In the spirit of this amorous epiosde, go and out and put a new fang in the old tone arm cobra, put that old classic Barry White album ‘Can’t Get Enough’ on the hi-fi, and just relax baby…
The White Stilettoes
In the bookie shop Dan is paying out 6 pound 47 pence to an excited Blanche, when Harry comes in carrying a pair of white stilettoes he has found in the flat. Harry wonders who they might belong to, and if can chuck them in the tip. Dan gets a bit flustered and tells his dad not to chuck the shoes, and that he will tell him the story later. Blanche of course is all ears so Dan tries to deflect the conversation away from himself and tells Blanche that Harry is off to see his third ex-wife. Blanche tells Harry that he is ‘like Henry the VIII, with a shave.’
Later, in the painfully bachelorish flat, Dan tells father Harry a tale of pulling birds and an air hostess that liked to do the horizontal limbo with her shoes on, before she left that life – and the shoes behind. Harry thinks it’s sort of a dirty version of Cinderella. Dan tells his dad that when he gets a woman back to his flat tries to get then to wear the shoes when they do the deed. I think father and son could both benefit from some therapy…
A Day For Results
Michelle is anxiously waiting for the post to arrive with the DNA results* from the lab, although it is only going to comfirm what she knows in her heart already. When the letters arrive she opens them and the truth is finally known. Ryan comes home and they have an awkward conversation about his results in school, and when she tells him to sit down, he gets angry and walks out, but returns a moment later for an emotional hug with Michelle.
In the meantime Steve has picked up Liz and Vern, who are returning from their honeymoon – wearing matching black cowboy hats. There is a discussion about the ‘near death’ experience they had on the plane. (apparently a bit of turbulence) Vern says that when the pilot was speaking, ‘he could hear his chords tightening.’ Liz replies, ‘pilots don’t wear cords.’ Rimshot please. Liz asks Steve about the DNA results, and he tells his mom that it is confirmed, Ryan is not the biological son of Michelle, so be sure to tread gently. This warning is too late however, as Vern has already gone inside to say hello to Ryan, who he calls ‘my grandson, sort of.’ Ryan walks out of the room. Vern then says hello to Michelle, who he calls ‘my daughter-in-law, sort of.’ Michelle walks out of the room.
*it seems remarkable that they could get the DNA results back so quickly
The Inconspicuous Condom
Gail comes by the salon and invites Audrey out for drinks so that David can have a little ‘alone time’ with Tina. David comes out from the back – awkward moment ensues.
Later at Number 6 Gail is wondering when Tina is coming by, and if she stays out till 10:00 ‘will that give you enough time?’ An painful and uniformative conversation then takes place about David being prepared for any eventuality that might occur. (no wonder Sarah got pregnant at age twelve)
After Gail leaves for the night David gets the place ready for his evening of passion – music, drinks, deodorant in his underarms – and his nether regions. Good to go. David fires up some bad music and when the doorbell rings he does some sort of epileptic seizure/dance thing on the way to open the door. Tina comes in and David tries to steer her upstairs right away, but she tells him that she is parched and needs a drink first. An odd discussion regarding the names of juices follows. Tina wonders what ‘that smell’ is. (meaning the deodorant) David says he has no idea…
While David is trying to be a youthful Lothario, Gail and Audrey are having an odd conversation about condoms in the pub. Audrey wants to know of Gail had a clear and honest discission about birth control with David before she went out. Gail tells her mom it was embarassing to try to talk him about it. Audrey tells Gail it would be much better to be embarassed than to be a grandmother again so soon. Gail admits that she put some condoms on the coffee table for David to find, but didn’t tell him, and she kind of obscured them with a magazine, so she wouldn’t seem too obvious. Audrey is incredulous that Gail put condoms on the table and then fled the flat. Gail gets my vote for mother of the year.
Back at the flat Tina and David are sat on the sofa while he massages her feet. She picks up the magazine and the latex party hat is revealed. David asks if it is hers. Tina asks if it his. He says it is. She wonders if his mom bought it for him. They discuss who gets their condoms where, but no action yet…
A Room For Two
Liam and Carla are getting ready for their business trip to Birmingham. Maria is concerned that Liam is going to go clubbing with Carla while they are away. (was he not just on crutches?) Liam assures Maria that everything on the trip will be kosher.
When the Connors arrive at the hotel in the second city, the booking problem (that Carla chose to ignore) comes to light, they are booked into one room – with one bed. Liam protests a bit and tries to find a solution, but there are no free rooms in the hotel owing to a chemical conference taking place in the city. Carla is nonplussed by the situation ‘your room, my room, our room, doesn’t matter does it?’
In the room Liam goes to take a shower and notices that the lock on the bathroom door is broken. Carla is bemused by his concern over the lock, and tells her brother-in-law that if she wanted to shower with him she would just ask nicely, and not just rip off her clothes and barge into the shower with him. Poor Liam looks like a lamb being led to the slaughter. While he is showering his phone rings and Carla answers it for him, it’s Maria wanting to talk to Liam. Carla tells her that he is in the shower at the moment. Maria wonders why Carla is in his room while he is showering, and Carla tells Maria that Liam is actually in her room showering, before hanging up on Maria.
When Liam is done he asks Carla for a favour. ‘Need help getting dry?’ she asks. No, says Liam, can you pass me a bathrobe. While he gets dry and puts on the bathrobe they discuss the room situation and when they should ‘cross the bridge’* of him finding somehere else to stay. Carla says she is in no rush to cross any bridges and with the door slightly ajar, makes her way into the shower, giving Liam an eyeful of naked skin to ponder.
*methinks this is a sexual allegory of sorts
Bits and Bobs
Jack, Molly, and Tyrone have a conversation about Terry and the impending funeral. Molly asks the insightful question about Terry attending the service – would Vera want him there?
Audrey volunteers to be a ‘surrogate mother’ to Maria for the wedding.
Sal comes by the garage to tell Tyrone how much she and Kev appreciate him keeping things going while Kev is locked up, and how he thinks of himself as a bit of a father figure to Tyrone.