Chesney is in his kitchen trying to heat beans and boiling over at Fiz about the apparent moving plans. His facade of cooperation blown to bits, he gripes that he only went along with the “sick charade of a wedding” for Fiz’s sake. Chesney says she’s as bad as Cilla, no, worse. She has lied and lied from the beginning and he freakin’ hates John Stape.
Fiz goes to prison to visit John. “Good evening Mrs. Stape,” he greets her. She tells him about the little party the neighbours threw, but then confesses that basically everything is a mess. Both Webster witches were shouting at her and Fiz really doesn’t know if she can stand the abuse if she and John live in her current house. She also tells John that Ches doesn’t want to move.
Sally has brought her rant home, and is now unloading on Sophie about the Stapes’ marriage and possible installment in the neighbourhood. She tries to phone Kevin but he’s not picking up. Sophie finds Sally’s anger ridiculous and misplaced and ask if Sally has even given a thought to how her tantrum made Chesney feel. Kevin comes home then, just in time to arbitrate this spat, but not before Sally calls Sophie stupid. Sophie storms out to get her tea elsewhere.
Anna Windass finds Sophie and Chesney sitting in companionable silence on the Maxine Peacock bench and invites them back for Medeira cake and a chat.
The young folks are tucking into the cake and what looks like glasses of Tang, when Gary saunters in. He wonders what the emergency could be that requires cake as a remedy. He asks if Chesney has gotten Sophie pregnant, but gives up winding the pair of them up because it’s just too easy. Upon hearing about Chesney’s housing problems, Gary invites Chesney to live with the Windasses, who are suddenly and unaccountably the most normal family on the street. Fiz comes by at that point to try to collect her brother and Chesney says he’s never living with her and Stape. As much as Fiz dislikes the idea of her brother becoming an honorary Windass, she has little choice at the mo.
Eeew. Okay, That Is Not Objective Journalism. Eeeeeeew.
Kevin’s mobile phone rings at the Websters just as Soph slams out. It’s his booty call call out, right on schedule. He arrives at a motel room shortly thereafter, and Molly is doing her mouth-breather, no-ponytail thing which is her new hottie persona. After sucking face for a bit, Kevin reveals that while on his holiday with his unsuspecting wife, he has bought Molly a lovely necklace. Molly complains that she is jealous of the idea of Kevin actually having conjugal relations with his spouse, of all people. They wind up in the sack, as per.
Afterward, Kevin is quiet, and Molly asks him what he is thinking. And he tells Molly that he loves her!!! Well, she starts to cry and confesses that it was “just supposed to be a bit of fun” (a phrase which always makes me flash back to Liz and the fishbelly-white squishy beer-guy Derek) but that she loves him too!!!
Eeew. Yes, I know this is totally hypocritical and I was all like, “yay, Liam and Carla…” Well look where that got them. End of.
Oh, and by the way, Tyrone, stops into the Rovers for a quick pint, before going back to finish his project, which consists of a lavender wall, a sky blue door and either black or navy swirled wallpaper. And he looks sooooo happy. Sniff.
You Say Ding, I Say Dong
Dev is on the phone with Amber, leaving a message. Umed tells him to just leave it be. Dev has had it with both Umed’s advice and his 100-doorbell-noises thingy. Norris is outdoors with Rita meanwhile, saying it’s sounded like a fairground all day. Rita invites Norris for a drink so she can tell him about her cruise.
At the Rovers, Liz congratulates Rita on her retrement. They discuss Sheila, Norris’ new employee, and Norris’ little empire in general.
Dev and Umed are at the bar. In reference to the hyena-noises, carousels and gunshots, Norris asks the pair what’s going on. Umed unleashes the entire story of Amber, Darryl, the 500 pounds and Dev before realizing Norris meant the noises.
“I just want my ding back,” Dev laments. “Happens to us all,” Rita tells him.
Jesse and Eileen chat in the street, Eileen still insisting that Jesse sack Julie. Jesse arrives at the pub to reluctantly end things, and finds Julie totally excited about her new ideas for the act, for example tomahawk-throwing. Jesse feebly tries to tell Julie that he wants to dump the Hiyalowa part of the act. Julie quickly deduces that this is down to Eileen. She is quite ticked off, especially given that things were going so well and bookings are up. She asks if Jesse fancies her. He says he wouldn’t say ‘no’, as this would imply an insult, but to say ‘yes’ complicates things. “Well I don’t fancy you,” Julie tells him, tidily. She then proposes that they lie to Eileen to get her off their case and continue on as-was.
Eileen is watching telly when Jesse and Julie come in. Julie has some crocodile tears goin’ on and explains that Hiyalowa has gone to the ‘happy hunting ground’. Jesse elaborates that a change of direction was needed. Eileen pretends to be indignant about the firing, while Jesse pretends to be sensitive and Julie pretends to be stoic.