Update For Thursday, Sept. 17: Piper Down!

I went to a Scots wedding a couple years ago. I made the mistake of touching the Piper’s pipes. Don’t ever do this, unless you enjoy red-faced little men from Aberdeen spraying you with spittle as the groomsman tries to intevene.

Aaaaanyway, the day of this particular Scots wedding has dawned. Pat and Tony have their clothes and are heading home to dress. Pat watches as Tony circulates with his neighbours being fakey-nice. Tony then invites Pat for breakfast, his treat.

Tom has seen off Helen and Barry, and called in at Maria’s. He offers his support and says he’ll be there for her and the baby.

Steve emerges from his pit in his robe, unshaven. Michelle has had to take Amy to school and is in a bitchy mood. Steve tells her to calm down and keep her bob on. She becomes snarky in about 7 seconds flat. Despite the ulterior motive, and acknowledging that Amy is Steve’s responsibility…I love hearing Steve tell Michelle that she doesn’t run the western hemisphere. Sweeeeeeet.

Leanne shows up at Carla’s, bright and enthusiastic She wants to be sure that Carla is doing the right thing, and Carla assures her it never would have worked out with Liam…Leanne breaks out the champagne.

Blanche is at the Barlow’s table, grousing that they weren’t invited to the wedding, and about the lunch tomato soup. She says the guests will be knee-deep in lobster and expensive champagne. Deirdre offers to put a fizzy aspirin in some white wine and Blanche can sip it wearing a big hat.

Michelle emerges from her room, all done up for the wedding in green viscose. Steve is still in the stove. Michelle is infuriated because the cab is coming in 10 minutes. She tells him to stay and fiddle with his pilot light all afternoon. She says Liam would be disgusted with him.

At Maria’s, Ryan points out that Steve and Michelle have been rowing all morning. Maria, morose in turquoise, comes down the stairs. She can’t believe Liam is not there. Michelle cheers her up and they decide nothing will spoil their day.

Outside, Tony is resplendent in the Gordon tartan (I’m assuming…no research) and full kit. The Websters are leaving as well; Kevin shoots daggers at Tony. Tony is edgy, expecting those that have a beef with him to spoil the day in some way.

Having a wee fag.

The guests are arriving at the swanky venue. Sally sighs and gushes over the rosé champagne; Rosie thinks she’s calling her name, “Ros-ay!” as usual. Sally says she feels “right at home” in the posh environment. Sean mentions Marcus would be thrilled that Maria’s baby is healthy, but they are never in touch. Sad. Kelly wants to eat Pat for brekky on toast. Sean tells her to keep her smalls on. A few more jokes ensue; Sally sucks up to Tony saying it’s a privilege to be there. Vicki could not attend but has sent a symbolic Polish wedding gift of bread and salt.

Carla has chosen eggplant for her dress. She and Leanne enter, to bagpipes. Carla looks gorgeous; when Tom tells her, she replies, “I know.”

C'mon it's a great colour....

Tony and Carla exchange their vows, as Maria looks on, weeping. Sean wonders if marriage will make either of them a nicer person. They are pronounced husband and wife, and the piper enthusiastically continues.

Pat continues to spread anecdotes about Tony; Tony keeps trying to play them down…and then the subject of his first wife comes up. The factory workers are loving the scandals. The guests are getting annoyed that the piper is still playing…

Carla goes over to say hi to the Websters – Kevin is totally sloshed, and in trying to see if there is a price on the collar of Sally’s dress, dumps his food all over Carla’s dress. Tony comes over, glaring and ready for a fight, but Carla sends him off to get more bubbly. Once he’s gone, she takes Sally down a peg, saying there’s a pub with a pool table over the road, where her family would be more comfortable, if they can’t behave.

“If anyone knew,” Sally grumbles when she leaves, “half the stuff that cow’s been up to.”

Becky walks into the silent pub, and is surprised to see Steve. Steve has moved from the pilot light to the broken jukebox. Steve tells her they get to spend the day together “like a date”. Becky sees that Steve’s can’t fix the jukebox; she looks it over and gives it a calculated whack and begins boogying. Steve joins in as Blanche walks in…for her free gin.

Becky has lined up a game of around the board. A drink every half-hour starting with the lightest tap offerings and toward the heaviest. Steve says they’ll get bladdered.

Graeme comes in to the bookies’ place a bet; he really doesn’t care which horses. He picks Cloth Ears, and Thriller Night….and pops his best Michael Jackson with his butcher’s hat and metal glove – well done!