Update For Thursday, Sept. 17: Piper Down!

I went to a Scots wedding a couple years ago. I made the mistake of touching the Piper’s pipes. Don’t ever do this, unless you enjoy red-faced little men from Aberdeen spraying you with spittle as the groomsman tries to intevene.

Aaaaanyway, the day of this particular Scots wedding has dawned. Pat and Tony have their clothes and are heading home to dress. Pat watches as Tony circulates with his neighbours being fakey-nice. Tony then invites Pat for breakfast, his treat.

Tom has seen off Helen and Barry, and called in at Maria’s. He offers his support and says he’ll be there for her and the baby.

Steve emerges from his pit in his robe, unshaven. Michelle has had to take Amy to school and is in a bitchy mood. Steve tells her to calm down and keep her bob on. She becomes snarky in about 7 seconds flat. Despite the ulterior motive, and acknowledging that Amy is Steve’s responsibility…I love hearing Steve tell Michelle that she doesn’t run the western hemisphere. Sweeeeeeet.

Leanne shows up at Carla’s, bright and enthusiastic She wants to be sure that Carla is doing the right thing, and Carla assures her it never would have worked out with Liam…Leanne breaks out the champagne.

Blanche is at the Barlow’s table, grousing that they weren’t invited to the wedding, and about the lunch tomato soup. She says the guests will be knee-deep in lobster and expensive champagne. Deirdre offers to put a fizzy aspirin in some white wine and Blanche can sip it wearing a big hat.

Michelle emerges from her room, all done up for the wedding in green viscose. Steve is still in the stove. Michelle is infuriated because the cab is coming in 10 minutes. She tells him to stay and fiddle with his pilot light all afternoon. She says Liam would be disgusted with him.

At Maria’s, Ryan points out that Steve and Michelle have been rowing all morning. Maria, morose in turquoise, comes down the stairs. She can’t believe Liam is not there. Michelle cheers her up and they decide nothing will spoil their day.

Outside, Tony is resplendent in the Gordon tartan (I’m assuming…no research) and full kit. The Websters are leaving as well; Kevin shoots daggers at Tony. Tony is edgy, expecting those that have a beef with him to spoil the day in some way.

Having a wee fag.

Having a wee fag.

The guests are arriving at the swanky venue. Sally sighs and gushes over the rosé champagne; Rosie thinks she’s calling her name, “Ros-ay!” as usual. Sally says she feels “right at home” in the posh environment. Sean mentions Marcus would be thrilled that Maria’s baby is healthy, but they are never in touch. Sad. Kelly wants to eat Pat for brekky on toast. Sean tells her to keep her smalls on. A few more jokes ensue; Sally sucks up to Tony saying it’s a privilege to be there. Vicki could not attend but has sent a symbolic Polish wedding gift of bread and salt.

Carla has chosen eggplant for her dress. She and Leanne enter, to bagpipes. Carla looks gorgeous; when Tom tells her, she replies, “I know.”

C'mon it's a great colour....

C'mon it's a great colour....

Tony and Carla exchange their vows, as Maria looks on, weeping. Sean wonders if marriage will make either of them a nicer person. They are pronounced husband and wife, and the piper enthusiastically continues.

Pat continues to spread anecdotes about Tony; Tony keeps trying to play them down…and then the subject of his first wife comes up. The factory workers are loving the scandals. The guests are getting annoyed that the piper is still playing…

Carla goes over to say hi to the Websters – Kevin is totally sloshed, and in trying to see if there is a price on the collar of Sally’s dress, dumps his food all over Carla’s dress. Tony comes over, glaring and ready for a fight, but Carla sends him off to get more bubbly. Once he’s gone, she takes Sally down a peg, saying there’s a pub with a pool table over the road, where her family would be more comfortable, if they can’t behave.

“If anyone knew,” Sally grumbles when she leaves, “half the stuff that cow’s been up to.”

Becky walks into the silent pub, and is surprised to see Steve. Steve has moved from the pilot light to the broken jukebox. Steve tells her they get to spend the day together “like a date”. Becky sees that Steve’s can’t fix the jukebox; she looks it over and gives it a calculated whack and begins boogying. Steve joins in as Blanche walks in…for her free gin.

