Never Lie About the Nutmeg
Let’s pick up where we left off yesterday, when Fizz opened up a present from John that seemed, well, intended for someone else.
Holding the sexy lingerie, Fiz goes to Dev’s shop where she asks him if John had been in for nutmeg. Dev says that he hadn’t be if he had, he would have had several jars nutmeg from which to choose as Dev is well stocked in the nutmeg department, as evidence by the large sign outside the shop reading: “DEV’S CHRISTMAS NUTMEG OVERSTOCK SALE! ALL NUTMEG MUST GO!”
Clearly, Fizz reckons, John’s tale about Dev being out of nutmeg was a lie. Dev asks who the lingerie is for.
“Oh nobody,” she answers. “Just Sally Webster!”
“Wot!” exclaims Amber. “Stape’s been diddlin’ Sally?!”
Fizz makes her way over to the Websters where she flings down the underwear in front of Sally, who is wearing her paper crown and eating the Christmas turkey.
“This must be for you!” Fizz cries, then turns to Kevin. “We were right!”
The accusations start coming out: Fizz thinks Sally is sleeping with her boyfriend. Kevin sort of believes her and Sally can’t believe that he does.
Outside, John brings the Nissan Versa to a quick halt and tells Rosie to get out. He then runs up to the flat where he frantically looks for the present.
Back at the Websters, Sally asks Fizz for an explanation. Fizz says John went out for nutmeg because he said Dev was out but, in fact, Dev had all kinds. So he must have been with Sally.
“Oh, sure.” Audrey mutters into her wine glass. “Who goes out for nutmeg?”
Bill points out that Sally has been home all day so she can’t have been with John.
“Oh, thank you, Dr. Watson!” Sally cries.
Just then, Rosie comes in with her flannel pajamas. Suddenly everyone goes quiet.
“You…?” Fizz says.
“Wot? These aren’t for me,” Rosie says. “They’re from a friend. Definitely not from John Stape.”
“Nobody said it was,” Kevin says quietly.
Fizz runs out the door, followed by the Websters and finds John in the street.
“Nutmeg!” she cries. “You said you were buying nutmeg!”
The lie about the nutmeg is not resolved, however, when Kevin Webster speaks up for millions of viewers worldwide and punches John Stape’s lights out.
Lying on the ground, bleeding, John begs Fizz to forgive him and also says that it wasn’t his fault. She came on to him. She wouldn’t say no. Marry me! We’ll have kids!
Fizz tells him Happy Christmas and leaves him on the ground, where he pulls his phone out of his pocket.
Later, after various recriminations are lobbied about chez Webster, the cops arrive. John Stape has pulled one last sleazy move: Kevin is being arrested for assault. I’m not one for allowing physical violence to go unpunished but in a case like this, I think if I were Stape, I’d pick my teeth up off the ground, count my blessings, and slink away, never to be seen again. Kevin is taken off to jail.
Later, Rosie is unapologetic with Sally about her actions. She tells her that Sally is simply jealous that she’s young and hot and can get any man she wants (so why’d she pick Stape?!). Sally slaps her good and hard and Rosie runs back upstairs.
Guess they won’t be watching the Queen’s message.
And for those of you playing a drinking game at home….nutmeg.
Over at the café, the Christmas orphans are tucking into their meat and listening to carols full blast, causing Roy to miss the phone calls from Hayley in Mozambique.
Becky is still playing Murder by winking at people but Kirk, because he’s being written as mentally challenged these days, thinks Becky is hot for him and gets uncomfortable enough to choke on the coin that’s hidden in the roast beef. Becky performs the Heimlich on him and the coin dislodges, bouncing off the empty beer cans and landing at the feet of Fizz who just walked in.
She is later walked home by Kirk and Ches and cries that they actually read books at night. Kirk, not really wanting to hear this, says that it’ll be better in the morning.
Back at the café, Roy finally gets the phone call from Hayley.
In Other News
Vern got Amy that David Bowie CD he she always wanted.
Michelle’s getting the DNA test to determine if Ryan is really her son. Ryan gives Michelle a music box that plays Brahm’s lullaby.
The Connors toast the memory of Paul and Dean, all blessings upon his name.
Liam and Jamie realise that their youth is about to end as this time next Christmas, they’ll be knee deep in nappies.
Tony Gordon is taking Carla off to Paris for Christmas dinner.
Sarah and Jason have decided to go to Milan.
Darryl chats up Lauren, who purses her lips at him.
Jerry and the bookies seem to be getting along.
*Short answer? No.