Monday Mar. 2: No Liam, Mistakes Are Things Liquid Paper Will Fix

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Joe vs. The Volcano

Carla swishes into work with a swanky new damage-control gift for Rosie. It’s a big red handbag, for Carla’s “eyes and ears”.

At home, Maria and Liam are talking. Maria has pulled out all the stops in trying to reconcile. Liam isn’t sure he has the energy to keep fighting for the marriage. Maria assures him she has enough energy for both of them. She says she finally believes that Liam loves her – not for her looks or her baby, but for the deep well of complexity that is Maria Sutherland.

Maria wants to know if Liam would like to be a normal couple, just for once: no shock pregnancies, accidents, funerals, just everyday life. She wants a chance to finally make some happy memories together. Otherwise…

(‘Kay, here’s where you know they aren’t a normal couple, or Liam would be un-muting the TV, replaying a sports highlight and hissing “Shhh! One sec, honey…”

“Otherwise what?” Liam asks. “Otherwise our little baby Paul lived and died for nothing.” They are agreed on that. “It’s all out in the open now,” says Maria, relieved. She moves closer: “When you look at me, do you want to run?” she inquires.

 “This is real, isn’t it?” Dorothy Liam asks. Given his relationship skills, the confusion is understandable. Carla rings his mobile. Liam shuts it off, hoping he doesn’t smell too much like Nina Ricci residue. “This is more important,” he tells Maria

Maria wants to go round to Fiz’s and collect her belongings. The roulette ball is whirling around inside Liam’s head, trying to land somewhere. He tells Maria that, rather than her moving home, how about they take off, immediately, on a true honeymoon. A driving trip, with Ozzy. And safety helmets and flares. He leaves, going to get some food for Ozzy while Maria packs their bits.

Liam calls Carla, asking to see her at her flat, pronto. Rosie listens with interest. Perhaps there will be some shoes to match the bag. When Liam buzzes, Carla is dousing herself with a fresh cloud of scent. He pushes past her enthusiastic greeting. Coldly, Liam says he won’t drag it out – Maria and he are getting back together.

“No,” Carla cries, “you can’t!” She attacks Liam briefly, with a flurry of chicky-slaps (we can’t all punch like ‘R Becky). “User,” she accuses, shaken. “You’re as bad as your brother…except Paul left some cash on the dresser.” 

“I had feelings for you,” Liam says.

“Had?? What was I, the 24-hour bug?” she snorts. Liam insists it was a fantasy and would never have lasted. She refuses to believe this. Carla tells him his heart led him there. “The other night,” he finishes, “was a mistake. I love Maria. I’m sorry.”

“You’re such a disappointment,” Carla tells him. “No second chances. If you walk out that door, you’re not coming back.” He walks.

He returns home to find Maria happily packing. In dumping his paramour and unleashing a gargoyle, he has forgotten the Kibbles’n’Tits.

Carla arrives back at the factory as Liam and Maria prepare to depart. Liam wants to be well away before she can react, but Maria is chatting with Fiz. As Carla approaches, Maria explains where they are going. “Oh, he’s told me,” Carla assures her. Maria apologizes for leaving her short-handed at the factory. “I’ll survive,” Carla replies “he knows it.” Carla makes a wise crack about them needing better luck on their holiday. After a brief reaction, Maria brushes it off: “I’m done with all the paranoid stuff,” she declares as Carla walks away. Across the road, Liam and Carla’s eyes lock, and it ain’t pretty.

Shawshank

Ted and Gail arrive at the jail to visit David. David looks extremely chuffed to meet his grandad. They introduce themselves as “Ted,” and “David”. “He didn’t know I existed,” Gail explains Ted’s sudden appearance to her son. David, cheeky and chatty, wants some history, and to know if Ted’s got any money. Ted returns, “what have you been trashing, how come you got caught, and more importantly, who cut your hair?

David gives a run-down of the gangs in jail. He says he mostly keeps his head down. David wonders if Gail has given Ted his room. Ted explains that he just lost his partner. “Plunk,” says David, “penny’s just dropped. You’re a gay granddad, aren’t you? Gran send you screaming? Nice one, Audrey.”

Gail recounts the story of Tina and Anna’s fight. David is pleased that Gail defended Tina, and put her up. “Nice one,” says David. 

