly 7 p.m. I almost screamed, “Get the f@ck out of my house!” but I restrained myself and managed to be a mediocre hostess, even tho I was pissed as hell.
    That being said, I am glad I didn’t miss ALL the Corrie madness and that there is still more to come tonight. Lesson learned; lock the door at 6:59.

  5. geenee says:

    You really have to set the VCR because of those thoughtless people who phone and drop in at 7. I guess most people PVR it now.

    Norris’s story was the best part of last night’s show IMO. We used to get a lot of comedy on Christmas but not so much lately.

    John is just terrified that Rosie will spill the beans and she has him at her beck and call, it seems. He is a cheap skate when it comes to gifts for Fizz; after all, he only has half the rent to pay so surely he could come up with something nice for her. She’ll be well rid IMO.

    I’m sure we’d all like to take Jim home for a little spoiling. Can’t we beg the powers that be to keep him?

    Wasn’t that an awkward little moment at the Platts when all they could find to talk about was Christmas down under? Trust David to bring up Maureen.

  6. kunzie says:

    How did a nice man like Kevin Webster end up spawning a gargoyle in a thong?

  7. whitehorsefan says:

    Kunize: One word: Sally Webster

  8. papasmurf1964 says:

    Sally Webster is two words

  9. pip says:

    So I’m hoping that in today’s episode Fizz will march over to the Webster’s, call Sally out to the cobbles and confront her, waving the miniscule black lace and underwire. Kevin and the rest of the clan will follow in time to see John arrive with Rosie (whom he didn’t have time to discretely drop off). The scales will drop from everyone’s eyes and Rosie will loudly and proudly confirm what they suspect. Kevin will deck John. When he gets up Fizz will deck him. When he gets up again, Kirk, attracted by all the noise and his hormones in a rage from Becky’s incessant Sarah Palin-like winking, will come rocketing over and deck John again just because his Fizz did it. Fizz will fall into Kirk’s arms and realize he is her true (though dumb) love.

    Or something like that.

    I loved the expressions on everyones’ faces as they listened to Norris’s ‘risque’ story. Can’t say I miss Doris at all.

  10. Michigander Fan says:

    I was still in shock when Steve said “Santa’s eaten his mince pie and drunk his whiskey….” (I’m thinking “Wow – cultural differences! Dad would have MUCH preferred that to lukewarm milk and cookies”) when Liz comes downstairs in her Mrs. Sexy Santa outfit (all I can think is that Mrs. Santa had some major self-esteem issues, went on Extreme Makeover and told Santa she wasn’t playing Little Victorian Missus anymore.)

    Also, Glacia… PARKER STEVENSON?! I was SOOOOO totally into him!!!!!

    I am SO. MAD. On. FIZZ’s. BEHALF.

    SERIOUSLY.

    MF

  11. Michigander Fan says:

    Also, I was completely with Becky re: the Murder Game. I can think of many holidays where that would have been a welcome source of relief.

    I will gladly trade most of the Mortons, Vern, John Snake and 2 child actors in order for Jim to be allowed to stay on the show.

    MF

  12. kunzie says:

    No. Shawn Cassidy.

  13. lovethestreet says:

    pip,

    If today’s episode does not turn out like you have imagined it, I will be bitterly disappointed. What you described is EXACTLY what I would like to see!

    There have been many references to what a slimeball John is — and yes, he is — but Rosie is an utter and complete harpie.

  14. missusmac says:

    “The Big Shiny Red Pressie that is My Barbie Dream Town House With Stable for My Pink and Glitter Little Pony with Rainbow Hair Braided By Stable boy Parker Stevenson (circa 1978) Who Resents the Horse Slightly Because it was Given to Barbie from International Airline Pilot Paul Michael Glaser, But Barbie Doesn’t Care Because She’s Sitting in a Parisian Cafe after Having Returned from Her Job as an Archaeologist in the Egypt Where She Got to Party with Jesus.”

    Best Sentence EVER on this blog or any other. My absolute favorite piece of writing from now on. Screw To Kill A Mockingbird.

  15. elocin says:

    Wow, am I EVER with you on hating FBOFW. Seriously, not even one laugh. Did you ever see the TV cartoon or the Christmas special? Crap-on-a-stick. You know the thing about a thousand monkeys typing in a room? I think they may be involved.

  16. geenee says:

    To get Jim back, I’d throw in Lauren and Michelle.

  17. Michigander Fan says:

    Kunzie,

    You can have Shawn. Here’s my (highly reasoned) Hardy Boys Philosophy:

    Shawn Casssidy was the guy who got locked in the closet (with you) at the haunted mansion. Parker Stevenson was the guy who came and rescued you (and his sorry brother). Every time. Plus he had a J-O-B. Way more mature.

    This hearkens back to the great Luke Skywalker/ Han Solo debates with my girlfriends as a child!

    Guess which one I picked!!

    Melissa: Eeewww… Han Solo has HAIR. On his CHEST.
    Me: Yup – he’s a MAN. Plus he has his own wheels!

    My parents should have sent me to convent school right then and there.

    Grins.

    MF

  18. corrierules says:

    I will definitely have to watch this one again on Sunday. Many, many gems!

  19. corrierules says:

    Apropos of FBOFW, did anyone read the interview in maclean’s Magazine with its creator, Lynne Johnston. She was every forthright about the breakup of her marriage… says adultery is “recreation” in the town where she lives. (her husband left her for another woman)

    http://www.macleans.ca/canada/national/article.jsp?content=20080827_106252_106252

    Sorry to be so off topic, but I know Corrie Canuckers have wide-ranging interests.

  20. Diane/tvor says:

    I love FBOFW, though not the animated tv cartoons. I never thought of it as a strip that always had to make me laugh. It was just really genuine.

    Yep, Doctor Who mask, an “Ood”. Although the voice changer wasn’t realistic, the Ood had normal very polite voices. But i digress….

    Wasn’t that just the most serendipitous way to “out” an affair? Exchanging the wrong and very obvious gifts! With the amount of pressies under that tree, i would imagine John had bought Fiz other nicer things than Pjs but after this, will she open them or just chuck them all in the bin?

  21. beanie says:

    Thanks for ‘splaining the Murder Game. I was wondering WTF Becky was winking at Kirk for. Guess I’m as dumb as him.

  22. glacia says:

    Diane,

    Don’t mind me. I don’t even like Seinfeld, Harry Potter or whip cream. I’m basically a pariah.

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