There is a mythical place called Weatherfield, where many strange happenings occur, and the land is peopled by some brave and noble souls, but mostly by a foul and conniving bunch. Here is the account of a day in this fabled place…
Vernon the Minstrel hath heard news that he and his merry minstrel men have a chance to make music with a famed noblewoman, but first he must gain assent from his fair wyfe, Liz of the Bountiful Bosom. ‘How many florins will you be paid?’ asks Liz of the Bountiful Bosom. ‘No florins will be forthcoming’ replieth Vern the Minstrel, ‘but it will be a bonny experience for I and my merry minstrel men.’ His fair wyfe agreeth, as long she and her bosom are allowed to attend the minstrelling.
The Black Prince is meandering the fabled cobbles of Weatherfield pondering the recent news of his bastard son Finlay. The Black Prince happens upon Mel, the Fayre Daughter of the Kebab Monger, and shares with her the tale of his new found son. Mel the Fayre Daughter tells The Black Prince ‘Forsooth fair prince, thou art being played for a fool by my evil mother, for Finlay is my half brother, and I knoweth that thou art not the father of Finaly, his father is a used wagon seller from Groton, this is known beyond a doubt.’
The Black Prince and Mel the Fayre Daughter make their way to the castle of Jerry the Kebab Monger to tell of the news of what his wicked ex-wife Teresa the Strumpet has been doing. Jerry the Kebab Monger and his fayre daughter are outraged that Theresa the Strumpet has been taking florins from The Black Prince under false pretence, and Jerry the Kebab Monger, calleth her an evil cow, and banishes his evil ex-wife from his castle, beginning anon.
Sir Steven the Slovenly is holding court with his fair mistress, The Shiny Haired Princess, when she tells him that perhaps he should away to Iberia, to visit his twin brother and recover his addled wits, for Sir Steven has been acting like a twit, or even worse, a Frenchman these past days and weeks.
The Black Prince is drinking a flagon of ale in yon alehouse to console himself over the news of that who he thought was his son. The Shiny Haired Princess begins to query The Black Prince about what Sir Steven the Slovenly has been doing of late, and if he hath been doing anything that she should knoweth of. The Black Prince tells The Shiny Haired Princess ‘I knoweth not of the affairs betwixt a man and a woman’ before he departeth with much haste and cowardice out the door.
Dastardly David, the Serf of the Salon, is seeking gainful employment with the assistance of his fair maiden Tina the Toothsome. To gain employment he must first gain a letter of approval from his grandmother though, which his new found grandfather can helpeth in obtaining.
Carla the Cruel hath gotten her locks shorn by Maid Maria at yon salon.
Sir Liam the Lionheart and Carla the Cruel have agreed that Sir Liam shouldst selleth his shareholding in yon undergarment shop to Lord Tony the Glass Eye, the love of Carla the Cruel, lest she share with Maria the Maid the tale of her and Sir Liam becoming the beast with two backs. Lord Tony the Glass Eye is suspicious of the machinations of Sir Liam and Carla the Cruel, but is assured that all is well. When Sir Liam has left, Carla the Cruel assureth her lover Lord Tony that he may deal with Sir Liam in any fashion he desireth, and he may screweth over Sir Liam, if he doth see fit to do so.