Update For Thursday, Dec. 18: And Never The Twain Shall Meat

My upstairs neighbour calls me Flanders – after Ned, of The Simpsons. Apparently I have the sort of cheery, girlscouty disposition that, rather than making others equally happy, makes them want to shove marshmallows up my nose until I stop breathing. My neighbour now knows better. Last summer she observed me wrangling eight practice footballs into the back of my truck only to have them bounce onto Dufferin Street with me screaming “you little mothaf*ckas!!” at them. So I have a dual nature. Thus I, as Cheerful New Guy, accepted the assignment of this update, even tho’ I had a drinking responsibility last night. So the following comes to you after a morning of walking in stinky circles grousing…“where’s my fekkin socks? where’s my oatmeal? where’s my fekkin socks??” Have a super doodly-oodly day!



You Go Boy.

You Go Boy.


The day begins with Dan and Harry discussing the previous nights events. Dan wants to know if Harry played hide-the-sausage with Big Bird. Harry claims no, but is chuffed with himself: “I’ve depressed a guy and impressed a doll – my work here is done!”

Jack and Paul appear, and Dan wants to talk to Paul alone. Paul awkwardly sends his Gramps into the Cafe for brekky. Dan’s ultimatum – Paul has till Friday to pay up. 

Leanne’s plodding, tiring, dull existence as a 26-year-old restaurant owner with a small butt, only one chin, and cool blouses continues. She shrieks at the builder for keeping her awake all night. At work, she asks Paul if he ever regrets buying into the restaurant. He assures her, no. (ed: Personally, I think he’s in the wrong business. Paul should play bingo professionally. The way his eyes micro-dart madly in their sockets, he could play 10 cards at once.) Later at the Rovers, Dan muscles up to our skitty-eyed chef once again. Jack smells something fishy, and asks how much Paul is into the bookies for. Nothing he can’t sort out by week’s end, says Paul.

My Corrie tea jar arrived from EBay in this condition, mirroring the shattered home that is now The Rovers'

My Corrie tea jar arrived from EBay in this condition, mirroring the shattered home that is currently The Rovers'


A little crazy glue has done wonders here. We have Michelle for crazy, so that's covered...just need the glue.

A little crazy glue has done wonders here.




As Steve and Michelle prepare for the day, Steve wants to know if Michelle has spoken to Wendy. Michelle hasn’t, and is apparently taking her sixteen-year-old son (the new one) to the dentist. This disgusts Steve to no end, who points out that Ryan goes to the dentist on his own.

Michelle meets Alex at the dentist. She decides that the required aftercare is some ice cream and the pictures. On their way home, a scene ensues that I’m sure was stolen from a corndog ’50’s musical…guy and girl, galavanting through the mall, having a stairs-and-elevator race. The fromage factor is off the charts.  At the bottom of the stairs, Michelle declares that she loves Alex, and he can stay for ever an’ ever. Steve and Ryan will just have to put up or shut up. Michelle stops at Liam’s to try and reason with Woody the Cowboy Ryan, now that Buzz Lightyear Alex is her new favourite toy. Ryan feels pushed out, says Alex is not his brother and never will be, and furthermore, thank God the rest of the family has the sense to see Alex as an interloper. And no, he didn’t pack his bags as he knew this was the predictable result of the day.


At the butchers, Ashley and Kirk are engaged in a frantic match of the”I Went to the Shop” alphabet game. It’s Ashley’s turn and since “A” is allowed, Ashley buys A pie, Brisket, Corned beef, Duckling and gets stuck on ‘E’. (Entrails, dude!) The mental house of cards collapses and he has a little freak-out. Apparently things are slow in the shop…..real slow. 

Over a drink in the Rovers, Ashley reveals to Claire the reason he is being all touchy and sounding like a brassed-off elf: business is so bad that he has to let Kirkeh go. He is despondant over this, and breaks the news to Kirk who is now despondant as well. They decide to dispel the despondancy by sharing a proper Scotch egg cooking session. In a gentlemanly gesture, Ashley accompanies Kirk home to tell Chesney the news, and bring the scotch eggs. He sees the insane, pungent lab that is the lads’ kitchen.

Restored to her full plucky-potential, Claire tells Ashley over a pint to stop beating himself up. She urges him to diversify into maybe sizzling pies, farmers markets or organic meats. In a weird Sweeney Todd moment, Ashley suggests killing all vegetarians.


David sees Tina knocking on the Platts door. He invites her to wait with him in the salon, but she elects to wait with Gail and have a tea. Even though Gail is on my dolt list – it somehow warmed my heart to see Tina treat her like a human being.

Tina has not told her parents the news. Gail asks if Tina has considered an abortion. There would be a 3 to 4 week waiting period. Tina is unsure of her choice but feels quite strongly that lying to David must be minimized, if it has to happen at all.

