This episode once again showed that Jim could be both a sizzling hot sexy he-man and a stand up citizen if just one thing didn’t exist in the world…Liz.
The show opens with Vern standing in the back of the pub practicing his wedding speech, including some kind of weird castration joke. Steve comes back to give him a cuppa and Vern stops to have a heart to heart with Steve. He tells Steve that he knows that he doesn’t think Vern is the kind of guy he wants his mom to marry, but he vows to Steve that he will always love and take care of his mom.
And while Vern is swearing oaths to LIz’s family, she’s over at Deidre’s house getting her hair done aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand trying to ignore the wee voice in her head that says, ‘Don’t marry Vern’. She confesses to Deidre that her little interaction with Jim the day before has sent up warning signals in her head. While she doesn’t want Jim, the little bit of slap and tickle the day before reminded her of what she had with him – how exciting it is to be someone who adds a bit of ‘ummpfh’ to the relationship.
Deidre, who is an IDIOT, tells her to ignore her misgivings and gives her and freakin’ Ken’s marriage as an example of how to live a contented life through ‘settling’. And look how well that’s turned out!
But Liz is wiser than that and while she acknowledges that Vern will always treat her like a queen and not like the Jims and Dereks of the world (although for my money Jim and Derek are worlds apart), she doesn’t want to be on a pedestal, she wants excitement in her marriage. And good for her, you got to find that happy medium, which, as much as I really don’t groove on Liz, I hope she finds one day. More importantly, she says it’s not fair to Vern to have him marry her if she’s not really that into him for the long run.
So with that, she asks Deidre to go to the register’s office and tell everyone to pack up their hats, caps and chewing gum and go home. She will go to the Rovers and break the news to Vern.
She wanders over to the Rovers to have one last fag behind the bar when oh guess who’s there waiting for her…JIM! He’s there to make another attempt to convince her that this marriage is wrong, wrong, wrong that she can’t seriously love ‘the little drummer boy’ and that he’s the man for her, she’s his wife and always will be. He does make some pretty seductive arguments and Glacia sits on her couch mouthing the words, ‘Yes, yes Jim it’s true. I am your wife. Now take me away you great lovely biscuit of Irish manhood you.’ (And Mr. Glacia rolls his eyes and turns up the volume of his ‘Silent Hunter’ video game.)
LIz argues, but the discourse leads to Jim grabbing her in his arms all Harlequin romance like and planting a great big smooch on her lips. Vern overhears them talking in the garden and quickly opens the door just as the smooching begins and attacks JIm with all his pointy sideburn manliness. Unfortunately, this just turns JIm into the Hulk and he begins to beat Vern to a pulp, all the while asking LIz if she seriously could marry this ‘poor excuse for a man’. Steve and Vern’s friends come to the rescue and Jim also lays a hit on Vern’s friend ‘Bob’ before Steve can pull him off.
Steve is royally pissed and pushes Jim up against the wall and tells him that he’s through, that he’s sorry he fell for Jim’s sob story and that he needs to get out of their lives. And with that, Achilles is banished from the family.
Back in the sitting room of the Rovers, a bloodied Vern is being looked after by Liz and Steve. They tell Vern that he needs to go to the hospital, but Vern refuses saying that he is going to marry Liz come hell or high water. Steve mentions that at least he’s going to have to speak to the police, but Vern tells him that he won’t press charges and what’s more he’s going to make sure Bob doesn’t either.
Steve and Liz argue the point saying that Jim could have killed him, but Vern says that if he presses charges Jim will go back to jail and he wouldn’t want to take JIm away from Steve (and by extension Amy). Steve is a bit speechless at this gesture and thanks Vern.
Vern also says that he can afford to be magnanimous because in the end he won and in a few hours time will be become Mr. Elizabeth Tiwilliger. He then gives Liz a rather lovely brooch as a wedding gift which unfortunately was damaged in the fight. She says, ‘Oh, it’s just bent, not broken.’. Vern replies, ‘LIke me. Not Broken I mean…’ (But bent? hee.)
There it is, ladies and gents, once again Vern, in all his dorkiness and whatever, comes through like a prince. Not a few days ago, wasn’t that weasel John calling the cops on Kevin who attacked him because…oh yeah, he slept with his 16 year old daughter. John, who couldn’t just suck it up and realize that maybe a beating was just desserts and he might just have to blame himself. But then we have Vern, who was beaten for defending his bride, refusing to retaliate because he didn’t want to separate his wife’s son from his father.
Vern, my apologies for all those nasty things I say about you – deep down you are a stand up guy.
Anyway, this of course puts LIz in a bad position vis-a-vis dumping Vern. She takes Steve to the side and tells him to quickly contact Deidre and get everyone BACK to the register’s office, the wedding is ON.
In Other Pariah News
Rosie pops down to the Webster’s kitchen making enquiries about what to wear to the wedding. Both Kevin and Sally tell her that she is absolutely not allowed to go the wedding as Fiz will be there and that Rosie is officially in ‘Shunning’ status. They tell her that Fiz is not to be made to feel uncomfortable and quite frankly if Rosie went, they would feel uncomfortable. Rosie asks if they are ashamed of her. Sally explains the concept of a ‘shunning’ to her.
In an effort to win her parents over and to release her from the ‘shunning’, Rosie very perkily announces that she is ready to go back to Awk-hill academy. In my favourite line of the night, Sally replies, ‘That ship is well and truly sailed, madam.’ With the threat of Kevin going to jail, there is no money for her to go back to that school. Rosie replies, ‘I can’t please you! Whatever I say is wrongk.’ Glacia personally believes all that Awk-hill money would be better spent on elocution lessons for that brat.
In Other Other News
Jason is moping at home and Eileen thinks that he should pick up the phone and make up with Sarah. Jason says that he has his pride. Eileen tells him that from personal experience that Pride makes rotten company.
I disagree, Pride makes FABULOUS company!
Later he goes into the cafe where Becky seems less that destroyed over the news that Sarah left town without him and asks what he’s doing for New Years eve. ‘Sitting at home with a can of ale.’ grumbles Jason.
Oh, and Maria worries about looking fat. Yeah, okay, just shut the @#$Q@# up.
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