Becky has lined up a game of around the board. A drink every half-hour starting with the lightest tap offerings and toward the heaviest. Steve says they’ll get bladdered.

Graeme comes in to the bookies’ place a bet; he really doesn’t care which horses. He picks Cloth Ears, and Thriller Night….and pops his best Michael Jackson with his butcher’s hat and metal glove – well done!


About t. kunzie

Toni Kunz is a female soccer trainer in a mens' world, graphic designer and aspiring writer. She lives and works in Toronto.
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16 Responses to Update For Thursday, Sept. 17: Piper Down!

  1. haili says:

    Loved the music until I got to Amazing Grace, which always brings back sad memories of funerals.

    Missed what Tony’s brother said about Tony meeting his first wife. Did anyone else hear it and can you fill me in? I remember the ex-wife warning Carla that Tony was a controlling stalker.

    There was some funny dialogue between Janice and Sally too with Sally saying Janice’s family swung from trees and Janice replying?

    Thanks for the picture of Carla since we only got to see the top of the dress last night.

    • lovethestreet says:

      I think Janice said, “Women like me don’t grow on trees, you know,” and Sally replied, “No, they swing in them.”

  2. missusmac says:

    I know Carla is/was pregnant is real life, but any word if Leanne is/was too? She seems to be holding lots of items in front of her lately — coats, drycleaner bags, huge bouquets of flowers…

    I’m all for Steve being a jerk to Michelle — turn around fair play — but kind of was surprised it extended to care of Amy too. Was kind of surprised at that.

    Yeah, I’m pretty sure Tom is the only one left who doesn’t know he’s gay. And what if Tony is actually the NICE brother? Wouldn’t that be a kick!

    • beanie says:

      I don’t think Michelle having to take Amy to school was a big deal. Steve knew that she would and Amy would be fine. After the crap he’s put up with Ryan and the other Ryan she has a lot of nerve getting annoyed about one school run.

      • chumola says:

        Ha! She seems to be annoyed at doing ANY actual work, other that looking good and asking others to do shifts for her. It would be a shame to get her perfect hair messed up, or her lovely clothes dirty. No, hard work (any work) is not something I associate with Michelle.

    • Emily says:

      Yes – Leanne was pregnant at that time too. I believe she gave birth sometime in February this year.

  3. corrieheart says:

    Hi all,

    As usual, I’m enjoying the posts and the comments. Haili: I believe that Tony’s brother (Pat) said something along the lines of: “Tony always had to have everything that I (Pat)loved, which is how he met his first wife incidentally.”

    To which Tony replied: “I think that’s enough of the trip down memory lane”

    … then Tony got that funny ‘i may have to call my hitman’ look in his eyes and Sean complained about the bagpipes.

    cheers & all the best

  4. fondue123 says:

    I did enjoy Sean’s definition of a gentleman: a man who knows how to play the bagpipes…but doesn’t. (or words to that effect)

  5. corrierules says:


    In case anyone is wondering: yes he’s wearing Gordon tartan

    And the t-shirts for that ill-fated stag do were also in that same plaid.

    What a fun episode with lots of funny lines. The Websters, the Barlows and Rita and Norris — all in top form.

    But really, who invites the employees of a backstreet factory to their wedding. Don’t Carla and Tony have any friends?

    Great update, thanks

  6. haili says:

    Thanks Corrieheart, that would make sense since the brother talked about Tony taking his action figure too. Since he thought Liam was getting Carla it made Tony want her all the more.

    It seems that Carla and Tony don’t have any friends – just Carla’s ex-inlaws. Maria never liked Carla and Michelle seems to be the only one besides Leanne that bothers with her.

  7. lovethestreet says:

    Did anyone else think that Carla’s tiara looked silly? I thought maybe it was borrowed from Amy.

  8. S. Poole says:

    Graeme’s celebration was brill!

    Loved Steve calling Becky “Fonzie” for fixing the juke box.

    Its time to pay the piper, Kevin (who actually looked drunk!) thinking the guacamole was mushy peas, great lines all around.

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