Excerpt from Northern Burn, the lost novel of Ken Barlow:
Leiticia, our hero’s pert bottomed goddess, lay across her bed, exhausted from yet another session of vigourous and youthful lovemaking. Her lover put on a recording of Hector Berlioz’ Les Troyens a Carthage and she wondered what she admired more: the fact that he still had the body of a 30 year old Olympic decathlete or his unparalleled intellect and appreciation for the finer things.
Fortunately for her, she’d have the rest of the day to debate this as he had to return to a marriage as stale as a twenty a day habit. He tied his jumper jauntily around his shoulders and opened the door.
“Oh, Ben Karlow,” she asked him as he walked out. “Must I share you with that shreiking harridan of a wife and her nosy, judgmental mother?”
Tina is on the warpath, looking for David, having discovered through Darryl that he’s been reading her emails. David is in the Rovers, telling Joe and Gail that he is planning to take Tina to the Cortinas show. Joe mentioned that he took a girl to the Bay City Rollers once and had an aversion to tartan ever since.
Darryl is desperately trying to find David but keeps missing him. When David finally does meet up with him, Darryl lets him know what happened and admits that it was his fault. David rushes to find Tina at his house, where she’s packing. She tells David that she didn’t realise what a sad pathetic loser he was and that he can’t handle a proper adult relationship. She also adds that she must have been just another one of his mind games and would have ended up at the bottom of a canal or in a heap at the bottom of the stairs if she stuck around any longer. She finds Joe outside and orders him to drive her home.
As Joe pulls away in the Ford Mondeo, David runs alongside the car, begging Tina not to leave. He gives up, only to find Darryl standing by the side of the road.
“Well,” he says. “Here’s another fine mess you’ve gotten us into.”
Ok, not really.
Ken is turning the house upside down looking for the lost pages of his manuscript. He starts digging through the recycling bin and complaining about the trashy gossip mags, which he takes to be Blanche’s but Deirdre corrects him that they’re hers and she doesn’t much like being called a philistine. She thinks Ken should look up “pompous” and “bore” the next time he swallows a dictionary.
Blanche thinks Ken book is as smutty as the magazines Peter used to read and notes that his lover in the book is a “pert bottomed goddess” and he is in a marriage “as stale as a twenty a day habit”. Blanche finally pretends to have “found” the lost pages. Ken gets excited to start revising again. Deirdre asks if he wrote that 40 years ago. He says yes but now he has 40 years of experience to draw on. Deirdre invites Blanche out for a drink and makes a point of not inviting Ken as she’s sure he wouldn’t want to spend time with a fag smoking philistine. He tells her that he apologised for what he said but Deirdre counters, “Oh, you haven’t begun to apologise.”
In Other News
Sally’s working overtime and Fiz and Kelly are jealous. They ask Tony about it and he tells them TO NEVER QUESTION MY DECISIONS AGAIN!!! So I guess he’s still rattled by that meeting with Jed Stone.
Anyway, Rosie mentions to Carla that Sally is working overtime because they need the cash on account of Tony driving business away from Kevin. She asks if Tony could lay off Kevin but Carla says Kevin could just accept his offer.
Rosie then suggests that, you know, Liam could talk to Tony about because they’re mates. Carla is all, “Oh, you leave Liam the fuck outta this.” Carla’s rattled enough by Rosie suddenly rather clever blackmail scheme that she forks over a wad of cash and tells her to keep her mouth shut. Rosie tells her, “Oh you can trust me. Honestleh.” Well, she IS so far not mentioning that she has Carla and Liam snogging on her camera phone.
As Carla leaves for a business trip, she warns Tony that Rosie can be trouble.
“Oh, I can handle Dozie Rosie,” he answers.
Ted sees Bill and tells him to make amends with Audrey and get her some flowers and tickets to te opera. So he does that and she tells him to give them to Sally
so she can sell them for the cash to thank her for putting them up.
Joe and Gail: still not quite dating.
Theresa: still doubling Gerry’s meds.