Tina is pissed that Gail told Audrey….more people knowing stuff behind David’s back. David walks in. “Ooh…atmosphere,” he notes. Tina wants to talk. Alone. They go to Roy’s and David gets all guarded and dramatic…Tina reveals she’s not binning David…and doesn’t provide much explanation for her own distant behaviour. This is good enough for David for the time being, however.  He apologizes for the tattoo, and says he can learn how to be a good boyfriend.

David leaves for work as his mother enters the Cafe. Gail speaks to Tina alone and throws another option into the mix – Tina can have an abortion, privately, in one week’s time and Gail will pay for it. While Gail feels this is the best choice, she does leave Tina the headspace to make her own decision. That evening, Tina agrees, and asks Gail to accompany her.


About t. kunzie

Toni Kunz is a female soccer trainer in a mens' world, graphic designer and aspiring writer. She lives and works in Toronto.
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16 Responses to Update For Thursday, Dec. 18: And Never The Twain Shall Meat

  1. Yanyan says:

    Great update, Kunzie. A friend asked me this morning to recap last night’s eppy and I totally could not remember one thing, except for the abortion part. The fact that you presented this with a hangover blows my feckin mind.

  2. pip says:

    Yes, well done, Kunzie (and sorry for thinking you were a girl not a guy!).

    That cheesy mall frolic between Alex and Michelle revived the incestuous undertones of their relationship. Does Ryan have a problem with his neck? He never turns his neck, he moves his whole body.

    I keep waiting for David to overhear a Gail/Tina abortion conversation and go ballistic.

  3. kunzie says:

    Pip, you were right all along, I’m a chick ;-). But apparently I’m still just like Flanders.

    LOL about Ryan’s neck!! If we combined him with Paul’s eyes we’d have a porch sentry light or something.

  4. Gayle says:

    Only one comment. Where would Gail get Five Hundred Pounds to pay for an abortion?
    She is a single mother working as a receptionist. Not very believable. I’m not sorry I didn’t bother to watch yesterday’s episode, I think seeing Michelle and her “new son” skipping through the mall and going for ice-cream would have made me spit my wine all over the tv.

    Brilliant update though! Thank you.!

  5. Yanyan says:

    Gayle, Gayle, Gayle. Nothing on Corrie is worth wasting wine.

  6. Glacia says:

    You know, I was kind of hoping Tina would keep the baby. Daddy David might be interesting. But I can already see how this will play out….Tina will have the abortion, David will find out that Gayle paid for it and Audrey was in on it and … boom … more reason for him to hate the women in his family. It’s getting a bit boring.

  7. papasmurf1964 says:

    Glacia composes all her updates whilst hungover yet they remain brilliant gems of erudition.

  8. pip says:

    Whoops, sorrry Kunzie, I took your reference to yourself as the ‘Cheerful New Guy’ literally! Maybe that’s a character from the Simpsons, or somewhere and I’m out of the loop?

  9. kunzie says:

    Nah – you’re not out of the loop :). My bad with the word ‘Guy’ ;-).
    I also call my mom dude sometimes…

  10. beanie says:

    Great update! I only saw the last 5min. I forgot to record and went out.

  11. haili says:

    I also wonder why Gail always seems to have money to spare. Richard was supposed to have left them flat broke and she always has a houseful to feed. I thought she was pushing the abortion too much last night and she was out of line interrupting the conversation at the cafe. Tina may have been getting ready to tell David but Gail didn’t want that.

    On the other hand, why is Ashley broke? He inherited a house, butcher business and money from sale of the Rovers. Claire works. It can’t be that expensive to live on that street. I suppose the business doesn’t earn enough to pay 3 salaries. How many people go to butcher shops these days? I never do but the neighbourhood people seem to pop in for the odd chop or two.

    Michelle continues to annoy but at least Vi is gone.

  12. eila says:

    Excellent update!

    Yep, David’s bound to find out about this, and turn back into PsychoPlatt.

    All that cheese didn’t go with the sausage. Maybe Michelle could die in a freak escalator accident…?


  13. Glacia says:

    Glacia composes all her updates whilst hungover

    Papa, what makes you think I’m ever sober enough to have a hangover?

  14. fondue123 says:

    “Personally, I think he’s in the wrong business. Paul should play bingo professionally. The way his eyes micro-dart madly in their sockets, he could play 10 cards at once.”

  15. corrierules says:

    Have not seen this episode yet… plan to watch the Sunday omni. The mall scene promises to be over the top. I look forward to rolling my eyes in disbelief. Please, in the name of all that is holy, tell me that these scenes are not accompanied by a Barry Manilow ballad…

    You know I can’t smile without you

    I can’t smile without you

    I can’t laugh, and I can’t sleep

    I don’t even talk to people I meet

    And I feel sad when you’re sad

    I feel glad when you’re glad

    And you must know what I’m goin’ thru

    I just can’t smile, without you

  16. haili says:


    You are my everything!

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