Later that day, Gail comes home from the shopping, and it appears Ted is leaving. Gail assumes the family was too much to take in…she is concerned. Ted says he is an old man and simply wants his bed. But this is just adieu, not goodbye. “I came here lonely, I’m leaving with a family,” he says. Personally, I think Ted the gay granddad rocks and I am sorry to see him go. 

When Harry Met Tacky

The street’s worst dressed couple of the day are Liz and Harry, chatting in the street and clashing in pink and canary. Liz is explaining the ins and outs of her home-spa night. Harry is listening with an intensity only a man in the first few weeks of courtship could muster. He offers a steady hand to apply the polish. Just then, Deirdre runs interference. “I don’t need a bodyguard” Liz tells her.

Some time later, Harry wanders into the Rovers, for a scotch and a favour. Steak Pie Liz has a seat with him. Harry wants to know when her next night off is, so he can ask her for a chat “as a friend”. She is unsure. “With Vernon being away…” (Oh Puh-LEEZE!!). Steve interrupts her to open the stuck till drawer. 

Ordinary People

Julie and Kirk are sitting on the couch. Fiz comes home and offers to make tea. “Tell her you’re not thirsty,” Julie whispers to Kirk, “You’ll have one at mine.” As they leave, Fiz oozes: “Have a lovely night.”

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About t. kunzie

Toni Kunz is a female soccer trainer in a mens' world, graphic designer and aspiring writer. She lives and works in Toronto.
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12 Responses to Monday Mar. 2: No Liam, Mistakes Are Things Liquid Paper Will Fix

  1. Tracy Emm says:

    Excellent write up! I thoroughly enjoy this website, and am so glad I found it…

    You just know the ‘red purse of silence’ isn’t going to last between Carla and Rosie! I can’t wait to see the fireworks when this all blows up!

  2. TMB says:

    he has forgotten the Kibbles’n’T?ts! (was this a freudian slip?)

  3. pip says:

    I’ve stopped watching Corrie because the Maria/Liam/Carla triangle is just too tedious and painful, but the updates rock! I’m going to carry on like this indefinitely, I think.

  4. Barbie says:

    I really enjoyed this episode and the update too. I hope Ted comes back soon, you’re right Kunzie, he does rock.

  5. Jody says:

    I had to mute that ‘conversation’ between Liam and Maria at the beginning of the show because it was making me gag :0

  6. haili says:

    That conversation was quite gaggable! I cringed for Maria and muttered “move on.”

    Thanks once again kunzie for the morning laughs.

    I hope Ted comes back; he’s great with those kids.

  7. missusmac says:

    Hands up, who heard the wheels in Liam’s head creakingly turning as he tried. to. figure. way. out. of. shagging. mess…..

    Yikes! Not a good plan, Batman. Carla by contrast was quite cool and collected, probaby already plotting her revenge.

    Ted is great with everyone, so I do hope he comes back too. He even makes David a better person.

  8. haili says:

    I heard Liam’s wheels turning and it’s getting painful. He’s not pretty enough to compensate for the density of that brain – though that means he and Maria have something in common. On the other hand, he and Carla might have a complete brain between them.

    Also, is a week after giving birth the ideal time for a honeymoon? And what kind of man lets his wife carry the bags a week after childbirth? Women seem to recover a lot faster than they used to!

  9. Modge says:

    My thoughts, too, Haili…honeymoon? Yikes. And then, he tells Maria to go and pack his suitcase for him…and of course, she did! Yes sir, no sir, three bags full sir…they belong together, neither one of them deserving any better. I hope the honeymoon is a long, long one. I was even glad to see Michelle, that’s how fed up I am of Dumb & Dumber. It’s Ozzy I feel sorry for.

  10. Long time lurker says:

    Does anyone else expect to hear Liam utter that classic Ross/Rachel line “But we were on a break” at some point, when Maria finds out about his fling with Carla?

  11. missusmac says:

    hahahahahahaha!

  12. corriecrazy says:

    Long time Lurker: I said the exact same thing to my Mum! Although, she needed the explaination before agreeing.

    Also, has anyone else noticed the major mood music they’ve started playing in the background? It’s usually in scenes at Carla’s flat. Last week [as mentioned], they used “Drugs Don’t Work”. This week, they rolled out the Amy Winehouse. They tend to play a lot of Amy when scenes are at Carla’s flat. The two songs used were “Love is a Losing Game” and “Back to Black.” The lyrics for both of these songs can serve as some form of symbolism for Carla’s character and what might be going through her head…

    Sorry for the overload of info. I just noticed they’ve been doing this a lot lately in Corrie!

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